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More than kind of a vent, feeling conflicted, need some perspective LONG
Hi All,
My DH's niece turned 20 in December. She has 2 kids by 2 different fathers. She will tell you about all the entitlements she receives---Section 8 housing, food stamps, WIC, LiHeap for her energy bills, medical cards and education grants. She talks about everything is free...but it's not free. These are programs paid for with taxes.
Here begins my rant: She dropped out of school, she smokes incessantly, has an iphone (the cliche of paying for food with food stamps while texting on an iphone) and sadly, has this attitude that she is deserving of more, more, more. My ILs are nice people but I believe that they have unwittingly supported their granddaughter's choices by enabling her. They take her children overnight several nights a week, if she needs money--they give it, they recently gave her a car and continue to pay the insurance on it.
This past Christmas, DH's family decided to have adults participate in a name draw for gifts with the limit being $50. And everyone would buy for the children. DH's niece drew DH's name. We bought for the two people we drew as well as for the children in the family. To date, DH has not gotten anything from niece. She also did not buy anything for DS (a child).
Here begins my conflict (and continued rant): Part of me wants to ask niece if she sent anything...as DH had not received his gift from her yet. It angers me that she willingly participated in the name draw, received her gift and did not honor her committment. I think my cores issue is this: I am tired of watching her take from ILs, the system and having this attitude like she owed something for the choices she makes. I'm tired of watching ILs and family doing for her and in doing for her, doesn't motivate her to do for herself.
On the other hand, I feel petty and selfish since it's only $50 and DH and I make a decent living. Of course, we get up to go to work everyday and DS is in preschool all day. I struggle begin feeling bad for her situation and angry with her for not wanting more for herself. And though not my responsibility, I am concerned about my ILs limited resources being drained.
Perspective: I need some perspective...thoughts? Would you say anything to her? Thanks...I really needed to vent.
Re: More than kind of a vent, feeling conflicted, need some perspective LONG
well, given that it's already april, i'm not sure that i would say anything now. but in december when your family draws for the next exchange, i would explain what happened and suggest to the group that her name be left out of the exchange.
and i get that you feel sort of divided by worrying about it (upset but also petty), but i think that your complain is legitimate. it's not like she was forced to participate. it's pretty bitchy to join something like that and then not give anything, because the person whose name was drawn is the one who loses out.
What the ILs do is none of your business, while it may be frustrating to watch the enabling, you need to let it go. If they want to be doormats to a leech, that is THEIR problem and not yours. They know, whether outright or deep down, that what they are doing is not helping her have a better life, but it's easier than trying to force this girl into being better, I'm sure they justify it "we are helping the children". They'll never stop, so get over it.
Nobody is ever going to convince your ILs to exclude their granddaughter from the exchange. I can 100% promise you this. You have a few options in this regard, suggest a cessation of gifts across the board, suggest buying for kids and kids only (which would make it less obvious that loser mom isn't contributing), do a fun exchange where everyone buys $5 worth of ridiculous presents (like baked beans from the dollar store) and everyone pick a few and it will be good for some laughs (we did this one year when DH and I both lost our jobs, it was really fun and we continued for three years until MIL fell ill) or you and your H abstain from the exchange. Asking your ILs to single out the niece and eliminate her from the exchnage will only cause you drama and grief, since they are enabling her completely.
And as for the government benefits she receives, they're for her kids. Not her. While obviously she benefits, her kids desperately need them. It's not their fault they have a loser mom, they shouldn't have to pay a penalty for the crap hand they were dealt in the mom department.
And I speak from experience. My FIL supports my 33 year old loser SIL in every way imaginable. He will never stop. They're both losers. She's screwed when he dies, which is what I repeat to myself when I hear the stories about her.
The sad thing is that while they *think* they're "helping" her, they're not. They are enabling her to never do anything for herself, never grow up, never get a good education, never better herself, and never set a good example for her kids. One day they will be gone and she will fall flat on her face.
I get the anger over the Christmas gift. It's not about the gift. It's that yet again, she just takes and takes and never gives. She she's so used to getting what she wants, she probably doesn't even care.
Either way, there's nothing you can do outside of never loaning or giving her anything. I agree with telling your families that from now on, you will only give gifts to the kids.
I wouldn't enter the Christmas name draw again, but other then that there isn't much that you can do about it.
As for what your ILS do for your niece, it is up to them not you how they spend there money.
In regards to her getting help from the government; like a pp said the benefits are supposed to be for the kids but she obviously doesn't use it like that.
DH has a cousin (with a 2 yr old daughter) that abuses the system and it really sucks, she got a low income town house and she gets money every month to help her. I have a sister who is a single mom and has been told by the government that if she chooses to work then they are not willing to help her get into low income housing. They do did help by giving her a little cash each month but she couldn't live off of the money she was making, so she was forced to move back in with my parents. If she didn't have a family to help her out she could have just quit her job and had a place in low income housing in a day or 2! The system is so messed up!
