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Im such a headcase. Is this normal with a new guy?
So im talking to a new guy and this is really the first anything since I left XH in Dec of 2010, so it's been a while for me.
I really like this guy. We dont know each other all the well, but we're taking it slow and hanging out, nothing serious. He doesn't have any red flags that I can see so far and I've been quick to find them in other guys. BUT, every now and then I totally freak out and get in my head and just think that Im crazy to think that this could develop into anything, he's probably crazy, blah blah blah.
Im thinking this is normal for a divorced girl who's just started dating right? These freak outs are just par for the course until I get used to dating again right?
Im just so worried about it all because my XH really pulled a number on me and I really didn't see his true colors until after the wedding. I dont want that to happen again, which doesn't help with the freak outs.
Ugh, tell me Im normal.
Re: Im such a headcase. Is this normal with a new guy?
I think it's normal to freak a little. I was talking to a friend about this, who has been through a divorce, cheating, emotional abuse, etc, like I have. Even though we've both taken a lot of time and been through counseling, taken things slowly in relationships, etc, it really does have a learning curve when it comes to being in your first "real" relationship.
I freaked out a little when J and I first started dating but I didn't really share it with him. I tried talking it through with friends who would understand me. I'm sure he would've been understanding but I also knew that he wasn't doing anything wrong, it was my past and my "stuff" that was making me feel that way.
I did communicate to him that he'll have to be patient with me because I have been through a lot and he was very considerate and understanding of that. I even started crying one night because sometimes I feel like I'm messed up more than I thought from what I went through. The right guy will understand this and be sympathetic to it. But it's a fine line between communicating this to him and putting too much on HIM. I have to keep myself in check sometimes as to what is actually baggage from my past. I have to say though, when you're in a healthy, secure relationship it does make a huge difference. I've been in relationships post-divorce where I freaked out a lot more, but in hindsight I realized I was more insecure because of red flags that they were exhibiting.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
One of my girlfriends and I have a pact to run freak outs by each other FIRST to determine if they are real issues or just our own insecurities/freak outs. It's been really helpful to both of us because we all freak out from time to time.
So yes, pretty normal.
Yep, same here. It is hard to figure out a new "normal" KWIM and make sure you're not repeating bad habits. Some things I have mentioned to D, others not. My biggest one right now is being more vulnerable with him in that it's ok to say "I miss you" (we're long distance) and not feeling like I'm a needy mess.
I think it's normal. I know I had several freak outs when bf and I started dating. I had a few when we decided to move in together, too. He knows about them, and has always been really good about letting me work through it when I need to. He knows logic works well on me, so he will just say, "OK, I'm playing the logic card here ..." and then explain why I shouldn't worry about whatever.
I know when I had some freak outs in the beginning and posted them here, people would say, "Oh you obviously aren't ready to date." I don't believe that to be the case either. I think if you took time for yourself (which you obviously did) and are comfortable with who you are, you can be ready to date. That doesn't mean when you find someone worth your time you aren't going to get nervous because of your past. Know what I mean?
hijacking the post, Achase, thanks for your response. I am dealing a lot with my own personal insecurities, not fun. But it is a good reminder to keep them separate from others and try to deal with them on my own and with close friends I can vent to.
Thanks y'all. It's good to know Im still somewhat normal.
Same here. She is a divorcee who is now remarried. I also post things here but most of the times it is my insecurities and my lack of communication from my marriage that impact my relationship which sucks but Ive worked through them and continue to daily....
Youll be ok but running issues through friends or this board is always a good idea
Of course! That isn't to say that I'm never going to communicate my insecurities or if things come up. By I try to remember that sometimes I feel things purely because it's a "knee jerk" reaction to what I've been through before. it's the difference between me actually thinking it through and completely being irrational for no reason.
Preach it! I could have written this myself. I use my friends a lot as a sounding board for freak outs and then when BF and I talk about things, I realize why this relationship is not the same as my EX-H that abused me to the 10th. Like Achase, I strike a balance between trying to communicate with him vs. dumping my baggage on him. Lord knows I was NOT looking for a BF but he is awesome I couldn't help myself but give him and us a chance. Plus he is Tres cute and super intelligent and focused.