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Not sure what to do
I know I am more of a lurker on here...but you ladies do seem to give some great advice. I apologize if this gets long:
I am at a complete loss of how to handle this situation as is my DH who has been my rock and nothing but supportive of me. My twin sister has for the past few years really lost herself and recently it took a turn for the worse. She was dating a guy for almost three years and i watched her slowly crumble into something she is not while she smoked and began doing illegal substances. I tried to warn my parents but they thought i was just being vindictive and they didnt see it so i was being ridiculous. Keep in mind she used to be my best friend and I knew her almost as well as i knew myself.
Alot of messy stuff happened around and during my wedding last august as she was still with her BF. She was high all the time and crying all the time because she wanted to be getting married (which i totally understand). I still dont know how my parents didnt see it. But what hurt me the most is when i asked a different sibling to be my MOH my mother and twin sister literally ambushed me at my home and demanded i ask my twin sister and made me feel horrible and wrong for not asking her.Then the day of my wedding, my sister was so high she missed my entire wedding and reception and my mother insisted I go talk to her in the middle of my reception because she was sad she wasnt getting married.
So almost a year later her and the BF broke up after my sister told them about his drug problems and my parents, and i as well, were hopeful since he was gone she would get better and stop using. She went to counseling and insisted she missed her BF but she was done with him. I reached out because i knew she was hurting despite being really angry with her.
But somehow we found out she was lying and still seeing him and using. And that she stole from me and my parents..and thats when i said i had enough and as much as i want to be there for my sister, I cant be involved anymore until i know she is on the mending path.
Now because of this, my parents are angry with me saying i need to be supportive of her and how I dare i cut myself off. My argument is she hasnt admitted she needs help and is still using, lying and stealing when she can. But basically my parents are saying it will be my fault if she doesnt get better for the lack of support. So i also decided I really dont want to be in touch with my parents right now either if they feel that way. (This also stems from a lot of resentment towards them from previous years and feeling like they choose between us siblings and defend some over others...perfect point would be my wedding MOH drama...as well as them being way too involved or negative about my life).
My mother is now texting begging me to talk to her and playing dumb as to why i am distancing myself.
am i wrong and being "cold hearted" as my mother is saying? I just feel like its all so poisonous...what would you all do?
Re: Not sure what to do
your parents turned a blind eye. now they're essentially enabling her. good for you for being the one who's not giong to be a part of it.
but you didn't help bowing to your mom's wishes regardign your wedding. you allowed your mother to talk you into leaving your reception to talk to someone who was crying because she wasn't getting married?! please. you need to learn to use and stick by the word 'no'.
and you know it's not your fault. it's your sisters and no one elses.
your parents need to get to a support group stat.
Your parents are looking for someone else to blame, so they're dumping their troubles on you. It's easier for them to get mad at you than at your sister, because they know you'll put up with it.
You're not wrong to stay away from that kind of treatment. Either ignore them until they treat you respectfully, or say one time, "Mom, you know I love you, but Sister is destroying herself and I can't stand around and watch while everyone ignores the problem. I'm not going to be blamed for her poor life choices. I'm happy to be supportive to her if she's willing to get the help she needs." Then hang up the phone.
You're not doing anything wrong. Your parents, by enabling her, are the ones who are really hurting your sister.
If you choose to talk to your parents, any time they bring up your sister, say "I'm not going to discuss her with you" and change the subject. If they persist in talking about her, either hang up the phone or leave.
Good luck; I can only imagine how heartbreaking this whole situation is for you.
My DH could have written most of this post. If you ever want to talk just PM me.
I think what you are doing is going to be hard but I believe it is the right thing for you to do.
BIL is a drug addict, there is no girl involved but the lying, stealing and such is all happening. He has stolen from me and DH. MIL has turned a blind eye as well, it has been really hard because like you said it has always been DH's fault that he hasn't helped his brother. DH helped pay for BIL to go rehab twice, after the second time of BIL walking out before he was done DH said walked away.
