Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Four predictors of divorce....
http://www.andersoncooper.com/2012/04/18/gottman-four-negative-patterns-that-predict-divorce/
Now, talk amongst yourselves.
Any thoughts?
2011 Races
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Re: Four predictors of divorce....
1, 3, and 4, IMO are characteristics of unhealthy methods of handling conflict, but 2 is more a product of a bad relationship.
Yes, I had contempt for my husband. Extreme contempt, resentment, anger, because he wasn't being my partner. It was his behavior that created those feelings, and that behavior that led to the divorce.
Who would go into a marriage with contempt for their partner?? Sure, that would be predictive of a divorce, but that's sort of common sense. If you go into a marriage with negative feelings about your partner, that's not good.
All of this heavily existed in my first marriage. After being black and blue, threatened with the belt buckle and knives... I didn't have it in me to work these problems out so I ran.
My second marriage, well... I loved xh very much but he was too much reserved and never spoke out so there was nothing to work with. He just refused to fight and simply just refused to speak his feelings in everyday life.
I am working on being able to identify my needs through therapy and realize I chose men in the past that were extremes, either overly emotionally or under emotional and need to find my middle ground and the healthy balance.
You know,,, everyday through therapy, I am learning to love myself more and I actually do love my life now though despite hard times and overcoming bad memories and hardship. I am really glad to take this time to have a ?relationship? with myself and good friends. This is all I can handle at the moment. I do finally understand how you can?t truly love others if you don?t love yourself. I used to love others more than me and thought that was more than enough and boy was I wrong.
This makes me really happy for you!!!
The ex and I were experts at bringing up past events and using it against each other. We never wanted to accept responsibility for things we had done, just wanted to turn it around and point out each other's negatives to deflect any criticism we were taking.
Honestly looking back none of those were a big deal in my relationship with my X.
Criticism was the only one I identify with. It was rare, but when he would get really angry he would attack and not fight fair.
I guess he was stonewalling in terms of hiding his secret life... that is kind of a "duh".
Ding Ding Ding!
Chalk up one point to stonewalling...but it was me who stonewalled. We'd fight (often about NOTHING!) and I just wouldn't want to fight or felt it was unproductive or felt attacked, so I'd just shut down. I wouldn't want to talk about it, so I'd leave, walk away, spoke minimally, etc. It was my way of trying to calm the situation, but he read it as something negative, so it would set him off anymore. Then, que the "You ALWAYS shut down!" You NEVER talk about things" You know, all the things that you're not supposed to say when fighting fairly.
In regards to a PP about contempt, I didn't go into marriage with contempt. I think contempt crept into our marriage, it didn't start off that way. It developed over time through various issues (family, money, etc.) and was always kind of lingering, only to get worse and really prevented either of us from being happy.
So, I'd say this guy is pretty accurate. Those are 4 traits of a marriage that is going to fail if not repaired quickly.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
That was my point though...the other things are unhealthy behaviors, while I think contempt is a product of those. You don't get contempt in a marriage just out of the blue.
And OF COURSE its an indicator of possible divorce.
Feeding off this though is respect. Looking back to my XBF I didn't respect him from day one. I walked all over him and took control of the relationship because I didn't think he was intelligent enough to do a good a job as I did. Looking back it is laughable to me that I was with this man. I mean, I liked it because I got all the control, but that isn't healthy. So I think having respect for your partner is just as important.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Oh, gotcha.
We had all four of these too. I'd say he was #1 and #2 (maybe #3 to a degree), and #4 at the end, and I was #1, #3, and #4, and #2 at the end.
I think my XH always had a degree of contempt for me - he operates solely based on his head and never on his heart. The fact that I had personality traits he didn't really like never factored into his decision making process. I was a partner in the sense that I would provide a level of security for him - financial and otherwise. At least he wasn't alone, yanno? I was too young and stupid (and cynical) to pick up on it. I didn't realize that a relationship should be more than a meeting of the minds.
Now that I'm in a healthy, loving relationship these traits are non-existant. Especially #3 and #4. I was such a defensive person (and, thus, a critical person to balance it out) when I was with XH, and now if BF voices a gripe, I'm quick to own up to it and make it right. I've also never used the silent treatment on anyone but XH, LOL.
I think its great you're taking the time to do this, you should be really proud of yourself.
Ugh. I remember that so well. He'd lock me out of the house or he'd take off in his truck. I remember resorting to the same behavior because it literally made me crazy when he would do that.
I completely agree with Alisha_A!
And, Dmarie - that was my situation with XH exactly...respect is way more important than controlling someone.
Agreed. It isn't healthy to try and control someone and that is MY issue. I totally respect current BF which sucks sometimes because he calls me out of my shiit. And I know he is right so I have to back down lol.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
yeah, that was pretty much our marriage - I could be critical, he was full of contempt. we were both defensive and a classic move of his was to give me the silent treatment. Or even take my stepson and leave for hours and not tell me where they were going, because I wasnt part of their "family''.
Makes me sad to know it was pretty much doomed from the start.