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Board Introduction - long
Hi... I was a regular on Money Matters. I still consider it my home board. However I'm surprised I never knew this board was here and I could use your support.
Short back story - exH was abusive (physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc.). I finally left after he cheated and tried to rip the surgical drain out of my side after I found out and confronted him. I've been in and am still in counselling. I'm still working out the fundamental underlying issues in someways, which sucks after years in between, which has meant dealing with my family being emotionally and psychologically abusive. (Quick example of screwed up baseline - I was 8 years old and fell off my aunts 6 ft tall deck because it didn't have a railing installed yet. My parents response was to yell at me for being careless and telling me to shake it off - no crying- there was no compassion and I treated as if I had no value other than the work I did.)
Anyway, I've had one real relationship since then. It was great and healthy but it didn't work out. I still care about him but it wouldn't have worked long term without changes that aren't going to happen. We try to stay friends because he's a good person, but it's tough at times when we both admit the other was the best relationship we've ever had but that it won't work.
Since that relationship ended, I haven't dated much. I can't seem to get past a second date. There are a variety of reasons - the guy tries to jump ahead and rush things (ex wants physical things before we know each other or gets pissed when I won't drop my other plans or respond to a text when they know I'm busy with other plans), there's just no chemistry, they show some value/lack of value/or trait that I don't want to deal with (lacks a social conscience, drinks way too much, makes rash life and financial decisions without thinking about the consequences). Anyway the list goes on, and in someway I think I must be lucky because I'm not wasting my time, but I don't feel like I'm meeting anyone of quality.
I had one guy tell me I have too much baggage and I just need to let it go before anyone will want to have a relationship with me. FWIW he knew about the past from a mutual friend, I never brought it up. But I don't like to talk about it, and wasn't exactly happy when he brought it up.
So I guess my questions are: Where do you meet quality people? How do you deal with and discuss a painful past without lying but without coming off as having baggage? (Typically I'd wait to have the conversation but what if it is brought up on a first/second date?) How do you keep dating from feeling like a chore when you haven't had a good date in over a year? How much hope should I hold out that I will enjoy dating again or that I will find a real fulfilling mutual relationship again? Should I just get used to the idea that I have a great fulfilling life (soccer, dance, volunteering, career, friends, etc.) and that romanace may not be part of my life?
Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Re: Board Introduction - long
Thank you for the welcome.
I'm 29.
My counselor and I haven't had this entire conversation yet. She says things with my ex bf now friend are how things are supposed to be with a healthy relationship when it doesn't work out (obviously new to me give the stuff with the exH). Some of the dating stuff with not getting past second dates has been discussed and basically she said it was good because I was listening to what was right for me and that it takes a while to meet the right one. The other has mostly happened since the last meeting. Anyway we have been mostly focus on my relationship with my family and making it safe and healthy for me to interact with them within certain limits and helping me set and maintain those limits.
Welcome to the board!
First of all, I don't think that you will NEVER have romance or a fullfilling relationship in your life again. But, it does sound like you are a little burnt out by dating. And if you are burnt out, this may affect how you are coming across to men.
It also sounds like you are still working on things in therapy. Maybe taking some extra time to work on yourself (as opposed to dating) might be beneficial in the long run. Also, it sounds like you have a great social/work life. Why not just enjoy it for now? If you feel like you want to spice things up a bit, I agree with PP about meetup. Or, take a new class or learn a new hobby.
As for your other questions. I think different people will give you a million different answers as to where to meet "quality" people. I met my BF through match. A girlfriend met her BF through a friend. Another friend met her BF though a running club. I think the possibilities are endless. The only place I might NOT suggest would be a bar lol. I think when you do meet a quality person, you will know when and how to open up about your past. Because that person will make you feel at ease discussing it. We all have baggage, but it is how much you let it affect you and what you do to deal with it.
Hope this was helpful a bit and that you stick around. This is a great board!
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Hi... Welcome to the board!
I think that when dating becomes a chore it's time to stop and let it be. You will meet someone when you are just enjoying life and not trying so hard.
How long were you single between your divorce and your relationship? How long was your relationship?
I have only dated casually since I left my ex two years ago and it's probably going to be another year before I want to date seriously. I am just not ready. I had a traumatic end to my marriage and I don't want to bring baggage to the relationship. Being single is fun... you can do whatever you want!
I think I remember you are an accountant? I am in tax myself!
Hey Explorer! I remember you from MM and when I went through my divorce a few years ago. You were so supportive and helpful!
Sorry you are having a tough time. I think the other ladies gave some good advice, so I am not going to add much. But I just wanted to say welcome
(p.s. - my screen name was ak071401 when I was going through the divorce and I had a pic in my siggy with me and ds wearing our baseball caps)
Let's see if I can answer all of these.
I have about a dozen hobbies. Monday's I do training runs with one of my friends and I am teaching her how to play soccer. I have swing dance class on Tuesdays. Wednesday is yoga class or lectures at the art museum. Thursdays I volunteer with the local domestic violence shelter (it is theraputic and let's me turn the horror I went through into something where I can make good from the bad). Friday and Saturday are usually dinner with friends or going out to see a band, something fun and social. Sunday is usually my coed soccer league.
A lot of this was on hold when I broke me ankle, and of course tax season. Yes I'm an accountant. But it's getting rolling again. My ankle is about 95% now and still healing. Tax season is over.
I also have a good friend helping me shop for a violin so that I can finally learn since I've wanted to since 4th grade.
AK - great to hear from you. Hugs. Of course I remember you.
Bones- You've got e-mail.
Hi Explorer! I remember you from MM.
I didn't have an abusive relationship, and still have a lot of these problems! It IS tough to meet quality people, and I know I'm quick to dismiss potential dates. I go back and forth between thinking I'm too picky, and thinking, no, I settled before and look where that got me!
I keep dating from feeling like a chore by doing it rarely. I have in the past pushed myself to go on more dates but hated it, so I do it pretty infrequently.
When you say the past comes up, in what way? I mean surely, no one says "hey, were you in an abusive relationship?". So do you mean when people ask about your divorce? I'd just come up with an off-hand, low-emotion response you can give, even a joke. Its really none of their business at that point!! Even just "oh gosh, now there's a fun topic!" said sarcastically then something like "I've been divorced for x time now and really would love to talk more about the present than my old failed marriage!" (said in a very positive way).
I get pretty tired of people asking about my divorce too, as part of some date interrogation. I've been divorced for over 4 years. Its really not all that relevant to me anymore, in a lot of ways. At least, not in first date ways!
Your comment on MM the other day was what made me realize this board was here. I completely agree about the former marriage and divorce being basically irrelevant to my life now. The only real connection is my passion for volunteer at the local domestic violence shelter. And you are right about finding a better not emotionally charged response to the divorce being years ago. In some ways it feels like another life time. The one guy just set me off because he invoked my ex by name and brought it up repeatedly from a "other people said" perspective. Anyway normally I can talk around it just fine, but it's definitely something to work on.
I'm taking a dating break now anyway. I am enjoying catching up with my friends post tax season.
Ohmygosh what!? He talked about your ex by name and kept bringing up what other people had said?? Was this a first date? What??
He sounds like an annoying, insensitive jerk. How good of him to show that off early on!