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thinking of moving back to my hometown but my fiance doesn't want to
Hi everyone,
I moved from Toronto to Vancouver early last year because my boyfriend (now fiance) who is also from Toronto moved to Vancouver for a job and i promised to move there with him once i finished school. Throughout my year here, i realized that i really wasn't liking the city or many areas of the province. i thought it was me being homesick and that it would pass but my feelings are still there. i often go through the pros and cons of living here such as:
pros:
-outdoorsy and active city
-beautiful mountain views
-somewhat descent weather (not this year though)
-feeling of being independent
cons:
-housing in the city and neighboring cities is the most expensive in all of Canada and North America (1 bed 1 bath condo goes for about $600 thousand, a 3 bedroom 2 bath 1400sq.ft house is about $800 000-1million plus)
-houses are MUCH more affordable and bigger in toronto and nearby cities
-my line of work pays the least in BC compared to all the other Canadian provinces...
- i enjoyed my line of work more in Ontario compared to here in BC
-cost of living in general is higher than toronto (gas, groceries etc)
-the education system (for my future children) has been known to be not as great. currently teachers have been on strike-no extracurricular activities, no report cards, no parent teacher interviews
- don't have any family here..miss my nieces and nephews and parents (same with my fiance)
-will never be able to afford the life i dreamed of
-Torontonian by heart and love the city
both my fiance and i can find work in our fields back in Ontario. The problem is, he really likes it here and has a stable job. he agrees with me on some of my points but again, really likes his job and he likes the mountain views and all that stuff. i don't want to sacrifice my happiness to look at mountains, i can go on vacation to look at them. it is quite hurtful knowing that i have the same job and education as many of my previous co-workers however will never be able to get ahead in life because or combined salary does not go as far as it would in Toronto
i don't know what to do. i obviously want to be with my fiance but i don't know how much longer i can stay in this city or province.
has anyone been in this situation? i'm hoping for any and every advice. thank you
Re: thinking of moving back to my hometown but my fiance doesn't want to
Can he find a similar position in Toronto? I'd start there.
Can you split the difference and move somewhere in between?
Our little Irish rose came to us on March 5, 2010
Don't drink the water.
Disclaimer: I am not an MD. Please don't PM me with pregnancy-related questions. Ask your doctor.
Put your wedding plans on hold until you both come up with a feasible solution.
I know of a couple who divorced over a situation like this; he wanted to move to Arizona; she did not want to go....but she went anyway. She hated it there; he did not.
There really isn't much advice that anyone can give other than the two of you need to talk, and obviously someone needs to compromise. Also, definitely figure this out before getting married.
What if you agreed to stay until you start a family? How far down the road might that be? The price for more than a 1 bedroom condo and the quality of the school system really doesn't matter until you have kids. Adjusting to any new city is tough. I've read that it typically takes about three years for a new place to feel like home, so as far as missing family and generally being homesick, I would just give those things time. However, your other concerns about quality of life in the long term are valid, but they aren't immediate concerns that necessitate moving right away.
I know that if I were in your shoes, the compromise I would be fine with is staying in Vancouver until my husband and I decide to start a family. If he won't agree to this, or you can't stand the thought of staying that long (which, really, until you have kids I think you should be willing to embrace this experience - which is pretty amazing), then you are going to have to re-evaluate the relationship. You don't want to get into a situation where one person resents the other and is miserable.
i think one positive point to this situation is that it came up before you got married instead of after. you can still make decisions as a single person.
i wouldn't be able to live in a town/state/country i hated, or be able to live far away from my family. i definitely hear you when you say that you don't want to sacrifice in that way. what do you think would happen if you decided to move back to Toronto? do you think he would follow you? or do you think he would break up with you?
I've spent a lot of time in both Toronto (having grown up in Michigan and having family in Mississiuga and Toronto proper) and in Vancouver (having lived in Seattle, your neighbor to the south).
We made a similar move for my DH. We originally moved from St. Louis, Missouri to Seattle, WA (think of it like moving from Edmonton, a moderately sized city to Vancouver, which is extremely similar to Seattle). We both loved it in Seattle. My husband was let go from his job however and found work in New York City. So we uprooted out life in Seattle to New York. It's like moving from Toronto to Vancouver. Totally different vibes. Very different people, different landscape, cost of living. EVERYTHING.
Anyway, I hated living in New York City at first. I HATED IT (I cannot emphasize this enough). And like (both of) you, we can find jobs in our respective fields in other cities (though his field is more limited than mine). Adjusting to a new city, especially those where the culture and vibe of the city is really hard. I've done it twice.
However, this fall, we'll be here for five years now. And now, I actually like living here - we've relocated to a new neighborhood, so we're in the heart of everything. We've made a close group of friends. DH likes his job, I love mine. DH and I have spoken of moving numerous times, and have come to an agreement that we can move if it is a city that BOTH of us like and that we can thrive professionally. But this all took TIME. Note that I said we've lived here for five years now - I would say that my appreciation for NYC has really taken hold within the past two years.
I did a pro/con list like you did too - and I would always find reasons why Seattle was "better" than NYC. Now I recognize that NYC is good too - but for different reasons. But it took time.
You didn't say if you had friends there. That helps a lot. Do you have outside activities outside of work and your fiance? That matters too. I can say, looking back on my five years here in a city I originally hated, it was because 1) my friends were limited, I barely had any, 2) I only went to work, to the gym, and then home, 3) I didn't take advantage of what NYC had to offer.
Now there are compromises I have had to make - NYC is super expensive, and I know that unless we come up with about $100,000USD we will never be a homeowner here. Public schooling kind of sucks unless you literally get lucky in the public school lottery (yes, lottery). So that rules out children. Finance is really competitive, I left a good paying corporate banking job because I hated the people that worked in it here, always a game of one-upping your co-worker and I couldn't deal with the backstabbing.
But the compromises I have made personally - and DH has made as well - have been more than enough to put me at ease. Yes, NYC is expensive, but I can get and find anything I want in this city. Flights to/from our home states are plentiful, and so are flights to almost anywhere in the world because NYC is a destination. We have expanded our network so even though we have no close family nearby, our friends suffice to be our comfort. We have good jobs with great organizations (DH works in sports and I work in fashion).
But it all took time. I had to give the city it's chance. You have to give your city its chance to shine. I love Vancouver (again, very similar to Seattle both in cost and cultural vibe), and we know, without a doubt, that we would leave our lives on the east, for a life out west. But leaving here (when it happens) will be hard. I might even cry a little bit ;-)
Best of luck.