Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
The Chica That's Moving to India
Okay, so on "The other IN Nesties" post I saw me mentioned as "the chica that's moving to India" by tofumonkey:)
The summation of that thread seemed to be we should all be a little more active on the board.
So what's been going on in my life? My fiance's job drama continues. I'm not sure if I've told you guys about it before so I'll start from the beginning.
Last spring we decided that when we got married I'd be moving to India. This was after checking into laws and evaluating possibilities, and confirmed by prayer. The laws to get a FI to the US is RIDICULOUS. Especially when we're both poor. He was employed at the time. I've been in a losing battle with unemployment since I graduated college in 08. (I've had three jobs, none as long as six months. One lay off, two temporary jobs.)
The way it'll work is thus: I go over with a tourist visa. There is no fiance visa for India. There is an entry visa, which is what I'd get if I was Indian-American and moving to India to marry, but since I'm Irish-Polish-Scottish-Danish-English-French-Spanish American tourist visa it is.
After we marry, I can use our marriage license to convert the tourist visa (which would otherwise expire in six months) into an entry visa. This is complicated and requires lots of visits to Delhi, but luckily that's only like an hour from where we'll be living. After a year or so I turn my entry visa into a PIO card (Person of Indian Origin, which cracks me up. But I guess it's the two-become-one aspect of marriage that has marrying an Indian making me 'of Indian Origin'). It isn't until I get my PIO that I can legally work in India...
Sooo if we were doing this, Ryan had to get a job that will support us both for that first year. Including my American sized college debt.
That wasn't the job he was currently working. Ryan lives with his parents, so he was not paying rent or for food, so he what he was making was fine for him then. So he was eager to leave his current job and get another... except he wanted to leave the job first.
India is crazy. You know how a few jobs have two weeks notice here? Apparently when Ryan started the job he was at, he signed something requiring two months notice. In April or so of last year he began trying to leave his current job. They kept putting him off by telling him he needed to meet with people.
In February someone had retired and he'd taken over their work, effectively doing two jobs (the one he'd already been doing and the new one) for the price of one. He'd been promised a raise, but it wasn't forthcoming. When he confronted them on it, they said, "Oh you misunderstood, you'll be getting that raise at your annual review in May."
So now in April he's telling them he is going to leave because he's not making enough and they're like, Come on, stay, your annual review is coming up. He's only making about half of what we need though, when we crunched the numbers. His boss urges him that if he went back to college, he'd be eligible to earn more.. His mom had been getting on to him to go back as well. So he caved in and enrolled a few weeks before his annual review.
At his annual review he was given a raise... of $1.18 per MONTH.
Total insult. Especially considering that's probably the raise he'd have gotten even if he had NOT taken on twice the work or had NOT gone back to school.
So then he was trying to leave in earnest. They required him to fill out an "application for resignation"... and took a few weeks to approve it.
Once it was approved THEN his two months notice started.
Finally last August he left. I'd been telling him to start his search coming up to it, but he had this idea in his head that as soon as he put his resume out, he'd be hired that week. He begged me to please let him have a week or two to recover from this ordeal. While I knew the Indian job market is waaayyyyy the heck more healthy than the American one, I doubted this, but whatever he's a grown man.
So after several weeks he started applying for jobs... and heard from no one.
He hadn't been applying for call centers, because he's worked that kind of job before and hates it. But in September when I was getting anxious he assured me that if he hadn't gotten another job he'd start applying for call center jobs the first week of October.
Then that week came... and he heard from like three jobs. Which kept stringing him along all month. None of them panned out. He did have two job offers, but neither paid enough for us to live on, and after the nightmare of trying to extricate himself from the job he had, he didn't want to take a job just to take it, knowing we couldn't live on it.
Now it was holidays and exam time and I also got a job, as a seasonal cashier, so the pressure was off him a while.
This January/February he got another four job offers or so... but none of them paid enough. It was really painful to have to say no, but at the same time, we needed to have enough money live because it'd be illegal for me to supplement our income.
Finally, Ryan applied for call centers... and again, he wasn't offered enough... then about a month ago, he had a job interview. He showed up half an hour early... and waited three hours. The guy never showed up.
When he left, he angrily said to the receptionist, "If they wish to interview me they'll have to do it on my terms and give me a phone interview."
Remarkably, the next day they did just that. He was offered the job, but was told they'd talk to him on Monday about what it would pay. (This was Friday). Then on Monday, they didn't offer him *quite* enough. The negotiation began...
On Thursday, they offered him enough and told him to start on April 9th. Finally! After six months! A job! Our future could really start being planned!
Then on the 9th, he sent an email to his HR contact to confirm the time and place.. and was told they didn't have enough people to start training that day. They'd be in touch. He emailed them back with questions... they didn't answer...
