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IHO Doris: Timing, kids, and new relationships
What you said below about how fast your ex was putting the GF into your DS's life made me curious about what everyone else thinks.
Backstory: We've been together almost 3 months. SO's kids are almost 8 and just turned 16. They do the EOW thing. I met the little one this past weekend, but haven't met the older one because she had plans this weekend and didn't come for visitation. The little one loves me, but we're both pretty sure that the older one will just roll her eyes and ignore me, as teenagers sometimes do. I'm not sure when I'll meet her, and actually, I'm a little intimidated at the idea.
So, when IS appropriate for overnight visits when the kids are around? I don't know that I"ll really be comfortable with that for quite a while, honestly. The thing is, the little one wants to spend time with me. I met her on Friday, and we were thinking it'd just be a quick thing at the carnival, but she asked if they could go to my house afterwards. On Saturday, she asked if I could come with them, and she was disappointed when he told her I had things of my own to do. So we hung out on Sunday and I was like her new best friend. She didn't want to leave when it was time for her mom to pick her up.
I know that we'll all be spending time together this summer, and being at my house would be great for the girls because I have a guest room they can stay in (he's in a 2BR apt with a roommate), and I have a big back yard they can play in (and the older one likes to bring her humongous dog, so a yard will be a plus). But given that the oldest is a teenager, I just don't know how soon I"ll be comfortable with overnights. I'm more comfortable with the idea of overnights around the little one because she likes me and wants to be there, but having a surly teenager around that might not like me might be a different story. Plus, I know that she obviously knows we're sleeping together, but I like to be a good example, ya know? Especially since she's the same age as her parents were when they got pregnant with her.
What say ye, SO?
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Re: IHO Doris: Timing, kids, and new relationships
I think we did our first sleep over around 6 months. It wasn't planned, but we were at the block party on bf's block and ds was having so much fun (some of his friends from preschool were there) that it was 8:30 before we knew it and he was exhausted and crashed. So we slept at bf's house.
After that, we did like one a month -- usually at my house. And we would let ds decide where he slept. The first few times he wanted to camp out on my floor in his sleeping bag, so we did that. Then he decided he wanted his own bed. After we decided to move in together, we did more sleep overs at bf's house so ds could get use to his new room (we moved in to bf's house because he owned and we rented). This was about a year in.
According my sister who is a single mom, ummm...about a week.
This coming from a girl who is now onto "serious" relationship #5 in 2 years. She's been single a total of about 1.5 weeks in between all of those relationships.
I had a heart to heart with her yesterday. It probably went in one ear and out the other but at least I said what I felt. I wanted to yell at her "GO onto the SO board on the Nest-those ladies will ream you up and down for you poor choices, girl! (and rightfully so. Love her, but damn. train.wreck.)
When kids are involved things need to move at a slower pace. Sleepovers shouldn't happen for fun, but they're instead useful for getting children adjusted before the families becomes blended. Sleeping over with children in the equation when you are just dating is irresponsible parenting, IMO.
I wanted to add to this that at that first sleep over at bf's house after the block party, ds and I both slept in the guest room. I did not sleep with bf in his room.
Pretty much all of this, exactly. The BF and I have been together for 5mths and I don't see overnights with my kids being home any time in the near future. I just don't feel comfortable with it. That said, I realize that everyone's comfort level is different, but for me, unless there is a marriage/engagement in the picture, there will not be any overnights when my kids are home.
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I'm not in a relationship right now, but I think I fit into this train of thought. I'd hate for my kids to remember all of the dudes that slept over while they were growing up, kwim?
Also, since this stemmed from my post...DS went from knowing nothing (she's just a friend) to her sleeping over in exactly 3 weeks. The weekend she slept over was DS's Friday night with XH (from 4 PM Friday to 11 AM Saturday) so I don't quite understand why they couldn't have just done it the next night when DS wasn't there.
This is how my ex did it as well. And within 5 months they were living together. I didn't understand why the initial sleep overs had to happen on nights when he had ds considering he only has him 8 nights a month!
Exactly! I won't be surprised if they move into together soon, but I can't even begin to imagine where they'll find a place big enough (she has 2 kids, he has 3).
In my previous relationship it was 4 months, but LO was still under a year old so she had no clue what was going on.
Now, knowing all I do, I will not be having an overnight with my DD present until we are discussing marriage seriously. I would not have a man hangin out with my DD in my home at all until about 6 months of being together with a firm commitment.
Not for a very long time.
Our current arrangement is that XH has P Thurs, Fri and Sat night every week. Anytime a guy friend wants to hang out, I give those nights as my available night. My friends all know that if they want just me, those are their 3 chances. The other 4 belong to P.
As far as introducing them to P, it will depend on the person first. Are they brand new? Then it will be several months. Were they a friend first? Then it might not be as long as they most likely have met and played with him.
This is the same for me - not a prude, lived with XH for a few years before we were married, but won't be doing overnights with DS in the house until engagment marriage is discussed / in the plans.
Among my friends parents who have divorced and remarried (which there are a ton of) the most successful have not allowed sleepovers until they were engaged or married.
When dating a single parent it's important to always put the children first and give them a stable, consistent environment. These girls already have 2 houses (their mother and fathers) so adding in a third house might be overwhelming. Although it seems like fun to have them stay over is your house really set up for kids? What about their clothes/toys/food/electronics (like xbox/wii they might like to play)/bathroom items? It would be annoying for them to have to move things from their mom's to dad's and then to yours. This might really annoy the teenager... I know it was very hard for my friend's to shuffle between houses during high school and were constantly missing clothes/homework because they forgot things.
I wouldn't invite a BF's kids to sleep in my house on a regular basis until I was engaged or married to him. I am not turning my house into a kid friendly zone and dealing with all their issues until then.