a lot of money on F&B

MrsJMDC · April 2012

I really got to thinking after the below post about monthly F&B budget. My hubby and I are good with money (meaning i spend and he doesnt ).. We have really been talking about me leaving my job to be a SAHM. I have worked since I was 17 not sure I know how to stay home but I would love to try. After really thinking about it I think I would feel bad spending 40 bucks on foundation or buying a new urban decay set if i didnt have my "own" money.

I guess my question is for those who dont work and love F&B do you feel bad spending "family" money on F&B?? feel free to let me know if I am just crazy for even thinking this

Shell24 · April 2012

I'm a SAHM. I don't use any drugstore products and sometimes I feel bad spending more money on an item when I could get it much cheaper at Walgreens or whatever, but my DH makes enough money that I don't have to worry about it. Also, I don't do my makeup every day (most days just tinted moisturizer and a little concealer) so I don't have to buy that often.

I have had to adjust my clothing purchases a bit, but I used to spend a LOT of money on clothes and bags on a frequent basis. In my early twenties, not saving anything was one thing, but as I got older, I would have had to curb my spending working or not.

I think the only way I would feel guilty about spending the money is if we didn't have it, it was putting us in debt or kept us from our savings goals. Otherwise, have at it!

anna7602 · April 2012

I'm still working, but because of our current visa situation, I can't bill for my work until we're back in the U.S. So, essentially, any money I spend right now comes either from savings or DH's job.

I felt a little bad at the beginning when I was spending $ money on anything exclusively for myself. Then I got in a bind where I only had 1 day between out-of-town guests and a heck of a lot of stuff to be done and had to hire a cleaning lady to come help me get everything in order. The amount we paid her for that one day was astounding, and she didn't do a whole lot more than I do many days keeping our family together in a foreign country.

So, this might be flameful, but my attitude now is that if DH had to hire someone to do everything I do on a daily basis, it would cost him way more than what I spend here and there on nice make up or hair products. The cost of child care alone (which we did pay for back in NYC before moving) is way more than I would ever spend on myself and is money we're still able to save every month.

If we were in a situation where our budget was really tight because of my not working, I might feel differently.

karebear304 · April 2012

I cant' say how I will feel b/c we don't have kids yet for me to be a SAHM, but that's the plan for us (hopefully soon). I don't think I'll feel guilty about it because it's a decision we've come to together. In fact my H was more on the SAHM bandwagon than I was at the beginning.

If his salary didn't cover us and we were scraping by on ramen noodles and beans, I'm sure I'd feel weird about going to Sephora and dropping $20 on an eyeshadow, but as long as our lifestyle remains about the same I think it will be fine. I'm sure a lot of my "random" spending will be curbed anyway since I won't need all the extra clothes and things for work and I don't drop a lot on beauty products anyway.

At least, this is how it plays out in my mind. Guess we'll see!

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz · April 2012

I get your concern. I've been SAH for 4 years, after nearly 10 yrs of working full-time. At first, for at least a year or two, yes, I felt weird and bad about money and I was constantly running things past DH. I've finally internalized what he's comfortable with. He actually encourages the F&B purchases because he likes to make me happy and he loves the style upgrade I've undergone in the past year. Last summer everything was frumpy and dumpy and I wore the same sad looking sandals every day, and usually skipped makeup. Now I put effort into it every day, wear nice clothes (even though they get dirty with two little boys...I can't re-wear anything without washing!). Even if no adults see me but DH and preschool teachers, I feel better and I know he likes the new me (but never disparaged the old one).

Bottom line, I've gotten over the icky notion of "his money." it's our money, and I finally feel comfortable spending it.

TexasSmith · April 2012

I am a SAHM, and while we are currently very frugal (I SAH and DH is a full-time PhD student), I don't feel bad spending money on myself now and then (I went wild and crazy and spent $20 on 2 shirts at the mall last night, lol).

We do not have any separate bank accounts though...all money goes in to one place and it is our money, regardless of who actually earned it.

ToBeMrsT · April 2012

I don't feel bad. I work hard taking care of both kids. I'm a parent, but it's also a job that starts as soon as the kids get up and doesn't end until they go to bed.

All of our money is combined and I don't see it as my husband's money or anything like that, it's our money.

SA7206 · April 2012

I'm glad you posted this because this is also a major concern of mine as well. I've always had my own money since HS, so I think I'd have a hard time adjusting. That being said H and I discussed this. With the way we currently do finances, we each put half of our take home pay in a joint account and half of our take home pay in our personal accounts. Our joint account pays for the rent, utilities, car, etc. However, we do have joint expenses that come out of our personal accounts. This has been working well for us for years. So long as we're not each blowing all of our money, we're saving, and we have the money to buy things, we don't care what the other gets (I have to say that I'm more of a spender than H). So if I were to stop working, H would give me X amount of money. With that money I can do what I please and I don't need to run things by it. It's the latter part that I was most uncomfortable about.

soontobeahigh · April 2012

Yes, I do feel bad spending the money, so I usually very rarely spend it on myself.