Until yesterday, when he gets a call. Training in on the 24th.
Meanwhile, he's been applying for more jobs, and he had a job interview today. (I haven't talked to him yet, I don't know how it went.)
We don't know what's going on.
But we can't really plan our lives until this gets straightened on. If I get a job, it'll make life easier, but since I'd be leaving it when I went to India anyway, it can't ensure our future. He has to get a job in order for our marriage and my move to happen.
I'm applying for summer jobs, by the way. I'm really hoping for this amazing opportunity in Boston.
So that's what's going on with me. Hopefully interesting enough. Will keep you informed, if you'd like.
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV
Re: The Chica That's Moving to India
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV
Yuck. What a lot issues to work around. *crossing my fingers* that things start to move forward.
DH and I have basically lived on one income our whole marriage. It sucks especially when we couldn't do much traveling when in Switzerland. We were saving money for our move to the US.
Things turned out all right for us. Hopefully they will for you soon too.
Btw. The USCIS process wasn't too bad. We had to have my parent's say they would support him financially if we couldn't till he gained citizenship. But actual costs it was under $2000 and that includes the medical, shots, transport costs to the embassy, the filing fees to USCIS, and then we had to get some police reports.
2012 Reading Challenge
Now Nesting from Chicago, IL My nail blog:
The big thing about the US FI visa process was that they made you go through a crazy ordeal BEFORE you could marry, where as India lets us marry and then deal with them.
And now I'm excited to move and looking forward to it.
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV
2012 Reading Challenge
Now Nesting from Chicago, IL My nail blog:
Can you put the college loan on hold while you aren't working? I know that I did that for a period of time as I couldn't pay the amount I needed.
My DH's relatives all live in India and I know the craziness of trying to find a job from them.
Best of luck!
Yes, this, how did you meet? I love all the romantic international love stories (as despite the fact that we both have different dual international backgrounds, we met in boring old NL where be both have half our roots.)
So with all his job/money issues going on, have you been able to at least afford to visit each other this last year? Sounds like this has been going on for a while already and I just can't imagine not bing together for that long. Must be hellish...
My food blog
What I'm looking forward to in 2012:
Eating our way through (northern) Italy on vacation
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DWe went through the fun of USCIS, but luckily he was already in the US on an H1B, but his inconsiderate Indian employer kept threatening to transfer him back to India (even though they never did). It was a lot of paperwork, and it wasn't simple, but it wasn't impossibly hard either. As for the marriage itself, I know a lot of people who got married overseas and then applied for DH to come join them in the US. One of my best friends in college was doing that. The hardest part is having to be apart for a while during the process, but if you're not living together now, that wouldn't be as big an issue.
I'm also curious how you guys met! I'm a sappy IN romantic.
(XH and I met at work playing foosball. I Googled him and found out he had a published computer algorithm, and my nerdy self was smitten. He's still a great guy - we were just young and didn't know what we were looking for. Now we're back to being just friends/colleagues.)
Okay, so I'm going to try to answer all your questions, if I miss one sorry.
Publius- We met on a Christian dating website.
Ukyankee & myblueangel- I am deferring them now. I don't know if I can defer them in India during that first year. The way the rule works is that you have to be seeking employment... but if I signed a paper saying I was seeking employment, that'd be violating India's law that I can't work. So we're going forward as if we have to pay it, but if we can get it deferred great.
I'm applying for jobs and have applied for jobs. There aren't many here and my transportation is limited because I don't own a car. I'm currently applying for residential summer jobs, like camp counselor, so that I'd only have to worry about getting there at the beginning of the summer and going home at the end.
myblueangel- I will not live with my in-laws. It's totally an option and quite normal in India (apparently 40% of young people live with the husband's parents during at least the first few years of marriage) but I just draw a line there. It's nice to know it's there as a backup, so if he lost his job or something we'd not be homeless, but I want us to make it on our own. Plus his mom is compulsively neat and I'm a very messy person, and his parents are not happily married (married, but not happily). Also, my best friend and her husband started out their marriage living with her folks and I witnessed first hand how that really added to their fighting and friction- in their case her parents were well aware of her faults, having raised her, but didn't see his right away so they were always siding with him during arguments! I've also definitely heard it going the other way... Plus, Ryan's never lived apart from his parents. It's time.
NLfoodie- no, we haven't been able to visit one another. But that seasonal cashier job is the only job I've had the whole time we've been together (I had 19 1/2 months of unemployment before it!) so it's not surprising. Economically we've been wondering if it comes down to having a wedding or getting married at all (that is, a wedding reception) would we chose to wait? Or forego it and marry anyway?
