Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
The Downside of Cohabitation before Marriage
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html
Sorry.. I don't know how to make this clicky.
Did anyone read this? I found it to be pretty interesting and parts rang true for me. It makes me wish I hadn't moved in with my ex prior to engagement/marriage and instead rented a place on my own or with friends. The high cost of living + my low salary + the desire to get out of my parents house at the time definately influenced my decision. At the time I thought it was fine and a step towards marriage but now I realize how much I gave up.
Has anyone else's viewpoint on this changed post - divorce?
Re: The Downside of Cohabitation before Marriage
I did not move in with my Xh until two weeks before our wedding. Our marriage ultimately did not work out. I lived with someone before my marriage and that relationship did not work out and thank goodness I did live with him because I found out he was a bona file porn addict (thank goodness I found that out before a more serious commitment than cohabitation.)
Between the relationship before my marriage and my marriage, I've decided that living together before marriage is important to me.
You know, Ii've always thought living together before marriage was a must, I think I still do, but I feel differently about it. I don't think I'd move in with a guy again until we had serious talks about the future and were probably engaged. I'd want us both to be on the same page, and be really sure about our relationship.
one reason I felt like I couldn't get away from my ex was because we lived together and he depended on me for everything. If I broke up with him I'd kick him out and he'd have nowhere to go. We moved in together after 6 months. Had we waited longer we probably would have broken up much sooner, instead of staying together for 3 years.
yea, nothing can make me believe that cohabitation is a bad thing. Cohabitation too quickly or not thinking it through before moving can be disasterous.
I didn't live with the ex before marriage & I will guarantee that I would not have married him if I did. SO and I are going on 1 yr of living together and we've learned so much about each other, many good and a couple irritations. We've got a clear idea of where we are going, when we'd want to get married, etc. That said, we're not in a rush either...maybe a 2 yr plan?
With any study, I can't help but wonder how anyone would know if these marriages would have survived if they hadn't lived together?
I think that I would still prefer to live with someone prior to marriage, but like other PPs, I'd want to wait until we were engaged and had talked about what our future looks like.
I would never cohabit before marriage out of convenience. I am not a cow giving away free milk. I would have to be past the point of engagement for cohabitation trial. I have DS at home.
Looking back, I did cohabitate with my eh and mentally knew we would be engage one day. Now I think living together too soon may have pushed him to propose out of obligation.
I have to admit, had I not moved in with XH before we got engaged, we may have never ended up getting married. I was young and broke, I never took "me" time after XH #1 and I honestly didn't know if I could make it on my own. However, in part of my self discovery in the past year or so, I have realized that although things could be easier living with someone and essentially having dual incomes, I will never make a cohabitation decision based on financial reasons because although I'm not as comfortable as I would like to be, I can make it on my own.
Now, as far as living with a SO before marriage, I'll still do it. I really don't think its a big deal as long as you communicate and are both on the same page about what you want out of the relationship.
Well if you are cohabitating for the wrong reasons, of course it isn't going to work out. I moved in with Ex once we were engaged. And I fought it tooth and nail. I really didn't want to live with someone at all. In fact the day after he proposed and said we should start looking at places together, I burst into tears. So yea...those might have been some early warning signs I probably shouldn't have ignored.
It would take A LOT for me to live with someone again I really like my own space and dread the idea of coming home and someone being in my space. So perhaps I'm just not really cut out for cohabitation. Ha!
The one key question that would help fix the majority of these issues is "Do you want to live together because it's convenient and just a 'trial run', or do you see it as a predecessor to marriage?"
I never asked that question, and got burned.
I will not marry anyone without having lived with them first, because there are so many things you learn about someone that way that may end up being a dealbreaker. I would rather break up and move out than get divorced and move out. The former is way less expensive than the latter.
And I will not live with anyone that doesn't see marriage with me in his future.
I agree with the gist of the article, I think my standards before moving in with XH were super low. I even remember on one of our dates, staring at the ceiling and thinking, "gawd, he talks too much and its so boring". But it was very convenient to move into his house and not pay rent when I was 19.
I agree more with PPs too, that moving in together out of convenience is a crap idea. Cohabiting seems like it would be more beneficial after you've already made a committment to the person (like engagement) as the next natural step. By then, you already know you're going to end up living together eventually.
I don't agree with having to be engaged first. Personally, I would not want my BF to shell out thousands of dollars for a diamond only to move in with me and then learn that he can't live with me or vice versa, and then not be able to recoup that money.
Well if a guy shelled out thousands of dollars for a diamond, he should think things through before doing so. He is likely not to recoup all of the money for the ring regardless if he moved in or not.
Maybe I'm just weird but I don't see a ring as a requirement in that situation. I think you can be planning to get married in a timely manner without a ring and fancy proposal.
I can see how it's much easier for people to slip into cohabitating simply because it makes the most sense and you're typically staying the night with one another often anyways. That being said, this won't be the case for me because of DS. I wouldn't cohabitate unless I was engaged or darn close to it.
XH and I lived together before marriage and I don't think it was a good thing. It made it harder to leave even though there were huge red flags. Had we not been living together it definitely would have made it easier to break it off with him.
I didn't live with my ExH before we got married and I wish I had, because I truly believe I would not have married him. I did everything "right" the first time: dated for one year, got engaged for a full year, didn't live together, did the pre-marital counseling, etc, etc. etc.
I just got married again two weeks ago to someone I was friends with for four years (most of it post divorce), moved in with 6 months after dating, and got engaged 6 months later. I have no doubt in my mind that he is my forever (a feeling I did not have the first time around...not even close). We moved in together knowing we were on the track to marriage, but both of us wanting to be absolutely sure, and we felt cohabitation was necessary. I fell even more in love with him once we lived together (luckily).
I just don't think you can summarize it for everyone. Every relationship and situation is so different and there are so many variable factors. I certainly recommend cohabitation, but I don't think it's required for a successful marriage. I DO, however, think both people knowing themselves, being able to live strong, independent lives while NOT in a relationship IS necessary. Until you know and love yourself you cannot possibly know the type of person you should be with.