Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re-opening communication
We have a new baby. We're tired and cranky. DH is a SAHD, so he feels under appreciated. I don't get naps, so I feel pissy.
Naturally, we have been short one too many times towards each other, and it seems as though our line of communication has fractured. We don't really have anything to fight about besides the logisitcal difficulties of our day-to-day, but I just don't enjoy our mediocre coexistence (I might even call it cosurvival) at this point.
So, any pointers on how to repair this crappy pattern? I'm not sure if some sort of grand gesture to re-spark the warmandfuzzies would be appropriate or effective. I might just be too tired to think, though. 
Re: Re-opening communication
Are your current roles more out of necessity, or are they of your choosing?
What are the biggest logistical difficulties of day-to-day that keep coming up over and over? Name the top three headaches for each or both of you.
If I had to I'd guess you're both feeling very under-appreciated for what you're pouring into your situation, and that is indeed a challenging pattern to break when there is realisitcally no reprieve in sight until your kids are a little older. You both have to really, really want to.
Well, bearing in mind I only have ONE kid, I suggest you sit down and talk about those three things and try to agree on how to change your tactics about them so you're both feeling less stressed and more appreciated.
For example, decide to prioritize sleep. That means if YOU expect to be up for an hour or two with the babe overnight and still go to work the next day, YOU must go to bed an hour or two early. If H will be up an hour or two with the babe overnight, HE gets to nap the next day and prioritize that activity over other household tasks.
Given that everyone's priority #1 is (or should be, IMO) sleep, keeping the house un-messy will just have to get demoted until everyone is better-rested. If you can't afford some outside help to keep things clean(er), then just accept some mess for the time being. The world won't end.
As for not enough time, my only suggestion is to try to do less. It's not forever, just until the kids are a little older and more self-sufficient. Outside hobbies, interests, etc. may just have to wait a year or two. Each of you pick one thing as your "sanity thing" (reading, watching a TV show, surfing the internet) and reserve 20 minutes a day to yourself and by yourself for that thing, that both of you are also willing to give to make the other happy.
Finally, just commit to being kinder to and more understanding of yourselves, and then by extension each other. What you're doing is hard. It's hard for everyone. It's not easy for anyone. But it's not forever. Try to find things to praise genuinely and show appreciation for in the other person, and ask for the same in return. Smile and hug more. Try to laugh more at annoying shiiit.
This is seriously FANTASTIC advice that I wish someone had given me after the birth of our second child. Start the ball rolling now to get that communication back, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. You don't want to go too far down the road of just co-existing.... sometimes you can't come back.
Good luck!!
I only have one, and this is my first rodeo--
but Fuss gave you great advice. I will give a big DITTO to that.
Also, big hugs. I know its hard!
It's hard to get out of survival mode and back into a more normal and happy existence. Both parents need to really want to put in that extra time and effort. Good luck!
H and I had to sit down and create a new (and simplier) budget that required less maintenance on our part. We also sat down and created a chore chart. As for time... I wish Fuss had been here with the time advice she gave a year ago. I have only just realized I have way too much on my plate when it comes to hobbies and commitments.