Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Trouble Adjusting
Hello. I am a lurker and this is my first post. I got married last year and my husband and I are both 27. I love my H and being married but I am having some trouble adjusting to married life.
I feel like I am outgrowing a lot of my friends. Very few are married or engaged. I am very established in a career and a lot of them are still settling in. It's just frustrating when i feel like we can't relate to each other the same way we used to. It also makes me feel lonely like I don't have anyone to talk to and that is a feeling I am struggling with. I talk to my H about pretty much everything of course but I don't know I guess I just miss the friendships I had. My friends think my life is "so perfect" because I am so settled and I feel like they blow me off when I say I'm stressed out about something.
I think also now that the wedding is over I feel like nothing exciting is going on with my life. Of course compared to planning a wedding life is very blah. I think I just need to have something to work towards.
These feeling have been stressing me out, especially since I feel very bad about feeling like I am "outgrowing" long time friends. I guess my question is, is it normal to feel this way and from an outsider's perspective what are some steps I could take to feel better? My H is very supportive and I have shared all this with him but I am looking to get another perspective.
Re: Trouble Adjusting
Welcome.
Friendships grow & change. Sometimes they grow closer & sometimes they grow apart. I do have to wonder if you come across to them as a smug married person? I know you got married & have a good job, but it's ok to have friends in different stages of life. It helps you keep perspective. If your friends are poo-poo-ing your stresses then that is a friend issue, but I suspect that they would behave that way with or without a ring on your finger, know what I mean?
Life doesn't change so drastically when you get married & settled. It shouldn't be so that you can't look past yourself to relate to your friends. I am assuming that interests & things in common are not so different that before you said I do. I think it would be wise to evaluate your attitude & expectations of your friends.
Also, take the opportunity to branch out to meet people you share interests with. I am not just talking about married women (though having some to relate to about married life is not a bad idea).
You are just coming down off the engagement & wedding high. In comparison, as you've acknowledged, life will seem tame. Give yourself & your friends a break during this time. Just chill out & let life be. All the things, interests & stuff you shared with your friends prior to getting married is still there. Remember that & maintain your friendships if you feel they are positives in your life.
To be honest I have never felt some magical difference in my approach to life before & after marriage. It was all the same-- I was just married & doing it all. The same is true after you have kids. You just figure out how to incorporate the change in your life. It does take some adjustment, it's true, but I kind of side eye your stance that "everything is so different" . You are married-- not a different species.
Good luck.
It sounds like you need some new friends.
You know how some friends, you can go years without talking to, and then when you do talk to them, it's like you pick up right where you left off?
Those are the kinds of friends you need more of. If your friends aren't meeting that bill, it's OK to branch out and try to find some new friends with whom you share more common ground and who come with less baggage. Late 20s seems like a very typical time for this kind of transition to take place for a lot of people. For me it happened due to a job/education life change, but it still happens to a lot of folks. You can get more out of your friends if you choose wisely.
ETA: also, being that the lack of wedding planning has left something of a hole in your life, may I ask, what was there before you were planning a wedding? And what might you like to tackle that you haven't felt like you've had the time/energy to?
Thank you for the responses.
Actually I think the issue with my friends has very little to do with my wedding. My friends are trying to figure things out in their lives and the wedding just happened to coincide with this transition phase for them. So they went into this sort of depression and I spent the last year listening to them and being there for them. Then I get the "your life is so perfect" which is frustrating and makes it feel like we can't relate.
In terms if what changed about excitement in life, right before we got engaged I left a very demanding job for a less demanding job so I went straight from demanding job to wedding planning and maybe this is the first time in years that I don't have something demanding so much of my time like that. As sad as it sounds maybe I don't know what to do with myself now? I didn't even realize that but you asking me what it was like before the wedding made me realize. I think that pinpointing this will really help. I mean for 5 years I was always so busy so maybe THAT is what I am having trouble adjusting to.
Thank you both so much.
My husband I are going through something SO SIMULAR! We've been married almost a year, And from the friends, to the way they think our life is perfect, to how we're dealing with life! So glad to hear we are not alone in this struggle! Reading this has helped me too! I deffinatly hope you find what your looking for!