DH did not ask his brother to be in the wedding party for our wedding last year because he is unreliable and is way to emotional. He did get attacked by both his brother and mom for this, they were also so upset when he asked my brother to be in the wedding party. (My brother and DH are like best friends they do almost everything together, despite the 9 yr aged gap)
Since the day DH and I lived together his brother has not been allowed into our home. MIL has missed some good family events as she will not come to a home her son is not allowed in. We are ok with that.
It has been a very long and hard journey through this. I hope your DH is supportive of you and is helping you get through this. DH has told me he could have never gotten through this without me.
GL, PM me anytime!
It sounds like you're doing the right thing, even though it's hard. I'm sorry.
There's a huge difference between supporting and enabling. i'm not familiar with the various support groups but there is one for family members of alcoholics so there must be one for family members of addicts. (I want to say Al-Anon?)
I think it might be helpful for you if you can find one.
That last sentence is key. You ARE supportive of her, when she is doing the right thing. You are well within your rights to not support someone's drug habit and all the other crap that goes along with that. You can't (and shouldn't) support the bad stuff, but be right there ready to support the good decisions she will hopefully make.
Best of luck to you!
I would strongly encourage you to go to an Al-anon meeting (or similar group for family members of drug users).
You cannot revolve your life around your sister's illness, and it's not fair to you to expect you to do so. Your parents are enabling her bad behavior, but you don't have to. Tell your parents that if they keep pressuring you to be involved with your sister, they won't have a relationship with you.
Firstly, you're definitely not "cold hearted". As much as you love and care about your sister, your mother needs to understand that your sister could easily bring down your entire life if you let her. There has to be a point where you decide that you need to take care of your life and yourself.
Secondly, your sister needs professional help. She needs to get off those toxic substances and get healthy, and it seems as though this boyfriend of hers is what's keeping her on this stuff. Your mother is enabling her by running to her side and expecting you to do the same, but you can't give into that. Your mother needs to know what if she continues to try and help your sister and let her go on like this as if it's okay, then your sister will end up very sick or even dead. I know that's hard to accept, but it's the truth.
What needs to happen is a family intervention with a counselor where your family needs to decide to stop supporting your sister's behavior. This might be the first and only step to getting her clean, but you all need to be in it together. There's probably a lot more going on with her than any of you know and she needs treatment.
I swear I'm not just saying things out of nowhere. I recently just took a Substance Abuse, Addiction, and Intervention class and am getting my Master's in Counseling.
Update for you all: No progress at all on my sisters end...and my parents continue to press that she is doing better therefor enabling her more... The trickle down effect from all of this has really put strain on me and my parents relationship even more.
I dont really want to talk to them...and the more I say I am not ready to work on my relationship with my sister or them until i see some real change, the more my mom is pushing herself on me and my father is saying that there will be consequences for my actions. My mom wont stop saying she loves me (which i know she does) and saying things to guilt me into seeing her or talking to her.
I know it may not be the right thing to do...but i really just dont want to talk or see her right now. This is not something that can be fixed in one conversation or as quickly as she wants it to be. Plus i dont think its a good idea for me to work on our relationship and it all crash and burn again because my mother will continue to defend my sister and force her on us. I want to have a relationship with my family...but not like this. How can I make my mother understand that everything with my sister's problems are not unrelated to my relationship with her?
I don't know that you can make your mother understand. I'm going to quote from the TV show "Intervention" here: "You have to be well whether she's well or not." You have to do what's right for you at this point. As much as it may hurt for you to not have a relationship with your parents or sister, as long as they're enabling and supporting her addiction, there's not much you can do.
Your mom's right- there will be consequences for your actions. Those consequences are that you won't have to sit by and watch as your parents enable your sister. I see on some level why they're doing this- when your child is hurting, you want to fix it. But what they don't understand is that they can't provide her a safety net and expect her to get better.
You are doing the right thing. Don't be pushed into having a relationship that you know is bad for you.