While I can't stand people like her, there really is nothing you can do. I posted not too long ago about a fight between my family that started because my sister is just like your DH's neice. She gets food stamps, child assistance, etc. but doesn't work or go to school. And DH and I opening our mouths about it did not change her or the way anyone enables her. In fact, it ended up with everyone attacking us and supporting my sister.
Point is, if you do bring this up to YH's family it won't change their ways. And it could end up putting a barrier between his family and yourself. Just ignore her behavior and remove yourself from the situation.
I understand that your anger isn't about the missing gift - it is about the principle of the matter. She takes, takes, takes but never wants to give back to anyone. Sadly she will more than likely always be like that and your IL's are just letting her do it.
But you can't do anything about what your IL's decide to do with their money. Frustrating yes, but nothing you can do.
Believe me, I know just how you feel. My grandparents spend tons of money on my cousin's children - and yes I am talking tons of money. The boy got $10,000 when he graduated High School and he blew all of the money and didn't use it for any more education and the girl got pregnant while still in High School by a married man (fun times - she got pregnant when I was pregnant with my first. My mother and grandmother called my sister and told her to cancel my baby shower because 'the family' was all upset about this girl being pregnant and that we shouldn't be celebrating....um, yeah how does that relate to me?) And last year my grandmother bought the girl a brand new car to drive her baby around in.
It stinks - really stinks but they are doing nothing but harm to my cousin's children the way your IL's are doing but harm to the niece. I don't think I would do the Christmas exchange this year and would just buy for the children. Or just set up the drawing so that the IL's always get the niece's name??
I don't know what your DH's relationship is w/ his parents, so I don't know if it's worth it for him to try and talk to them about the bigger picture of this issue. And even if he were to talk to them - clearly there is NO guarentee that anything would change.
That being said, I agree with the others- come CHristmas this year, don't participate. And, again, depending on his relationship, if you all are asked about why not, decide how honest you want to be. "Oh, we're just going to focus on the kids" or "We participated, DH never got a gift - if people are going to participate but not actually participate, we'd rather not be involved....".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am blunt. I say what is on my mind. Because of situations like this. Here it is april and its kind of too late to say anything.
I would have asked her about the gift. I would have said something like "so who did you get in the grab?' or something .Ya its PA but ya know what... people like her annoy the Sh*t out of me.
I am glad you bought for her kids. that woudln't bother me because kids are kids.
She's a selfish assshole.
You can be poor and be an a-hole, or rich and be an a-hole. Doesn't matter. If she had a million dollars she's still be a selfish a-hole who didn't buy anyone anything for Christmas.
You can't change other people. Sad but true. Trust me, I get soooo annoyed by the prevailing attitude of entitlement and deservedness, but there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is not take part.
What?
Why are you concerned about the way she chooses to live her life? If you would like to live your life like she does then give it a whirl. I sense a twinge of jelousy. Its best when people keep there noses in the own bussiness. Enjoy your life and dont be so quick to judge others. Thats just my opinion. Ive been in her shoes and now im extremely successful. I can see the views from both sides. Just dont be so quick to hurl the first stone when Im sure there are little things about you that may need some work too.
Sorry I'm a little late on this. Like some of the previous posts have said - people who abuse the system irritate me too but I think given that it's April it's a little too late to say anything now.
It's sad that she's taking advantage of your ILs, but I also agree with the previous posts that's there's not much you can do about that either. If you say anything to your ILs - it may cause a conflict between you and them because obviously they don't realize and/or worry about her taking advantage. You will only look like the "bad guy".
That said - when next Christmas rolls around maybe mention something to DH's family or not participate in the gift swap.
When she picks a name, loudly say "oh, poor Bill! Sister stiffed me last year, I hope that doesn't happen to you!" Buy her children a savings bond and a $10 toy.
Tell your ILS that you refuse to participate if she picks your name, and that if she chooses your name, you will drop out and she can get whoever you pick. Or, talk to other family members about arranging your own swap (such as married couples) and don't include her.
We did a gift swap, and no longer do it (more b/c people complain and are difficult than because they stiff). We may have a "sibling swap (including husbands)," but will no longer swap with my parents' siblings. It's not worth the headache and we don't feel the need to play "one big, happy family."
first- i think you need to stay out of it. it's dh's family, his missing christmas present etc... if you have an issue with her being in the next christmas thing tell him and discuss it with him, not to his family directly. if he agrees he'll tell them. if not-you said your piece-and you let it go.
as for what the ILs provde her with-myob. it's their choice to do so and has absolutely nothing to do with you.