My husband gives me an alloted amount of money every 2 weeks and it is the money to buy groceries, gas and things for the house and clothes for myself and the kids. Its also our fun money, it goes very quickly!

I went to Ulta this weekend and bought some perfume and some body wash and I was having buyers remorse almost immediately lol.

hz80408 · April 2012

I think I totally missed the $$ post; which is it?

We don't have kids yet, but Anna has a good point about the cost of childcare. We've already discussed the possibility of H working part-time from home to be a SAHD b/c at this point, his salary isn't much more than the cost of child care here in Chicago. I think since the decision is a joint decision for someone to be a SAHP that both have to agree that it's okay to still shop, as long as it's within their means.

~NB~ · April 2012

I don't think of it as my money or his money; it's all OUR money. It doesn't matter if one person stays home. It also doesn't matter if a purchase can't be used equally by both people: for example, I use "our" money to by a bra that only *I* will use. That doesn't mean it is a frivolous purchase.

There will probably always be a debate about this. I think it's common for husbands to gripe about shoes and makeup, and wives to gripe about... I don't know, video games? The point is, men buy stuff for themselves too and it comes from a communal budget. Clothes and makeup are pretty basic things. I don't classify either as luxuries, but other families may be different. This brings to mind another example: I read a thread in which people were describing a pedicure as an indulgence or a reward for weight loss... to me, a pedicure falls under routine maintenance....

It all depends on your budget.

hz80408 · April 2012

~NB~:

I don't think of it as my money or his money; it's all OUR money. It doesn't matter if one person stays home. It also doesn't matter if a purchase can't be used equally by both people: for example, I use "our" money to by a bra that only *I* will use. That doesn't mean it is a frivolous purchase.

There will probably always be a debate about this. I think it's common for husbands to gripe about shoes and makeup, and wives to gripe about... I don't know, video games? The point is, men buy stuff for themselves too and it comes from a communal budget. Clothes and makeup are pretty basic things. I don't classify either as luxuries, but other families may be different. This brings to mind another example: I read a thread in which people were describing a pedicure as an indulgence or a reward for weight loss... to me, a pedicure falls under routine maintenance....

It all depends on your budget.

Completely agree; on any given money I would guess that H spends more on beer and brewing supplies than I spend on F&B; which is fine, it's just where he prefers to spend his fun money.

smallysmallz04 · April 2012

~NB~:

I don't think of it as my money or his money; it's all OUR money. It doesn't matter if one person stays home. It also doesn't matter if a purchase can't be used equally by both people: for example, I use "our" money to by a bra that only *I* will use. That doesn't mean it is a frivolous purchase.

There will probably always be a debate about this. I think it's common for husbands to gripe about shoes and makeup, and wives to gripe about... I don't know, video games? The point is, men buy stuff for themselves too and it comes from a communal budget. Clothes and makeup are pretty basic things. I don't classify either as luxuries, but other families may be different. This brings to mind another example: I read a thread in which people were describing a pedicure as an indulgence or a reward for weight loss... to me, a pedicure falls under routine maintenance....

It all depends on your budget.

I agree 100% with in regard to the money being our money. Once you become a SAHM then the money should be looked at jointly. If not your never going to have any money. I always talk to DH about purchases over $100, just so he knows where the money is going.

lindsaymariegs · April 2012

~NB~:
I don't think of it as my money or his money; it's all OUR money. It doesn't matter if one person stays home. It also doesn't matter if a purchase can't be used equally by both people: for example, I use "our" money to by a bra that only *I* will use. That doesn't mean it is a frivolous purchase.

There will probably always be a debate about this. I think it's common for husbands to gripe about shoes and makeup, and wives to gripe about... I don't know, video games? The point is, men buy stuff for themselves too and it comes from a communal budget. Clothes and makeup are pretty basic things. I don't classify either as luxuries, but other families may be different. This brings to mind another example: I read a thread in which people were describing a pedicure as an indulgence or a reward for weight loss... to me, a pedicure falls under routine maintenance....

It all depends on your budget.

I agree, my hair cut and color, an occasional pedicure, makeup, and clothes are routine costs. My splurges are clothes, but it is easy for me to tell the splurges from the normal routine budgeted items. I work-- if I don't have pull off a polished look, I am not being professional.

If I was a SAHM, which I sometimes consider but then realize it isn't meant for me, I would still buy nice things and want to feel "put together" the way I do on the weekends with my son. Nice shorts, a sundress, cute sandals, riding boots, skinny jeans, and knit tops. I used to not put a lot of effort into my wardrobe, and my husband really likes that I do now. If we as a couple made that decision, I wouldn't feel badly spending the money and it would be discussed and agreed upon before I accepted. Just because I would stay at home wouldn't mean I want to magically change into a frump mom (you all know the type...) who never wear anything but yoga pants and running shoes.

