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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
If you left the relationship - esp with kids
how did you bring up the topic of separation?
DH and i haven't been getting along for a while now, and I began asking him to go to counseling with me a year and a half ago. While I think that he shouldn't be surprised by the topic of separation, somehow I feel like he's not going to take it well and he will not be expecting it.
Do you have any tips or advice? things to say/not say? I cant file for 6 months because of residency requirements but I have the name of an attorney i need to call soon.
Re: If you left the relationship - esp with kids
My situation is extreme. I changed the locks and told him it wasn't his home anymore.
If it had been different I would have probably tried counseling first and give it my best effort to make it work. By the end of that (or if he refused to go) I would let him know gently that it is over and we need to try to keep it civil and be good co-parents.
It is a very personal conversation. I think the best thing to do is explain how you feel without placing blame.
Let's see... I spent about 1.5 to 2 years freaking out over it, talking to friends, writing letters (more to consolidate my thoughts than to actually give to him), planning to do it then chickening out (seriously, one night, what came out of my mouth instead of "I want a divorce" was "hey wanna go see a comedy show?" wtf)
then when I'd really tortured myself to the brink of complete craziness, one night of many that I was determined to do it, I had a ton of work to do, so I sat there while he watched tv (as usual) working and drinking, until my work was done, then I just blurted out "I don't think we should be married anymore"
Ultimately, I really didn't handle the whole thing well at all, and I'm glad I really thought it through first, but I waited too long, I stressed over hurting him too long, and really, is there a great way to leave someone??
I had made the mistake of threatening divorce for pretty much our whole marriage without following through. I'd yell at him, even print out and fill out the paperwork, and then we'd make up.
This time, he got all pissed about turkey burgers (don't ask) and then said he didn't want this anymore.
If I had known what a crap-storm this does to your emotions, I would have never been so flippant about bringing out the "D" word in the past. I grew up in a very stable household so I don't think I know (knew) how to deal with stress and yelling and fighting.
My advice, make sure you're serious. If you're serious, take small, but quick steps. He or you needs to find a place. You need to agree on kids (at least until court happens). You need to separate money.
Don't do everything at once. I know I will eventually sell my house (4bd, 2ba for 1 person) but that's not something I need to do immediately. I know I have to separate our vehicle insurance but it's not critical. Don't get attached to "things". Let him have the TV.
I'm not even half way through my own divorce but this is what helps me from getting overwhelmed - separating things I immediately need to do from things I don't.
My situation was a little different in that he was invovled with drugs and had cheated on me, we separated after I found out. But we did reconcile and tried to make it work.
It was bad and I used counseling as an ultimatum, either go or I was done. He didn't show so I met with an attorney a few weeks later and filed about a month later.
He was not expecting it (I'm not really sure what part of "I am done" he didn't understand) and he still is in denial about it.
We have two small kids and, while it is incredibly hard, I know it isn't going to be this hard forever.
Best of luck!
I also had an extreme situation. I found out he was cheating and using drugs. I kicked him out, changed the locks and told him I was filing for divorce. Before that things were not going well AT ALL and we did try counseling but he went once and refused to go back.
If you know you've exhausted all of your options, he shouldn't be surprised when you finally tell him you want a separation.
Unlike the PPs I did not have an extreme situation. We hadn't been getting along for quite some time and we clearly wanted different things. I tried to get him to go to counseling, stop putting everything on me, and actually spend time together or at least talk more. We had many conversations about this and nothing changed. We had the same conversation for about the 30th time and I said "If things don't change I don't see how this marriage is going to work."
Things didn't change. One day we were sitting together and (like usual) he hadn't spoken a single word to me since getting home from work. I told him I needed to talk to him. Then I explained that I still wasn't happy, nothing had changed, and I didn't want to be married anymore. I asked him to move out while we figured some stuff out. He decided he wanted to work on things but at that point it was too late. We went to a few counseling sessions and I finally told him I wanted a divorce.
I think one thing that made it hard was I was non-committal to the conversation. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted so I couldn't tell him directly that I wanted a divorce. It was hard for him to understand how I wanted him to move out but wasn't sure about anything else. I would try to be direct but not aggressive. If you plan to separate, think about what that means to you. Do you want to stay monogamous? Go to therapy? How will money be handled? The practical side of separation can be hard. Originally I asked for a separation then realized I really wanted a divorce. Good luck. I'm sorry you're here but hopefully it works out in a positive way (whatever that may be). I know that my divorce was difficult and heart wrenching but in the long run it was the right decision.
ETA: I'd also spend some time thinking about what you want your custody arrangement to be. In my state temporary custody is the "status quo" so whatever you do from the start is essentially the way it will be until you get a final court order or agree to something else. I wish someone would have told me that from the get-go. My son was an infant when XH and I split. We created a really complicated schedule that was pretty stupid and had something like 6-8 exchanges a week. Our new schedule has most of our exchanges being pick ups / drop offs at daycare and that works much better.
My X kind of freaked out when he realized I was serious about the divorce. He regretted not taking action before and not getting help for his depression. Since we both still loved each other it was hard and he crossed some lines (using his key to get into my place after we had separated and he had moved out, going through cell phone records, calling my bff). I got defensive. That made everything so much worse. We fought about custody and finances for a few months before I realized I needed to give him a break for the lines he crossed. He was emotional and freaking out. It didn't make him a bad dad or a bad person. He genuinely felt remorseful. Once I realized that and he realized I wasn't trying to punish him or screw him over we were able to sit down and in 2 meetings solve every issue and get an agreement filed with the court. So think ahead and give yourself and him some slack if you make some minor bad decisions. We co-parent great now. We get along decently and put our son first. We even did a joint b-day party with friends and family.
offbeat- i'm pretty sure i want a divorce. i guess in my mind, it's much gentler to ask to separate and then file later. i can't remember if i mentioned in my OP, we can't file for ~6 months because of residency requirements.
i don't want him to freak out and then have all the money/sharing/splitting stuff conversations to be horrible. i want to be civil and try to create a civil environment if i can.
If you want it to go smoothly (which is a relative term), don't overwhelm him or yourself. Bring up the topic of separation. Don't bulldoze him by going down the path of "I want a divorce and I figured you could move in with your friend X because he has that big basement and you can have the car if you want but I'd like to keep the stereo and we can pawn our rings and split the money and by the way I already spoke to the bank and here's the paperwork for separate accounts so if you could be out of the house by this weekend that would be great"
Things might get ugly, then they might get better, then you might want to reconcile, then they might get worse again but just remember - not everything has to happen today.