Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
S/O cohabitation
After reading this post I thought about something. Could you be in a serious relationship with someone, sharing a home, having kids... and never get married? Or is getting married an absolute requirement?
The more I think about it, the more I think that I could live with someone for like 30 years, have kids, a house... and never get married. I would be totally OK with that. An I realize Society is more and more on par with that. At my work for example, you can have your domestic partner on your health insurance.
Re: S/O cohabitation
My exH is not my child's father and the biological dad is not around and hasn't been for many years/ doesn't pay child support. Financially (like taxes and things like that) I was much better off as a "single" mother - filing head of household.
I've actually been thinking a lot recently about if I would get married again or if I would just have a partner. I'm leaning towards the partner but who knows when that person comes how I will feel.
I have a friend who is like this--she's been with her partner for 7 or more years, and she has two kids with him. They're just not technically married. She's happy with it most of the time, although I think it bothers her once in a while when her partner points out to people that he's not married.
Personally, I couldn't do it.
I used to think I could be this trendy but I have to admit, I would probably get irked at being called someones "girlfriend" for 25 years. I think I'm great so why wouldn't he want to marry me?
I guess I would need a good reason NOT to (one I can't think of right now). If you have the house, the kids, all that stuff, why wouldn't you get married? For political reasons? Laziness?
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
How does your work define "domestic partner?" Some employers only count a same-sex partner in this description, because they can't legally marry in many states and still want to be able to offer them insurance.
I'm traditional and like the stability and commitment of marriage (when you aren't married to a cheating liar, that is). I couldn't co-habitate forever. I was very clear about that when I moved in with BF. I told him we had to have very clear intentions to marry in the next few years. He agreed -- he feels cohabitation is more of a commitment than marriage because there is a physical change in his world because of it. Marriage is a legal thing on paper. But he wouldn't move someone in if he wasn't planning on marrying her.
Now we have a wedding date picked ... he's just working with the jeweler on the ring.
I guess I can't help but think of legal issues with cohabitation. I know some states won't let anyone but "family" into the hospital if something were to happen to one person. What about making medical decisions if you don't have a POA-HC? What about property, would it be held jointly?
As for me, I believe in the institution of marriage and want to make that commitment with someone else (and them to me).
FWIW, I know someone who cohabitated with her boyfriend for 20+ years and just got married because he lost his health insurance and could be put on hers.
No. The paperwork associated with giving your SO all the same legal benefits as they would have if you were married is ridiculous. If you wanted to keep things totally separate, fine. But if you want to be POA, be able to see them/make decisions at the hospital, etc., all of that is much easier accomplished by getting married than drawing up the paperwork to get it all without marriage.
Just as an aside, last year my 70something year old great aunt married her live in boyfriend of 40some years just because of issues with the whole hospital/medical issues/benefits thing.
This.
Funny you mention this, my dad and his gf have been together for about 15 years and they live together. They actually WOULD like get married except for that her deceased husband was military and she gets better benefits being a military widow than remarrying (she has lupus so her medical care is extemely expensive). So they had had to draw up all the paperwork, for him to be on the deed of her house and to be each other's health care proxy should anything come up medically. It is a lot of work to get the benefits of marriage.
Saved me from having to type out a response, this is totally me too.
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
The idea of not getting married again, especially after 2 divorces sounds well... wonderful.
But truthfully that thought is just my hang ups of past difficulties arising to the surface. I still believe in love, the commitment of 2 people and the oath of marriage. My faith and belief system will keep me going despite what I have gone through in the past.
Like the other poster was saying about the benefits being available to married couples when something happen, I know someone who recently got married after 35 years of domestic partnership because of the lack of choices and benefits in the case something happens.
Personally I want to get married.
My reasons:
- Since I may have to go to court to fight against my X having visitation/any custody I will not give X any fuel to fight with and being engaged/married shows the court that we are 100% committed. Maybe it isn't fair, but that is how the court thinks.
- It is just something I feel is right for me. I want a man to WANT to marry me. To make that decloration to in court, in front of God and to us as a couple... I am not even that religious, but I just feel strongly about taking that vow.
- Because I believe strongly in the idea of marriage I want to set that example for my child. I do not want to just live with a SO without that firm committment, I tend to question a man who is against marriage.
This was my issue. I knew Mr. Kuus was the best choice to make any medical decisions for me if I couldn't, or after-death arrangements, plus I didn't want him to pay taxes out the wazoo on my life insurance.
I could totally do it. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I would (eventually) like to have a long term relationship with someone but the marriage aspect of it has definitely changed for me. I'm not saying I won't get married again but it's definitely different now.
I totally understand that cohabitation article but I just don't think I could do it. I have to have steps in my relationships and living together is a huge one. I won't do it again unless it's a serious relationship (like... planning our lives together / stay together indefinitely type thing) but I couldn't marry someone without living with him.
Yes, in theory.
No, in practice.
I've actually talked about this with a recently-divorced colleague, and he's adamant that he will never marry again. He's not religious, and he doesn't think the government should have any role in his decision to be in a committed relationship. It shouldn't be any of their business. Especially in places that make divorce difficult, especially compared to marriage. Governments seem strongly pushed by (originally-religious-based) morals to make it difficult to dissolve a marriage.
If it was simply a matter of not getting the state involved, I would be fine with not getting married. It doesn't matter that much if I'm sure the person is truly committed and we swore as much to each other.
In reality, it probably wouldn't be possible not to get married. Even with liberal health insurance policies, you would have to draw up legal paperwork to handle inheritance, illness visitation, etc. My sister explained to me once that if one of them died, the other would have to pay inheritance tax on all of their shared account balance, because they weren't considered legally married in the state where they lived.
My company is becoming more and more liberal, and I would like to believe that the same-sex partner regulations would be applied to an opposite-sex domestic partnership, but I'm not so sure it's the case. If it isn't, as an international employee, it would be a major pain, because in addition to having to deal with immigration issues on our own, it would be a huge loss of benefits in terms of housing, home travel, etc.