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So mad at DH, am i overreacting?
So for all those who have men that act like they don't care about anything that ever happens, especially bad, I need some help.
DH has been gone on business and this was the only time I called him yesterday and it went like this:
ring..ring..ring
DH: What do you want?
Me : (pause) excuse me? What did you just say?
DH: I'm in a meeting
Me: Then don't answer the phone, bye (click)
He calls me back and I get defensive saying how I will not let him talk to me like that when he answers with "what do you want". He's done it so many times in the past and I tell him I don't like it how its very rude and how that's not how you talk to people you love...each time he says its my problem that I feel so "emotional" about it and that he doesn't care and tops it off with "are you getting your period" or something...granted the past few times I've gotten really worked up about other things have been the week before my period. But this time I felt justified in getting angry. I never talk to him that way. I'm tired from working so much lately, keep up on all the housework and laundry (because no matter how much I ask him he still has yet to chip in on a regular basis), am asked by him to make these time-consuming cookies for a work party....and then he wants to ask me "what do you want"??? I feel like a maid.
Last night was the first night of our 7 year relationship (dating and married) that I left a pillow and blanket outside the room door for him. I was going to leave him a note saying Sleep Well, but then didn't and trashed it. He found it in the trash and wrote on it saying: Trust me, I will...
Am I overreacting???? What do I do to fix this? What's my next step? I know marriage is compromise but I feel like I'm always the one throwing in the white flag because I hate being mad at him.
Re: So mad at DH, am i overreacting?
I don't even understand how you have to ask if you're overreacting. He sounds like he doesn't respect you or your feelings in the least. I don't know how you haven't flipped out prior to this. Seven years is a long time. It doesn't sound like this is new behavior so how long has it been going on? Why do you feel like it's ok for him to treat you like this? Why are you making cookies for him when he acts like this?
He has no reason not to act like this if you never stand up for yourself. Telling him you're not going to stand for this behavior then doing all the housework and baking cookies surely isn't illustrating how you're not going to stand for that.
I think you have a right to be angry BUT at the same time I think your response was an overreaction.
I'd give him an alternative on what to say. I get why he's so short, he wants to answer the phone incase it's an emergency but wants to stop you before you start taking about things that just aren't important "hey, how's it going, whatcha doing, I just ate the biggest apple" type conversations. He's obviously not going about it the right way but what if instead of letting him know that you hate when he answers with "What do you want" because obviously that's rude and uncalled for you suggest "next time, if you can't talk you need to tell me that instead of snapping into the phone with a rude remark , Tell me "Hi, I'm in a meeting, can I call you back?" that way you'll know that if it's not important you'll say goodbye right then and there and you'll avoid this whole fight in the first place.
Maybe he really is so clueless he doesn't know what to say to make it obvious that "hey I'm busy, if it's not important I need to go now" give him something to say and see if it changes.
And let him know, that this way he'll also look like less of a asss in his meeting too if they can hear him talking to his wife like that
The answering "what do you want" and making him sleep the couch ALONE, may have been an overreaction. However, that mixed with the bolded above, I can see why you reacted that way. Does he often say things are YOUR fault when you get mad? And that he doesn't care about your feelings?
I also HATE when people try to blame my getting mad on my period. Uh, no, I'm mad cause you're a dickface.
The fact that you do all the housework even though you have asked for help and you are getting resentful about it is also a big issue. 7 years of being the only one to clean is a lot.
I think the fight was you finally standing up for yourself and had a lot more to it than just how he answers the phone. I think you feel run over by him constantly and he is always dismissing your feelings and you have had it. I would have had it too.
I don't think you are overreacting, but I think you need to find a way to get your point across. Obviously you having him sleep on the sofa didn't bother him.
You have to talk to him in a nonconfrontational way. When you talk to him about it he's thinking you're emotional, and not validating the fact that he's just being rude! So let it go for now and on a good day sit down with him and say something of this sort. "You know, I really try not to call you when you're at work unless I really need to. I know you're busy but talking to me in that tone when I need to just ask a question really upsets me. I would rather you not answer and call me back when it is a good time."
Now the other part is this...Do you only call him at work when you need something answered or want him to bring something home??? Or tell him something about the kids??? If so, I'm gonna give you a bit of advice that I've learned from a failed relationship. Don't do that all the time. His tone is probably because he knows that's all it's for. It doesn't excuse it but stop and think about it. He's prepared for you to ask him for something like you always do. Try a different approach. Give him something to look forward to when he answers the phone such as:"Hey honey...how's your day going?" Let him answer and act as if you're interested. Then let him know a little about yours but keep it short. Even give him something to look forward to such as: "I picked up a little something for us tonight....I can't wait til you get home!" Some people may disagree with this, but somewhere along the line we stopped doing what we did to get our husbands and now we just maintain a household. He's rude with you because when you call him it's about home and not him. Selfish on his part but just like we want him to tell us we are beautiful and all those other things we want them to do for us...we need to feed their ego as well. If you need to ask a question that's fine but make it be about him a little too. I promise you things will change. You don't wanna learn these things after the marriage is over like I did.
What did you want?
He treats you disrespectfully. Then, in order to avoid discussing his treatment of you, he ropes you into an argument over whether or not 'what do you want' is disrespectful enough for you to be allowed to get mad at, rather than talking about how badly he treats you.
Your next step is to stop these ridiculous circular arguments and start requiring what it is you need. For example: You don't need him to agree that saying "what do you want' is rude; of course it is. You know it, he knows it. What you need is for him to stop saying it. So require that of him. If he won't, well that tells you something about him and what he thinks about you and your needs. Which I think you know already.
I agree with this too!!
I swear to 6 pound baby Jesus, if my husband ever, one time, answered the phone with "what do you want", there would be war.
I don't think you're overreacting - and from the rest of the context you given, it sounds like your husband is a sexist assshole.
this, exactly.
i would really like to hear how your conversation went.
Hi kaila514,
I'm glad to hear that you and your DH were going to sit down and talk about this..in a non-emotional way. Hopefully, that was successful. Just thought I'd jump on here and link you to a couple of articles that I ran across during my time at Focus on the Family. They really have helped me to stop and reflect on how my husband and I communicate with each other and how we should be communicating with each other. Hope you find them helpful too!
You are not wrong to react that way. Simple human courtesy--especially from someone who is supposed to love you--is not too much to ask.
Oh I would be so mad if DH said that to me. It sounds like you and him need to have a little 'you need to respect me more' talk because if he has done this to you more than once, that is a problem.
You could simply sit down with him and apologize for making him sleep on the couch. (i think that might have been an overreaction but i also think that i would have done the same thing) but then tell him what he said hurt you and that something needs to change. Maybe even suggest counseling?
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