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In need of recommendations. Hi. Im new.
Hey ladies, I don't really frequent this board, but Im in need of help and didn't really know where else to go. Any recommendations you can provide would be appreciated.
Background - Im divorced and have a 14 year old (turning 14 this Sunday). I separated from his father in May of 2010 and it was all finalized in Oct of 2011. I've been dating an amazing guy since fall of 2010. We moved in together last summer. When it comes to him and I - things are great.
My son has been acting out (which he has done off and on since he was in 3rd grade) and recently it has been getting to new levels. Disrespect, lying, manipulating, talking back, arguing - you name it - he's done it. He is, in every other way a good kid (no use of drugs, doesn't skip school, stuff like that). I personally feel that though he is still harboring some ill feelings about the divorce, I feel he has pretty much come to terms with it, accepted my BF as part of our family now and most of the time does great with him. We all go camping and fishing together, attend his sports events, do family type stuff which my son was seriously lacking in my marriage.
But when my son has a "rough patch" it is seriously rough. I have talked to friends who say "this is the phase of being a teen. The divorce doesn't help things, but it will pass." Well, there was a serious fight between my BF, myself and my teen son. My BF was standing up for me because of how my son was talking to me and my teen lashed out verbally at him. He got really pi$$ed and last night, did not come home. (he needed time to think).
I need some guidance on what to do here. I am researching therapists today to go to but im not sure if i should go alone, all of us, just me and my son? I don't know. I also know that its been hard on my BF going from no experience with kids to a angsty teen. I could really use your advice, ladies!
Re: In need of recommendations. Hi. Im new.
Has he had any type of family/divorce counseling after you and your H separated? If not, it would be a good idea to get him to a counselor; he needs closure and other help a counselor can provide.
Your son may be an adolescent who is rebelling and growing up -- all normal -- but mouthing off and lying is not acceptable.
I suggest you come up with a "contract" he can sign --- Derek Jeter the baseball player signed something like it; he talks about it in his book --- and in the contract, you come up with basic rules: No lying, no mouthing off, he stays out of trouble in general, he maintains a relatively respectable grade point average in school, keeps his room clean -- and in exchange for this, give him a weekly allowance.
He'll also nurtue an interest and everybody needs an interest and a hobby -- we all need an outlet to blow off steam.
Discuss the contract ahead of time with him --- I'm sure your son will approve the "rules" --- it's not asking much of a kid to overall be a good kid that doesn't lie, isn't a total slob and that he be a kid that gets involved in something fun that is also part of his interests.:) And no 14 year old will turn down virtually free money that comes to him in the way of an allowance.:)
Let the allowance be contingent upon the contract and follwing it.
If he violates any of the rules, restrict purposes.
Getting him invloved in one athletic endeavor and one after school club/otrganization is something else I suggest. He'll learn to work with others, have something he can do after school where it won't involve sitting on his can and doing nothing constructive
I just wanted to mention there is a Blended Family board. You should post there, too.
It might be teen angst, but it also could be he just is feeling pushed in to being this whole new family when he was not ready for the old one to end. Regardless, letting it escalate to a yelling match is not doing anyone any good. Next time table it until you are all cooled off and he is not being disrespectful.
You report to work, you put your time in, you get paid -- this is the same principle.
And what kid can resist nearly free money in exchange for doing what he or she is supposed to do?
I think the allowance upon "coming up with the goods" is more than reasonable. If he mouthed off in school or didn't turn in an assignment, same thing....he'd get a detention and you'd get a phone call/email home or whatever it is the school does in a case like that.. Again, following through at home is same principle.
Go to the library and get a copy of Mr. Jeter's book. Pretty much every kid likes baseball and knows who Mr. Jeter is --- and show him the section about the contract he signed.:)
Bowling is great; it's a lifetime sport. There's also tons more lifetime sports -- what about martial arts, swimming, tennis or soccer?
He's also old enough to be a volunteer somewhere -- hospitals still have teen volunteer activities and nearly old enough to get a little part time job.
You won't be taking everything away -- come up with a rule -- you'd restrict TV time, or his time on the family computer or he'd give up time spent with a friend on a Friday night. Again, it's simple rules and only common sense you respect an adult -- and if there is indeed something at home he doesn't like or upset about, he can sit down with you and discuss it civilly: that's perfectly reasonable and he's got a right to make his concerns known.
This is also a perfect way for him to learn how to save and spend money wisely, once he starts getting an allowance. Pretty soon it'll be time for a prom or time to start looking around for a good used car --- what better time than the present to start saving your money for those endeavors?
Kids need boundaries, so having a clear set of expectations and consequences (both for good and bad behavior) are needed. You and your son should work together in coming up with this. Giving him say in the process gives him a sense of control, and makes him more likely to comply.
