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if you're out there rsanna.. this isnt mean, I promise!
Needless to say I got you your post a little late (and had a long, boring work day so I managed to read all of it!). I will say you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You seem bright, motivated, responsible. Your situation reminds me a lot of me and my fiance when I was at your age... his parents did something similar (albeit not as drastic) to him regarding college money.
Since a lot of folks didn't address the issue in the post, here's my take on it. What they did is crappy. And of course, when someone does something crappy to someone you love, you get pissed. Simple enough. However, this is his battle to fight, not yours. I recommend you support him but let him figure this out for himself.
Now, regarding the marriage, I just want you to consider another perspective that wasn't quite touched on. Again, this isn't mean or judgemental, just something to consider. My fiance and I have been together 8 years, and I knew pretty early on he was "the one." You seem confident that your guy is too. That said, I don't doubt that you can make a marriage work.
When people were saying you're "too young" or "too immature" I think they were having a hard time getting this point across - that there is a lot more to experience as individuals and as a couple. Big, significant life changes that test and challenge you, and ultimately make you stronger together. You made a comment like "I'd rather make a mistake that was my own, then do something other people wanted me to do." That's a good, strong point of view to have. But to use that in reference to a marriage makes me think that you might not understand the magnitude of the commitment you two are making. It's not just a piece of paper, and it does change things - children, in-laws (that you will have a relationship with like it or not), finances, careers, a home to tend to, a mortgage to pay, etc. And it isn't easy to walk away from if, heaven forbid, it doesn't work out.
Me and my guy went through big steps together as a couple, a united front. It wasn't always easy but we learned a lot from each other and ABOUT each other going through it all. We grew together. More than anything it made us stronger and made us confident that we're right for each other and we're going to last. I look back on those times and cherish them - the good times and the bad. I would want you to experience this without the pressure of "Oh my god, we need to make this work now because we're married."
I only suggest you two sit down and talk about whether or not you are really ready for this commitment. If you haven't already, ask each other the right questions i.e. "If I get a great job opportunity in PA but you're still doing grad school in CA, what will we do?"; "Do we want children, how many, how will we raise them?" "How do we mend this relationship with your parents?" There's just a lot to consider, that's all.
Either way, I wish you the best.
Re: if you're out there rsanna.. this isnt mean, I promise!
Thank you for not being mean. Also Kimbus22, I didn't take offense to your post at all.
I would like to say that I know we will change and we have changed, a lot. I mentioned in one of my posts how I was 18 and desperately wanted to go to this big, expensive school halfway across the country. I got in; I even got a scholarship. But it wasn't enough and I could not justify (no matter how much I wanted to) that I could go AT LEAST $160,000 in debt on a college education. Months before I got my acceptance/rejection letter, I had already come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be going there if I didn't get a full scholarship.
My intention with my post had not been to tell my FI what to do, but to get advice that I could pass on to him. This isn't an usual thing. I ask my friends for advice, but in this case I knew they would be biased. I ask my parents for advice and as an almost family unit (my parents, my FI and myself) we have been running out of ideas on getting across our points to his family - specifically his mom.
I know we will change. But I honestly feel like we will, as we have been doing, change together. My FI has become much, much more responsible person and continues to strive for more responsibility. He talked with his mom Wednseday night and they at least started to work things out. Right now, I need my space from his mom, but like I also said until this incident I had been ready to start repairing our relationship.
I understand that marriage is big. It isn't just money that influenced us to pick our date for about 16 months from now. We wanted to wait. We wanted to spend the time and live together, but on the same token it isn't going to fix any problems we may have in our relationship. And if we both weren't certain, we wouldn't take the risk. Because it is a risk. Everything is a risk. I could walk outside and be struck my meteor. Very unlikely, but it could still happen. But yes, it is a risk we are willing to take because we trust each other and love each other and support each other. We won't always agree and that is not the end of the world and we know this. I also know that pressure will always be there. If it isn't marriage, it will be breaking up. Both are strong, even if getting a divorce does have much farther (further? I don't know) reaching consequences and things it can affect.
People may call it dumb, but we have a joint checking and savings account. All of our money for bills goes into there. But we still have our own separate accounts. We have talked about children and neither one of us wants them right now or in the future (as of right now). But I know we can change our minds, someday I may be open to adopting or actually having a baby. I don't know and I am allowed to change my mind. But for now and any immediate future, we don't want kids. I am not even the kind of girl that goes all gaga over babies - give me a cat anyday, much less work. We have talked about getting split by location/job aspects. Someone will have to make a sacrifice. We know this. We have already talked about how if he gets accepted into grad school - and if chose not to go - that I will follow him and try and find a job from there. But he is also looking in the regions we have discussed living in. If we both go to grad school and are accepted but not anywhere near each other, we will have to live apart. It will be hard, but we will do it. Because it will be better for us in the long run.
Yes, perhaps it is because we are young and stupid and think we know everything. But we aren't doubting ourselves or our marriage. We feel like this is the best decision for ourselves and it won't prevent us from getting our degrees or continuing onto to grad school - if that is what we choose. It could be a huge mistake, but many things are and I don't think that should prevent us from living the lives we choose. I hope that doesn't get taken out of context to mean debt, debt, debt because we will just do whatever we want. Because that is not what I mean at all.
Of course we are getting married for love, and I don't know why anyone else would get married (unless it is an arranged marriage). But that doesn't mean we don't care about each other, or support each other, or talk about decisions and what is best for us and each other as individuals. My FI is working out a fast food restaurant 5 miles from where we live, even though there is one much, much closer. Why? Because he likes his job and he knows he wouldn't enjoy it at the other location. Do I think this is a little silly? A bit, but I understand, because I have worked at two different locations in the same fast food chain and I was absolutely miserable in the one. I would get off work and be near tears and become so stressed out by it that I could barely do my homework. If the other location had been in the same city, you bet I would have transfered back to that one faster than you could blink an eye. In fact, I probaby never would have left. If he decides to not continue his education because he enjoys teaching middle school or high school. I won't stop him as long as it is what he enjoys.
My parents are about 50 and they are still changing.
Again thank you for your kindness, concern and respect.
Sure thing rsanna. I don't know why people were being a-holes before. You get a bunch of women on a roll... you see where it goes. Anyway ignore it.
I guess the point I was making is you need to make sure the other one is worth it. At the boyfriend/girlfriend level, you figure out if the other person is worth fighting for, worth making sacrifices for. When I was 20-21, I needed time to figure that out. It sounds like you guys have and that's good. Keep in mind though, this is your time (for both of you) to be selfish, figure out what you want, what you intend to do with your lives. If you wind up on separate paths and one makes the sacrifice to go along with the other, don't let resentment set in. To me, resentment is a relationship killer. You are making a life-long committment to one another, always remember that! And of course, a relationship is a work in progress, it always will be.
Good luck with the in-laws!!! They are tricky, dealing with them is a delicate balance. The best you can do with this situation is support your guy without overstepping boundaries - i.e. Do NOT talk to them about it!!!
Best of luck to you!
I'm in the same boat as you(engaged at 20), and you said everything as eloquently as I've ever seen it said. I have to say, it's weird thinking my FI and I may be living apart after we're married if I don't find a job where he goes to grad school in time. It's not a happy thought, but you do what you have to do and make it work. Good luck with everything!