All-His · April 2012

I actually do feel a little bad spending money on splurges for myself (I am a SAHM), but that is just bc I'm kind of frugal by nature. Thankfully dh makes enough for it not to be a big deal, and hes a spender himself, so it's really not an issue in the marriage at all, just in my mind.

rvandiver0705 · April 2012

I have always spent a pretty penny on beauty products and maintenance, and SAH didn't stop that. I have stopped spending as much as I did when I worked because I don't get gussied up when we are staying at home all day. I also don't buy as many expensive clothes because my body keeps changing (pregnancy, nursing, weight loss, etc.)

When we were waiting on our condo to sell (after moving cross country), I stopped getting my hair and nails done, but now that it has I'm making time for those things again. We definitely have the money, so I don't feel guilty. My husband would rather me feel good about myself than save a few thousand dollars a year.

mavjen · April 2012

Short answer: no I don't feel badly. I am a SAHW and while we don't have a set budget, I spend when I need or want something F&B. Knock on wood, we are strong financially and we are both responsible fiscally. I add value just like MH does to our marriage. MH is never home during the work weeks so I run 2 households. I'm big into cost recovery management, I save or reclaim a lot of money every year for us. My former professional background comes in very handy (tax attorney for roughly 15 years) at times. Plus we both got married later in life, and I earned, invested, etc. a considerable amount when I was single, so a lot of the funds are directly attributable to me, but we have pooled everything together since we got married.

But even if I didn't do any of these things, who cares? It doesn't affect my marriage in any detrimental manner and it sure as hell doesn't affect anyone else outside the marriage.

eaglesfan700 · April 2012

I don't feel bad - H and I both look at it as "our money". I handle all the finances, so H kind of comes to me for money

askmetostay · April 2012

we don't have kids yet, and i work part-time at a restaurant 3 afternoons a week. in january, DH sat down and looked at our budget, and figured out how much we were spending on extra stuff a month. now, we each get $150 a month to spend on whatever we want, whenever we want. the rest of our paychecks go towards bills, and building up savings so we can have a kid in the next few years.

it works for us so far, and makes it so no one feels guilty about spending the other's money.

SailorGray · April 2012

I just became a SAHM a month ago. My 1st day as a SAHM was my H's 1st day at his new job. He has a great salary, but we are both being a little thrifty until we are used to the situation. Like a pp said about herself, I am also thrifty by nature. I have always shopped at Goodwill and when I get a nice bag, it is usually as a gift or with birthday/Christmas money and is bought at The Rack or an outlet. My makeup has always been from the drugstore. I did buy the UD eyeshadow thing and still feel kinda bad, esp. since I never use it.

Of course, our money is both of ours, but I would not feel right paying a lot of money for something that I really don't need or that the whole family could use. I am perfectly fine with designer jeans from Goodwill : )

skyllingstadl · April 2012

I am a SAHM and my DH actually encourages me to buy more things and treat myself more often than I do....granted, it may be because then he wont feel guilty indulging himself but thats a whole different story ;-) I definitely do view DH's salary as "his money", the same way he doesnt view the expansive investments I brought to our marriage as "my money". It is ours, I budget losely (meaning I keep an eye on how much we are spending on extras and cut back when needed, I meal plan and coupon, do second-hand clothes for the kids and myself sometimes, etc.) Honestly, DH doesnt make a ton of money and we have a special needs child who has very large medical expenses (usually about 20-25% of DH's entire income) so we definitely have to be stingy in some areas.

But we both realize that if I never treat myself to anything I go crazy-- having a stressful daily life with my kids means I need to have a release every now and then. What works for us is that we both agree that if either of us is going to make a purchase over $70 we need it okay'd by the other person (this doesnt include bills, groceries, etc.) So if he has a tool he wants I need to okay it same as he had to okay my Naked 2 Palate and Zoya nail polish last week haha I do view things like mani/pedi's, massages, hair color (my hair stylist is a friend who only charges me $15 for a cut so that is a necessity), etc. is a treat and a luxury. I always try and find my clothes second hand before going to bigger retail stores and as it is I mainly shop at Target, T.J. Maxx, etc. I think you just have to find what you are both comfortable with and definitely scrap any mindset of "his" or "mine" for an "ours" mentality.

Otterama · April 2012

I'm a SAHW, but I have a little side job that brings me in about $100 a week...that's my extra fun money.

ape · April 2012

I work full-time. I was a stay-at-home mom. FYI...

YOU ARE WORKING!!!

Your hubby is bringing in family money unless you are babysitting his kids. It's probably hard to get used to, but you are working and as long as it doesn't hinder family spending/saving goals, more power to you and your F&B purchases...imo...

a lot of money on F&B

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