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XP How do you know when to throw in the towel?
It's been a while since my first post. Basically I was feeling unhappy with my marriage for a bunch of reasons. Lack of communiction, intimacy etc. Dh is a pretty distant, introverted...most would say cold, person.
I actually grew a pair and had a talk with dh about how I've been feeling. He was surprisingly receptive and we had a good talk. Since then he's actually been putting forth an effort to communicate with me, to connect with me and pick up some slack with the house and with the kids. The problem is.....it's not fixing the way I feel. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did...? When I say I'm not sure....I really mean it. I care about the man, I do. I don't want to hurt him. I know I should want to work on making the marriage work. But if I'm totally and completely honest with myself, which I have not been for a very long time, my heart isn't in it anymore. I know many of you raised an eyebrow that I was never sexually attracted to him. And yeah....that's a pretty big red flag that should have stopped me dead in my tracks......11 years ago. Two kids and one big (underwater) mortgage later. Too little too late.
I was seeing a therapist for a while. But it wasn't a very good match, so I haven't been in about a month. I have an appointment with a different therapist next week (on referral from a friend)- so I'm looking forward to that.
I'm so afraid of just giving up. I'm afraid that my issues are preventing me from making this marriage work...from making me WANT to make this marriage work. (When I say issues, I'm speaking of my childhood of physical and emotional neglect). Am I walling myself off...? Is the lack of sexual attraction a smoke screen..? I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision and regretting it later. I feel like I'm going crazy in my head all day, every day. I feel like I can trust anything I'm feeling. And the fact that he's making a huge effort and going outside his comfort zone and I'm still feeling nothing makes me hate myself.
I guess this is part vent, and part question. Has anyone left a marriage for simple lack of love and emotion? I see so many stories of abuse, infedelity, substance addiction etc. and those are pretty clear cut. But this....just feels like giving up. 
Re: XP How do you know when to throw in the towel?
Sorry, I am trying to remember your back story....
Were you EVER in love with him? Why did you marry him? Have you tried couples counseling?
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I highlighted the parts that stuck out to me the most. I would be very concerned about someone who displayed this "cold" trait, or lack of emotion.
I also would worry that you were NEVER sexually attracted to him. There's definitely something to be said for being married with children and eventually having intimacy wane. But I think that is something that you have to work on to keep the spark. The fact that you never felt that spark is a huge red flag. I would never say that physical attraction and chemistry is EVERYTHING in a relationship, but it's an important element. When things are going well in that department, they seem like just a natural piece of a good relationship. When you're struggling in that area it makes the small piece turn into a huge problem. Basically molehills become mountains because being physically intimate is how a lot of couples connect or reconnect. Without that element there is usually something lacking.
I think that when you are done you will know. It won't feel like a push/pull. It will just feel like you are finally at peace with things.
I recommend continuing to go to individual therapy but honestly it does sound like you are just about checked out completely. You cannot force something that never was.
I really don't know if I was ever in love with him. Love him? yes. But looking back, I never had butterflies, "just gotta have him" type of feelings.
I don't think I was very conscious of it at the time? He was a good man, who loved me. Who....didn't leave me. We had things in common, had fun together. We were best friends. It's that romantic connection I'm realizing that may never have been there. Like I said, I don't think I allowed myseld to realize it at the time, or more likely told myself that type of thing does not exist. Like some kind of Disney movie. Again...I don't know, I feel a little blocked when I try and remember. I feel like I don't trust myself right now. And I can not really explain that.
Have not tried couples counseling because....I'm not sure the above can be fixed. I kind of feel like I am the broken one. Wow, I'm some kid of mess!
Do you still have fun together? Do you still have things in common? Have you tried doing some of the things that you used to enjoy together or trying something new together? I've read that couples should try new things together because it is a reminder and rekindling of the newness when you first started dating.
That being said, it's ok if you're done. You're allowed to be done. You're allowed to want/need to focus on yourself.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I love/d XH. I honestly did. But I was never head over heels in love with him. I wanted to think I was but I wasn't. It wasn't until after our divorce was final and I was dating someone else that I realized it.
The only thing that was different is that I was open with XH about my feelings. I told him that I needed him to actually BE in a relationship. We never talked, had no intimacy, and basically avoided each other. When things didn't change I tried to get him to therapy but he refused. I eventually told him I wanted a divorce. He tried to change but it was too late for us by then.
I believe that love doesn't have to be a butterflies type of thing. It can be gradual. The one person I've truly been in love with was a gradual experience. We were friends first then slowly became something more. I don't think we ever had butterflies but we were definitely in love.
Get yourself a good therapist. Mine has been amazing. Seriously, I don't know if I could have figured things out and changed for myself if I didn't see her. She has helped me really figure out who I am and get over some trauma that occurred earlier in my life. She also helped me come to terms with my decision to leave my XH. It really was the best decision for me but I had a hard time with it because of DS and there wasn't anything terrible like drug abuse or infidelity. Hang in there! It does get better. It won't be easy and you'll have to do a lot of soul searching but you can do it if you're dedicated.
My marriage is ending for a different reason (infidelity), but I have been in therapy since January and am finding that although it WAS an affair that was the final straw for my marriage, there were other issues going on, and some of them are definitely mine. I have major intimacy issues and trust issues (NOT made better by being cheated on!), and as a result, I have committed to working with my therapist to "fix" myself. It sounds to me like you are not sure if it's your issues that are the problem, your issues together that are the problem, or your actual marriage that is the problem. I think if you found a good therapist that you really connected with (mine is AMAZING), you could work on what you seem to think are issues on your part. You could also try couples counseling to see if there is something that you can work on together or in your marriage. That way, if you decide in the end to leave, you will know that you did what you could to make sure that you were making the right decision.
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