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Looking for others dealing with feuding in-laws and baby-sharing
Hi Everyone -
I am looking not just for advice but for people who have dealt with the same situation I am dealing with.
Without getting into too many details, the basic gist is that for a variety of reasons, my husband's parents do not get along with my parents. The feelings go both ways. They can be cordial too each other, but both sides would prefer to not really interact with each other. Both sets of parents live near each other in RI but husband and I, as well as our 6-month old, live hours away in Philadelphia so when we visit, it is usually a pretty big deal and both sides clamor for our time and attention. The new baby makes it even more difficult, especially since the parents live close to each other so they both know that when we are visiting one set of parents, it's not a big deal to quickly visit the other.
So we're starting to think about the special occassions that are coming up (baptism, birthdays, etc) that we are going to have to deal with when we visit. Obviously the most convenient thing for us, especially when we visit for just a limited time (like a 2-day weekend trip), is if we have one big gathering at one parent's home so like one birthday party with both families, friends, other family members who are geographically closer (my side has a bunch of relatives in MA but all of hubby's family is in RI) to the parents than we are. One set of parents seems grudgingly willing to take on such a hosting of an event while the other side would wants no part in attending anything the other is hosting, baby?s presence or not. But even the potential hosting parents would prefer if they didn?t have to really worry about the other side although they are obviously more willing to just deal with it.
Hubby and I are both people-pleasers and we don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable so ideally, if we had the time we would have separate events for the families (like 2 birthday parties for the baby at each parents? houses. But I?m concerned about those times where we aren?t able to make it work. And if we have 2 parties, say one with my family (including guests coming from MA) and our RI friends (which means big party) and the other with hubby?s family, we have to deal with awkwardly explaining to our friends why hubby?s family isn?t at this big gathering that you would expect them to be at since our friends are there. And hubby is concerned that I?ll feel so obligated to spend time with those family members of mine who traveled from MA that his family will end up getting slighted. Obviously I always try to do my best but I do feel the need to make sure that people who traveled a bit to see us (and more importantly the baby) feel like it was worth it.
So I would like to hear from others who are in a similar situation or have been in a similar situation. Although I welcome all advice, it?s one of those things that only those who have been in it can fully appreciate the delicate balancing act that we must do. How did you manage it or is it still an ongoing issue? Did you just always do your best to just do separate things and make it as equal as possible or did you have to have some battles with the family and just tell them to suck it up and move on (and trust me if I thought that a simply conversation saying suck it up and move on would quickly and easily do the trick I would do it in a heartbeat but I know that will not be the case). I?ll take anything that anyone has learned from their own experiences as well.
Thank you.
Re: Looking for others dealing with feuding in-laws and baby-sharing
Savannah
Callista
Baby Trail Blog
"Someday we will look at our babies and know it will be worth it. If it was easy, we would not have had our babies, the babies we were meant to have." From Amy052006
You're parents now. You need to start acting like it vs acting as their children trying to please them. One party and they need to figure their shiit out or not attend. As the kid gets older and friends are involved in the party scene, you're not going to be able to have 2 parties. And that sounds ridiculous anyway. People pleasers or not your first priority should be your little nuclear family and what's good for you guys. Do you want your kid to grow up learning it's ok not to be able to compromise and that people should be bending over backward to adjust to others immature behavior?
I don't even know how to adequately put out there how ridiculous this all sounds.
First, ditto TSD. You all need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on what works best for you - and specifically your child.
If your parents want to act like kids, let them. THEY will be the ones missing out.
Let's not make this more than it has to be. Are people really going to be tHAT inquisitive, and even if they are, it needs to be "awkward"? Why? Just say "Oh, yeah, unfortunately this timing didn't work for his family". or "Yea, they already had plans".My MIL didn't come to either my wedding or baby shower. It wasn't THAT big of a deal and when people asked, I just said she was unfortunately already busy. Done and done.
ETA; i will say that some people were like "your MIL didn't come to your BABY SHOWER?!?!?! I can't believe it.". You konw what? *I* didn't make a big deal out of it, so it quickly became not a big deal. She has social anxiety and I actually expected her to not come. So when people were "shocked", I just shrugged my shoulders and just kept it simple- she wasn't up to coming out.
The bigger deal YOU make it, the bigger deal it becomes.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
No one has EVER asked where my father is at anything of ours. We haven't spoken to him in two years. If someone did ask, I'd be honest and just say, "well, he wasn't invited AND he's an a$$hole" and leave it at that.
It's really no one's business but you can choose to lie or tell the truth. "They decided they couldn't make it" should suffice.
Crap...I Mean Crafts
I agree with Cali. My H's parents are divorced and his Dad's family can sort of be a-holes about things like this. I've made it clear to him that if/when we have children, we will host events at our home and ALL family will be invited. If his Dad's family chooses to not attend because his Mom and her husband will be there, then that's their problem. I also don't plan to pack up my kid and drive 2+ hours for each special occasion because his Dad's family won't come to other events.
