Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is this workable or a compatibility issue?
BF and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We met in college, started dating senior year and are now living in the same area (me working, him in grad school). Now that we're out of the honeymoon/infatuation phase I'm wondering if there are serious compatibility issues between us. Here are the main problems
1) We don't fight well. This is by far the biggest problem. His fighting style is to be passive aggressive and I have a bad temper and can flare up and be very hurtful. We let little things escalate into big fights and it hurts our connection and level of closeness. I know that my temper is something that I need to fix or it's going to always ruin my romantic relationships. However, even when I'm not really raising my voice I get told that I'm yelling or to calm down.
2) I don't feel welcomed by his family and I don't really like his mother. He's worked really hard to limit the level of control she has over him over the past few years (monetarily, emotionally) but I just feel like she thinks she can say whatever she wants with no consequence. I also always thought that I would be welcomed by a BF's family and I get the feeling she thinks I'm not good enough for her son. My parents have welcomed him with open arms and I feel like I deserve the same treatment.
3) We have different ways of dealing with day-to-day things. I'm very schedule oriented, type-A, I prioritize what needs to be done and have pretty good time management and he always seems to be spreading himself too thin and forgetting about or struggling to keep up with things. This is sometimes the cause of our fights or my frustration.
I wonder if I'm looking for some perfect relationship with no problems - especially since I need to control my temper and he can't fundamentally change his family. Also, I know that in some ways our differing styles compliment each other, or at least they used to. How do I reverse years of growing up with a family who always yells everything out and what things should he/can he be doing so that his family doesn't ruin every relationship he gets into with their attitudes?
Advice is really appreciated. I'll be around all night if there are things that need clarification. I also might DD eventually since I used to come on TK/TN alot.
Re: Is this workable or a compatibility issue?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I am curious to know what types of things the mother says to or about you.
When SO and I first started dating, his mother was not happy. I was his younger sister's college roommate, and she wanted him to date someone who 1) wasn't rooming with his sister and 2) was probably not as outspoken 3) was a little more Catholic.
I hated it, because I had always been the "favorite" girlfriend in past relationships, and I did not know how to deal with a family who did not want me. luckily SO and I live across the country from his family, so I decided I'd give it a shot anyways because family time was minimal and he made it pretty clear that I was there to stay.
after three years of dating and four years of friendship, his mom has really changed her tune. I now genuinely enjoy the time I spend with his family. however, quietly voicing her disapproval to her son and publicly humiliating you are two different things, so I'd have to know more of what's going on here.
one final thing I'll add - some of the discrepancies that people believe are complimentary in the beginning tend to be the very things that drive them apart years later. what starts out as "cute" or "refreshing" can easily become annoyingasfuuck. if you're already annoyed by his personality characteristics 1.5 years in, it's likely to only get worse.
She's never outwardly said anything to my face but she has done things and said things to BF that I know about. It's small things that just add up and I can't seem to let go of. Here are the things I can think of:
- I know that she would rather have him be with someone who is Catholic which she has said on several occasions.
- She used to always pick fights about him visiting me at home or at school with their car on vacations or while we were LD (BF has twice had to take a train to see me because he wasn't allowed to take the car). Now we're in the same area so that's not really an issue but they still hold the car over his head any chance they get.
- She was noticeably upset when she found out I was moving to the area he's going for grad school after I graduated.
- A month or so ago she made a point of telling him that she and BF's dad "were not comfortable with him living in my apartment this summer" when this was not something we were ever planning to do, even though it would actually make of financial sense.
- When I invited her to my graduation party she made a comment about "we considered going out to dinner and giving (me) a card and money the celebration, so we won't be able to come." I was hurt because I felt like my nice gesture of wanting to include them was played off as being gift-grabby.
- The last time I saw her she pointedly asked him, "What would you do if you got an opportunity right now to perform in NYC?" and then made a big deal when he hesitated and said he didn't know/it would depend on the situation.
They have this very tight-knit, small family (BF, his parents and his grandma) and I just feel like an outsider. Are these small dumb things I need to grow up and get over? BF has talked to her and/or fought about all of these things but there always seems to be something new.
his mom can voice her disapproval over moving to the same city, possible cohabitation, etc. but as long as her son is an autonomous adult, then an opinion is just that. it has no bearing on his decision making, and he can consider it as much (or as little) as he pleases.
the only problem I see is the fact that it sounds like maybe your boyfriend's mom may be a little too involved in his life - if mom and dad use the car to manipulate him, he needs to get his own car. next time she tells him how she doesn't want him to take *insertnextstep* here, he needs to smile and tell her that you two will make that decision when the time comes. when she turns down your graduation party, thank her for the card and tell her you're sorry you won't be seeing her there.
I know this all can be exhausting, but perhaps once she realizes you aren't going anywhere she will devote some of that energy towards getting to know you/actually giving you a chance. it also will help if your boyfriend can talk nicely about you when you aren't around - I know my SO bragging about the work I do, my scholarship, career plans, etc. really helped in gaining his mother's respect for me. having each other's backs and supporting one another in the face of disapproval also helps to show the two of you as a united front.
but this does require a lot of work and patience - I'd want to make sure you've found the right guy before you start worrying about what his mom thinks.
I really appreciate this advice, I think you're right on all counts. She is too involved in his life (which is something he has pulled away from - they went from talking on the phone every day before we started dating to maybe 2-3 times a week now).
I know that something I really need to do is stop holding grudges for things that happened in the past because it just makes every new thing 10 times worse.
If you had spoken to me even a month ago I would have said yep, this is the guy for me, no question. We've handled a lot of life changes in the past year and a half - graduation, being long distance for 8 months, grad school, a family death, my move here, my finding employment and working full time. I think it's put a major strain on us as a couple and on my feelings about the relationship. I've gone from being very sure that I wanted to make things work no matter what to being very confused. I feel emotionally numb this week, no clarity one way or the other.
I think you're young enough that you should carefully consider how much it's worth investing in a relationship with these many substantial barriers to overcome.
This sounds like a good practice relationship, a decent warm-up for a truly mature relationship between two adults.
My question to you is really why you're thinking so long term so young. Even the idea that you "want to make things work no matter what" sounds like all about what YOU want to have to show for yourself, and very little about what this other person genuinely has to offer you.
My advice is to take things slow, listen to your feelings, accept that it is OK to feel confused or unsure about what you want in the short- to medium-term, and keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to yourself and seeing what others are actually doing for you. You don't need to have everything figured out right this minute, you really don't.
I think this is really great advice. good luck.
Thank you fuss, I really appreciate your advice.
We had a long talk this past week about our relationship and one of the things we realized was that we went wayyy too fast with our future expectations in the very early infatuation stage.We fell really hard and said all these intense things before we really had thought about them, before we knew about the roadblocks or were even able to talk about them and it's sort of hard to un-ring the bell now. Do you feel like two people who have been talking about the future for over a year can start living more short term?
I guess it does seem like I just wanted to have a serious relationship with someone no matter who, but despite the big changes we've had and any fights or issues, I always felt like it was worth it before maybe a week or so ago. I feel like all the fights about things have left a bad taste in my mouth and really messed with our level of intimacy. We can have level headed discussions about large issues but lately if one of us gets our feelings hurt over something dumb it gets totally blown out of proportion.