I think a lot of this is "normal' teen behavior. That said, you need to take a step back and think about the role his family situation has played in this. You separated from his dad, and within 6 months were dating another guy (before you were even legally divorced from his dad). That's going to have a negative impact on the relationship you have with your son.
I think individual counseling for him is needed, as well as family counseling so the 3 of you can figure out how to be a family. I think there is some resentment your son has to you and BF that's not completely unjustified.
You and your son need a psychologist with a blended family background, not the advice of random internet people who may be raising toddlers or are childfree.
This is a really rough age in which to introduce a new adult male to your family. The few of my friends who found themselves single and dating with boys this age (11-19) were cautioned to take it very slow and to postpone cohabitation until their youngest sons were off to college.
I used to live near a group home for at risk teen boys. The one thing they all had in common was a single mom with a new man in her life with whom the boy wasn't able to get along.
The haste with which you split, divorced and moved a new guy in may feel OK to you, but it was a lot for your son to process in a short period of time. Dating in 6 months? Living together in a year?
I would dial back your relationship with your BF and work with a therapist to come up with a behavior plan before adding him back. I can appreciate that you'd like some help in parenting, but it should come from his dad, not your BF. Your BF should not be disciplining your son under any circumstances.
I am a high school teacher (15 years), but I have no kids. Take my advice for what it's worth to you...
While you may be happy and comfortable with the new relationship that you are in, you need to consider how this is affecting your son. He barely had time to process the divorce before having to accept someone new. Teens do not think the same way as adults do.
Also, just because your BF lives with you does not give him the right to parent your son. At least, that is how your son sees it. While it is admirable that your BF stood up for you, this is not the scenario for that. Whatever happened should be handled by you. You are his parent. Your BF is not. If you get married, then you can involve him in the parenting. At this point, it is your job (and your ex-husband's if he is still involved). Between your son and your BF, your priority needs to be your son. I'm not saying that it isn't, but perhaps he isn't seeing it that way. He needs to.
Just something to think about.
I disagree that's it "The Generation Gap". Most adolecents try to get away with what the can (not really expecting to get it) just to see how far they can go. You set firm limits and back them up if broken.
A list of rules sets limitations on a natural relationship so I wouldn't do that. Sounds better used in a school classroom.
His relationship with his future step father is going to have to be something they work out between the two of them. Sure, there are ball games etc but he will be needed a man to give him guidance if he asks for it. Too many parents hide under the bankets and don't address the problems until they become huge. That is not to say by any means that he should ever use physical,.mental or verbal abuse under any circumstances.
You may get some good advice on The Bump's Blended Families board as well.
Please don't just take your son to therapy so that he can "be fixed." It sounds like you and your entire family could benefit from counseling.
Starting dating in fall 2010 after only separating in May 2010 is not very long. Your son spent his whole life with you and his father as an intact family. He lost a lot in the divorce, and it doesn't sound like he had much time to grieve it before you moved on.
Your BF may live with you and your son but that doesn't mean that your son will (or has to) accept BF as part of your son's family. Your BF should not try to parent your son at all, including "sticking up for you" during fights. If you need back-up, you should speak to your ex-H to ensure that you are providing a united front.
It sounds like your son is generally a good kid. He needs to know that he is your number one priority, no matter what happens with your BF. Blending families is not easy. If your BF cannot deal with an "angsty teen" after learning appropriate communication strategies in therapy, then he doesn't need to be in your life or your son's life.
Sorry that this sounded harsh. I wish you the best.
i'm gonna jump on here. i am also a high school teacher (11 years) and am childfree. i agree with the above.
i agree with other PPs that you seriously jumped into this really quickly. have you considered what that must have been like for your son? teenage brains do not function the way adult brains do. the thought of "mom's boyfriend" moving in after a year of dating and things getting this serious before divorce from your son's father was final...i'm not surprised he's acting out.
like PP said, dial this back. maybe it's time to think about him first. i get that you want to be happy, but your child comes first. and while some "angsty" behavior is normal in a 14-year-old boy, of course some of this is coming from this specific circumstance. i'd be pissed, too.
and let me just say that i realize my response sounded harsh, but as a high school teacher, i see--every day--how kids try to deal with their parents' choices. i know i can't speak from experience since i don't have children, but i believe that once you bring a child into this world, you are supposed to put his or her needs above your own. some of the most troubled and needy kids i deal with on a daily basis are those whose parents simply seek their own happiness to the detriment of their children, thinking that they will be able to bounce back, or deal, or whatever.
i am so tired of this being "normal." kids pay for their parents' selfish choices. big time.
Kaboom. You got divorced and moved in a new man, who now takes your 'side' against your child, to the point that your boyfriend ran away. Seriously, you cannot think this is normal or healthy functioning behavior in a family. Maybe it's time to move the boyfriend out, while you work on getting a normal parenting situation set up with your son. Sorry to be so harsh, but your happiness in getting divorced and getting a new man is not your child's happiness.