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I think I had an anxiety attack last night...
I've never had one before but I think I might've finally had one. I'm not sure what really brought everything one, although I have been really stressed out lately about a few different things:
-I'm constantly worried about XH and his relationship with DS. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall with him and I'm really worried that he'll go back down the path of drugs and I won't be able to tell
-J and I talked more about his situation with having to move Saturday night. He doesn't have to go for at least two more years but it still made me anxious because if we were still together there'd be the possibility of DS and I going with him. I have a home here, my entire family, all of my friends, and my career. Not to mention all the people that love and care about DS. It made me really anxious to think of the possibility of leaving all of that, even though I know if I was doing it for the right reasons it would be ok. Not to mention the fact that we have only been dating six weeks, which is MUCH too soon to think in those terms, but it's hard not to consider everything when you have a child.
J was here when I had the panic attack and he was great. I also just started bawling and saying how unfair my situation is, with everything I had to go through with XH and being pregnant and then the aftermath of raising a child almost entirely by myself. I told him I just don't think I'm strong enough sometimes and he said "hey, yes you ARE".
Anyways, I'm not sure of the point of this but I'm looking a hot mess on a Monday morning. Eyes are all puffy, I feel sick to my stomach. I guess I finally had the breakdown that was about three and a half years overdue.
Re: I think I had an anxiety attack last night...
You are a strong woman. Having emotional moments does not take anything away from that.
I will say that is it happens again you might want to talk to your therapist about it, but you probably released a lot of the stress last night and it probably wont happen again anytime soon.
((hugs))
Sounds like we both had it rough internally this weekend. Achase, I am sorry you are feeling this way, if I could make it go away, I would.
The above 2 struck out to me. I tend to be tense like a cat because I am always "waiting for the other shoe to drop". In my case, it is abandonment (i.e. people and family leaving me). The only thing I can say is to look carefully at the evidence in the current presence and let go of the past. It is good be guarded as that is what protects you. Just try not to let past memory sabotage current action if there are no warning signs. If there is, then follow your guts.
The second part, hearing this made me sad. I can sympathize. You are incredibly strong but you are carrying a very heavy load and holding on to a lot of burden. It is hard to let go of things we can?t control. I wish I could give you a mercy button. But always know that going through the hard work will always make you stronger and provide movements instead of being stuck in the same place, same crappy situation. I think you are doing incredibly awesome and you inspire so many of us on here.
I'm sorry, achase. I'm a relatively anxious person, and I've had panic attacks before -- and S gets them more frequently, and more severely. It sucks.
PM me if you want to talk about it further. I totally get what you're going through.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Sorry to hear about your freakout. Having one doesn't make you any less stronger...I hope! Because I had one hell of a week last week and I had a couple times when I broke down in tears. I think in our situations when we're doing it on our own, it's extremely stressful to realize that all responsibility falls on you.
Try not to think about things too far ahead into the future. Take one day at a time and deal with things as they come. No need to freak out about something possibly happening two years down the road when you may never have to deal with it at all.
Stay strong!!!!
Sorry you had a rough night Achase.
Also did you happen to notice mentioning everything that is positive and awesome in your life with this post? Your son, family, friends, career, and a new exciting relationship with a great guy. Focus on all that.
As far as your ex...you cant do a damn thing about how he lives his life. You will have to be the positive/strong influence in your son's life, just like you have been since day 1.
Hope your week gets better.
I am sorry
That must have been scary
Are you still seeing your therapist? Perhaps she can help you let some of this go...
Try to stop looking so far ahead... you have no idea what is going to happen in 2 months, 2 years, or 2 days. The only constant is change.
If you aren't comftorable with moving than it might be a dealbreaker for you... this is pretty common for single parents. The single dad I dated made it very clear he won't be moving out of NYC for at least 15 years and the person he dates will need to be on board with this. It's something you need to decide for yourself. Six weeks is a bit soon to be thinking about this but you are right - you are a parent and you have to do what's best for your child so you have to think about it.
I hope you can find some peace soon!
I do have a call into my therapist even though it's kind of last minute. I hope she'll be able to squeeze me in today but I do feel better getting it all out.
I also talked to my BFF and she helped me to feel more calm about things. She said to stop trying to look so far into the future about J and I because there's no way I can know anything right now. I just need to focus on enjoying our time together, until....I know that I will figure things out with him, one way or the other and there's no reason to push myself to know something about our situation this soon.
I'm not sure if moving would be a dealbreaker or not. I don't LOVE this area. it's where my friends and family are at but the weather is bloody awful, especially during the summer (much like San Fran in that it's socked in with fog 90% of the time and about 59 degrees). I also think that there would be more career opportunities for me, elsewhere and I think it would be exciting to move somewhere else. I lived away for college and loved it. I would still be in that city if I hadn't gotten engaged to XH. I just worry about the impact of moving and what it would have on P. For me, I would be totally fine with it. My main concern would be making sure that HE could adjust to things.
I know our kids are our main concern, but P would be fine. He's so young right now that adjusting to a move wouldn't be that big of a deal. You'd be with him and that would be the most important thing to him.
It's easy to stress about making the right decisions and doing the best thing for your child, but you're a good mom and when the time comes you will make a good decision. But that time isn't here yet so try not to worry about it.
And as JM pointed out, there is a lot of positive in your life. Try to focus on that
You are stronger than any woman I know and have been through so much. To feel stress is normal and I agree with the PP who says if they keep up to talk to your therapist about them. The thing with panic attacks is they come from your subconscious so it is hard to pinpoint the reason for them. Focus on all the positive in your life right now. You can only control what you can control.
I think it speaks volumes about your relationship with J (in a good way) that you felt comfortable enough to completely let go with your feelings.
The others have given great advice, so I don't anything to add.