If they can't buck up and act like adults for a kid's baptism or birthday party, then I don't want to spend the time with them anyway.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks everyone so far. Keep them coming because I am definitely taking something from every post. Just know that obviously the easiest thing is to host at our place and that would solve everything and I'm sure we'll do that when we can but I'm concerned about those instances when for example, we happen to be in our parents' state at the time of the birthday for example so it would seem stupid to not have a party.
Another thing too- at some point, if either/both set of parents try to guilt you, try to make you feel bad, you may need to "lay down the law" with them. From the way it sounds, I would expect someone in all of this to be keeping tally. "You spent 1 day and 4 hours w/ them, but only 1 day with us" - shut that crap down. "It's about the quality of time, not the quantity. I'm not going to focus our energy on being even. If you have a problem with this, then that's on you.".
Or they refuse to come to a party but then later try to guilt you over it? "We're all adults - it's on you if you can't go to their home and be civil. I'm putting DD first - not you. "
Seriously- put it back on them if they try to make YOU feel guilty. Because they ARE the adults here and they need to put their petty crap away and think about your DD.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your families need to grow up. What could have possibly happened to make this into such a huge ordeal to visit? My parents and my IL's aren't friends by any stretch--they're completely different kinds of people/personalities--but they would never refuse to host the other parents or vise versa at a large gathering for their grandchild's birthday/special occasion.
In your case, assuming your parents don't relax, could you rotate visits (of course this would depend on how frequently you travel up there)? Encourage each set of parents to visit YOU? Get a hotel when you go home vs. staying at either sets' house and host your child's birthday at a park/the hotel's pool/someplace manageable? I feel like while this is a stressful situation, you're bringing it up a notch by revolving so much around the parents. Do what you all want to do and your parents/his parents can choose to join or not.
why do so many grown azz people act like 5yos?
Out of curiosity, what page is your husband on? If he's stressing more about making sure his family gets enough time vs making sure your daughter has a good time, you've got something to work out with him first. Settling boundaries is good, but it will never work unless you guys have the same goal in mind.
If it were me, I'd do two parties when it was convenient for me. If I had a long visit, and both sets of grandparents wanted to do the bulk of the work, I don't see the problem. If it was going to be a short visit, or otherwise stressful, then I'd explain that Little Carmichael gets too stressed doing two parties back to back, so they're welcome to attend the one party or haul their asses down to see us next week.
If they put up a fuss, remind them that you accommodate them when you can, but this time it's simply not possible and you need to put your kid first. Inviting someone to a party does not equal cutting them out.
"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
And I would look into the feasibility of renting park shelters, the public pool or rec center space for those times when you're hosting ONE party.
Also keep in mind that parties tend to multiply and escalate. One year my daughter had more parties than she'd had birthdays. She had a class party at school, a friends party, a home party, a grandparents' party and two parties with her bio dad and his family. All of them were simple cake-and-a-song type parties, but the next year when she only had three parties it felt like a letdown to her.
"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
well if one set of parents only reluctantly agree to host a party at their home, then it is kinda rude of you to not take the hint and have a party somewhere else. I am acutally surprised you would even consider it. So your options are
1. have the party at your home and ask both sides to be polite to each other. They don't have to be friendly, just polite. I imagine you will be having parties at your home eventually so you might as well tear off the bandaid and set a precedent.
2. Have ONE party in a neutral location like a restaurant, park, community center whatever. My daughter's b-day will be at a local church with a nice indoor playgound. So it never hurts to search around in your own hometown. Again, don't tolerate any of their nonsense and tell them that they have to be polite to each other.
Having two parties is ridiculous and sends a very clear messages to both familes that by pouting and moaning and groaning, they get what they want. Trust me on this one, the lesson is very very difficult for people to unlearn and they will continue to act like babies to get what they want.
FTR, we have to deal with this on a smaller level when we visit my DH's family. His parents are divorced and there is stupid fighting over who we spend our time with. On our last visit my DH had enough and told his mom and sister to knock it off.
FI and I live in Australia, and my family lives in the States, so by default we spend all holidays and whatnot with my ILs- but there has been some contention over who gets to be Santa/ the Easter Bunny, etc. My FSIL has been doing it for the past seven years for FI's nieces, and has sort of assumed that she'll do it for my son.
I don't really have a problem with some of that, but my family has their own traditions that I plan on incorporating for our son, especially since my parents can't exactly be a day-to-day part of his life. If anyone but my FI has a problem with this, then that's too d**n bad. I love my ILs. They're an awesome group of people who I would choose to spend time with even if I wasn't going to be related to them. But they will not interfere in the way we choose to raise our son. We will be, first and foremost, our son's parents. What we are to everyone else can get in line.