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Feeling More and More Distant (LONG VENT)
I dont even know where to begin,
Me and my husband got married in june last year, Things had been going really great between us and then things between us just got weird... we became more distant and less sex and i started getting really depressed and i thought it was me that had a problem... we got into this really big argument and i told him that i was really depressed and that i needed help... he told me i was a mean person and tha if i was nicer to people that i would be more happy... i told him that i was having suicidal thoughts and that i really need him and he just kept saying that if i would treat his family better things would get better (Summed up but there was a lot more screamimg).... that night we were goiing to babysitting for his parents since they were out of town and while we were at the house i looked at his phone to see the time and found out that he had been viewing porn since november (possibly sooner because november is when we got new phones) it hurt me deeply and i confronted him about it as soon as i found out... he told me that he didnt have an excuse for doing it, and that he was really sorry but that some of his co workers brought it up to him and that is what sparked the interest, When i asked him how long he had been doing it he lied to me and saiid that he had only been doing it for a coupled of weeks so since the begining of january...When i asked him why he did this to me he said he wasnt doing it for the reasons that other men do it for.... which i think is another lie!! I asked him when he was gonna tell me and guess what his answer was.... "i was gonna tell you tonight"... yeah bull!!!! he promised that he will never look at porn again, but i am still so hurt by it... he wont talk to a bishop about it because he said its something he can just repent on his own for... but the reason i think he wont is because he hasnt repented for it before. ( HE said he was into it before we got married and he had cleared it up before).
After i found out i became so depressed and felt so worthless and ugly that i just completelly shut down... i would have sex with him like 2 times a day for 3 weeks straight... i figured i needed to satisfy him more and he wouldnt look at it right? Discusting i know.... 3 months later and we dont bring it up anymore.... we have had sex once in three months, and i feel like we will never get back to where we were... i have never had some one lie to me so bad and so much.....
Another note... i work with my husband and in laws... .. my mil has delt with everything with her husband: porn, masturbation, cheating, lying, bi-polar disorder, acholic, drug addict....etc. She told me that all men look at it and will lie about it and even tho he promised me that he wont look at it again he probablly will... i am worried that i will have to deal with those same problems and she is worried that my husband is gonna be the same as her's...
I dont want to put up with this... i am the type of person that believes everything happpens for a reason.... I found out that he had been viewing porn while we were at his moms house, is that foreshadowing what my marriage with him? I dont know but i get a strong feeling that its going to be that way!!!
Re: Feeling More and More Distant (LONG VENT)
I think counselling would be good for you.
You have way more going on than the porn thing (which I don't think you're being 100% realistic about), but I do think you have some big issues, you need to go to the doctor about this depression, figure out his thoughts on this (in counselling), and talk about your views about sex, porn and fears about him becoming his father.
and checking his phone to see the time? Was the porn just open on his screen? Are you sure you weren't looking for something?
Also, I'd suggest NOT going to your MIL to talk about these personal things that are between you and your H.
Personally I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill on the porn issue. Most men, married or single, look at porn - I think it's natural. I remember a long time ago (I was 18-19 years old) I caught my now fiance looking at porn. I was upset, thought it meant he wasnt attracted to me, etc. So I understand where you're coming from. But eventually I realized it was normal and had no bearing on his attraction or feelings for me. Now we actually watch porn together sometimes to spice things up. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of viewing porn with him, that's fine. By no means am I recommending you do it if it conflicts with your values/beliefs. All I'm getting at here is that it's not as big of a deal as you think it is and it definitely isn't an indication of his level of attraction toward you.
As for the other issues here... I do believe that your husband should support you if you are feeling depressed/suicidal. I think taking some type of medication coupled with counselling (either individual or couples) will do you some good. Set an expectation for him, i.e. "You are my husband and my partner in life. I expect you will be supportive of me in this..."
Ultimately it's important to communicate your expectations of one another when it comes to all aspects of your relationship, be it sex, relationships with in-laws, work, personal problems, etc.
Easier said than done but keep your chin up. With a little work on both sides you guys can pull it together.
You mentioned that when you told your husband you needed professional help, he just shot back with a nasty comment. I just wanted to point out that while his support would be preferred, you do not need his permission to seek help.
While it seems like, from the information you've provided, there are some issues going on in your relationship, you also mentioned feelings of suicide and what looks like a lack of self worth. I think you should seek out individual counseling for now, and if things don't improve in your relationship as you improve in counseling, you should probably look into seeing someone as a couple.
As a general rule, I wouldnt discuss anything that is a point of contention in your relationship with either your inlaws or your parents (unless you're being abused and you need someone to help get you out). This will only breed resentment and put further strains on the relationship.
Ditto. If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need help TODAY. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Please do not be afraid to call.
I'm confused...
you are thinking about suicide, yet your whole post was about your H watching porn.
You need help ASAP!!! Stop worrying about porn and get some pychiatric help.
1. Talk to your doctor about your suicidal thoughts, you need treatment, be it medication or therapy, you need to get help.
2. Porn is not a big deal to most people, but for some it is. Talk to a therapist about your feelings on this.
3. Never discuss fights/personal matters with your ILs! NEVER!
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I think Pugz gave you great advice!
Please get help ASAP. I have seen the effects first hand when people do not get help. (In one case it was a person who told a family member the same thing you told your H and they didn't listen. Two days later they killed them selves because they thought no one cared.)
Again Please seek help.
LOL not all men lie about it-some are very up front about it. dh (and i) both do and i have no problem with it whatsoever. never have, never will.
please get teh help you need and dont wait for your dh to approve/help. all that i see in your post is a very sad person with trust issues who's mentally very unstable. i hope that you get the help you need right away.
I agree with above posters that you need to seek counseling. I have had an eating disorder for 12 years and have struggled with anxiety and depression, so I understand how hard that can be on a marriage, especially if your husband does not understand how dangerous depression and suicidal thoughts can be.
First and foremost, seek help asap! You will feel better with someone to talk to with an outside perspective. No one is going to be able to help you through something so serious, except for a trained professional. I know that you feel like your husband watching porn or issues with your inlaws may be the issue, but if you do not deal with your depression first, you will not be able to deal with anything else that comes up in your life.
After you have sought help, think about inviting your husband to come into therapy with you to discuss your worries about his porn watching. I do think that it is pretty normal for guys to watch porn, but if it is something that worries you, it is worth talking about. Your feelings are important, and it is a good idea for you to have a comfortable place to be able to express these feelings to your husband.
Keep us posted. You're in my thoughts!
Thanks So much For all the support... i just hate admitting that i have a problem to others... especially people i am close to.... i am working on getting better and just living day by day....i didnt think about that my own deep rooted issues need fixed before i can really forgive others and i thank you all for helping me open my eyes that i am the one with the problem and that maybe i am taking the whole porn thing and blowing it out of porportion....
Thank you again for the advice... its so nice to get outside opinions with out the fear of judgment or ridicule....