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Claim against D-Baggery and bebe update (long, vent)
My FFFC last week left me with lots of things to think about this weekend. My words weren't as clear as my thoughts and my thoughts at the time weren't as clear as they were later in the weekend. I guess I've leaned on my "friend" lately bc he's always shown a caring side towards me with no expectation of anything from me in return and that's a new concept in my life. I see the father of the baby almost weekly and although I know he has chosen not to be involved, it still hurts that he doesn't ask how I'm feeling or how my appointments are going. I know I'll get over this more with time, but this is so fresh and my hormones are in hyper-mode right now.
No one in my life asks me how I'm feeling in regards to the pregnancy, although my mom, dad, brother and about 5 very close friends are the only ones who know since I'm not very far along. I like that this friend has interest in how I'm doing and despite being anxious about everything, he can tell me things that make me think more rationally. I realize most people here find that gross and that he has an agenda to blaze in on his white horse, but I'm being more cautious than that. I know that I will no longer allow casual people in my life for the baby's sake, whether they be male or female friends. And he knows this.
There are guys from home who I've dated on and off (no sexual relationships), but they each know I've always been fun at taking on outings, business functions, events, dinners, etc. bc I'm social and usually up for just about anything that they have to bring a date to, and one of them was on a lay-over in my town this past weekend and asked me out and even though I would have had a blast entertaining he and his colleagues over dinner, I turned him down. I know I have to draw a line in the sand at some point and even though the baby is not yet here and I'm not showing, that I want to make these changes now for the baby and for myself.
I'm not going to date this friend and probably won't even see him unless we run into each other when I'm back home, which is highly unlikely. It's just nice to have his support and friendship now. I want to talk to my mom, but she tends to spin things to be about her and my bestie in the world recently had an abortion and I'm the only one besides her BF who knows and I know how painful to her it is that I'm pg bc a part of her wanted to keep her baby. I'm trying to find mom's groups in my city, but most of them already have LO's. I know once I'm further along it might be easier and I won't need this friend for the support he's showing me now.
This was more of blogging therapy, I guess. And I got to see the baby's heartbeat yesterday. It was pretty amazing and I thought he looked like a little frog. So I'm going to continue to take care of baby and I and move forward with life while I keep moving further from old habits and letting my self-esteem heal and grow so that I can make baby proud that mama believes she is the self sufficient, strong, loving, supportive person that everyone else sees her to be.
People are placed in and taken out of our lives for a multitude of reasons. My faith has me looking upward so I might stay on my path, forward to reach my future and to either side for the ones to walk near me on my journey.
Re: Claim against D-Baggery and bebe update (long, vent)
I'm glad the baby is doing well. Your post is exactly what I think we've been trying to tell you all along...we know you're lonely and it's driving to let in people you shouldn't. We know you are seeking out emotional support from other people and that you crave it. My hope for you is that to some extent you learn to provide that for yourself. Nobody can do it alone but a lot of what you post comes across as insecure and codependent. A few anecdotes for times you've resisted the opportunity to behave in a codependent way or explanations of why you act in codependent ways will not negate the overall impression you've made on this board as someone with low self esteem. The fact that you keep coming back to explain and re explain only confirms that impression.
I truly believe that all along people have been hoping you would realize your self destructive tendencies so you can be emotionally healthy, and therefore happy, going forward. I think that's why people, and I know I, have become more blunt in our posts. Until you admit and aggressively address these issues rather than trying to minimize them you're not on the road to emotionally healthy and happy. It makes me very concerned that you haven't made more progress on this in therapy. This may not be the right therapist for you. Also some kind of group therapy for people who have similar issues may really help.