See, we'd like Ryan to visit here and have a US wedding celebration, then go to India and have the legal wedding with his family and friends... but maybe that's not possible. Personally, I just want to be married already. I am a total wedding girl, dreamt of it for years in every aspect... but I want to marry him before 2012 passes away. Ryan's more been leaning towards putting it off until we can afford just what we want... but that means us remaining 8,000 miles apart. We actually just had a big discussion and he's agreed now, we're aiming for this year.
Basically we're still aiming for the US & Indian weddings this year... but if the year starts sliding away and we don't have the money, we'll just do the move and whatever wedding we can afford in India alone. We can do a vow renewal in the future if we have to...
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV
Wow, that's a great story! I hope things work out for you to move soon. Best of luck to him on the job front, too.
Have you two met in person or is this all online. Sounds very romantic
I'm just curious about what your family thinks of your move to India and your life with Ryan?
I agree MCC, it's very romantic
Edited because after reading the whole thread my question was already answered.
That sounds like quite a story! And a lot to overcome to be together. I hope everything works out as you're planning!
I moved to India 6 years ago and lived with my in-laws for 3 years while H and I were building our house. After living on my own since college, I thought it was going to be a big transition and a bigger pain in the bum to live with his parents. But it actually turned out great. I have a really solid relationship with both mil and fil and we learned to co-exist nicely. It helps if you have your own schedule and space. I highly recommend comig to India at least once before you move here-I know it m
a girl from Hawaii, living the expat experience in India.
I moved to India 6 years ago and lived with my in-laws for 3 years while H and I were building our house. After living on my own since college, I thought it was going to be a big transition and a bigger pain in the bum to live with his parents. But it actually turned out great. I have a really solid relationship with both mil and fil and we learned to co-exist nicely. It helps if you have your own schedule and space.
I highly recommend comig to India at least once before you move here-I know it might not be totally feasible but I'd do it if you could. India takes a lot of getting used to. In any case good luck with everything!
a girl from Hawaii, living the expat experience in India.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You'll find a lot of support here for being stuck in a long-distance relationship! It is definitely not the greatest situation.
How long has it been since you guys got to see each other?
Hey expatjen! Where in India did/do you live?
Originally we wanted me to visit India, then have a US wedding, then have the move and the (legal) Indian wedding. Then we realized we have nowhere near that much money and were just going to do the visit to India and then the Indian wedding/move. But then after my mom begged us to have him visit the US and my heart was breaking at the idea of not having a US wedding, we decided we'll aim for US wedding/visit, then move/Indian wedding this fall. To be honest, we're not sure if we can do that and we just had an honest conversation about whether if we can't afford the US trip wedding and move this fall, do we put them off until 2013? Or do we just do the move/Indian wedding?
We decided to make getting married this year a priority. So we're definitely still hoping to do the US wedding (I called a venue to get quotes yesterday) but we don't know if we can do it. It'll probably depend on if I can find employment this summer.
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV
I live in Bangalore and chennai - we travel between the two every few months. We visit Delhi and Bombay a few times a year for my H's work.
Before we were married we did long distance for 2 years. It was tough, but we managed to make it work. In that time, I visited India twice. It helped me get a sense of life there and allowed me to meet his family before moving.
How are his parents with him marrying a non-Indian? My MIL took a while to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't Indian. But after spending time together we now get along really well.
a girl from Hawaii, living the expat experience in India.
Personally, if I wanted to get married, I wouldn't even worry about a venue - I'd do a justice of the peace with family and then go to a family home for desert...you don't need a big wedding if you don't have the cash - if you want to get married, you just have the one wedding you can afford and deal with it - if his family want to host a wedding in India then they can do that, but you guys shouldn't have to pay for two weddings if it's just cause both sets of parents are "insisting".
(Oh, and if you do have issues with the ILs, feel free to pm me - mine refused to meet me until 2 months before our wedding when they figured they had to choose between meeting me or losing their son...they were from India but DH has lived in London his entire life).
I want the big weddings. Oh, how I want them! I'm a total wedding girl. No one is insisting we have weddings but me. :)The idea of not having a wedding breaks my heart... but I'd rather forego it for now and be with him then delay our marriage just for the sake of a party.
Mom wants Ryan to come to the US, that's what she's insisting on.
His parents like me. Him marrying a non-Indian is just fine with them. Since the whole family is Christian, and India is only 2% Christian, they actually kind of expected him to marry a non-Indian. He has gotten some flack from friends "What, there's half a billion girls in India and you have to find an American?" but that doesn't bother him any.
He's an only child, so his mom is all excited about"having a daughter". She seems very nice when we've spoken and eager to meet me. His dad seems nice too, but he's more indifferent. I'm not sure how he feels about me, but he at least expresses friendliness.
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV