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Premarital / Lack of Romance Advice
I am going to try and make this as short as possible.
My fiance and I have been together for three years. We moved off of our school's campus two years ago (I am 22 and he will be 24 in a few months) and moved into my parent's house. We are currently engaged and have a wedding date of June 5, 2014.
Here is my problem: There is no romance in the relationship. Before I move on, let me just say that this is totally my fault. I am never turned on and never want to have sex with him. It has to be one of these reasons:
1. I have a history of very painful sex due to vaginismus so it is possible that my body associates him with the pain so I cannot get turned on.
2. We live in my parent's house which may also be a subconscious reason why I do not want to have sex.
3. We spend too much time together so not ever having to miss each other takes away the spark.
4. I am just not sexually attracted to him.
My fiance treats me better than I could ever ask for. He does everything that I need him to and I could not ask for a better man in my life. His family is very loving and they are always there for me even when my own family is not. I do not want to break it off with him just because of sex and lose everything that I have and regret it. But I am also so scared to get married and never have the romance aspect of it.
I sought out the advice of a very close friend who I knew would not repeat this information and she thought it was because we live with my parents. She suggested that we take little day trips here and there and try to add fun to our lives (which is hard to do since we are saving every bit we can to move out).
What do you guys think? Has anyone experienced this or have any advice on how to rekindle the spark?
Re: Premarital / Lack of Romance Advice
Have you ever been sexually attracted to him? My opinion, I cannot imagine my marriage without sex. Seriously. Otherwise we are just best friends and exceptionally good roommates.
As for the lack of romance, I know a lot of people, including myself, that get wrapped up in life and how crazy busy it can be and sometimes neglect their H or W. Take some time to figure out what each of you needs to feel romanced and loved, and work on doing those things daily.
Also, possibly consider going to counseling for the sex thing. Its a biggie IMO
I was in a passionless relationship for 16 YEARS!!! I stayed in it because I loved my partner - we had a very loving, supportive, committed relationship, and always enjoyed each other's company, but I never felt the sexual spark. I can tell you, now that I'm in a relationship with a very deep sexual attraction - and also now that I'm middle aged - that I made a HUGE mistake in staying with someone so long when there was no sexual attraction!!!
I don't want to tell you what YOU should do, because you are not me... but I spent over a decade convincing myself sex wasn't that important, and that it was okay to kill the sexual side of myself in order to have a very stable, very loving relationship, and now I REGRET IT!! Only now I'm about to turn 45, and... well, I still feel like I have lots of time for good sex in my future, but I regret I didn't also spend those 16 years having great sex.
I've been with my current BF for about 2 years - we spend every single waking moment with each other, and I am still totally hot for him. We spent weeks with his parents on vacation, and had sex in the shower just about every day. So I am totally not buying that these are reasons to no longer be attracted to each other.
I want to be sympathetic to your current situation, though. I can't imagine what it must be like to have second thoughts about a wedding that's already scheduled. If I were you, I'd be thinking about the deep hurt I'd cause my fiance by breaking it off, the disappointment to family, etc.. I get all that. But is it worth trading your happiness for??? People will get over the disappointment. And you're not doing your BF any favors in condemning him to a sexless marriage!! I have guilt over leaving my former partner, but I take comfort in knowing my partner is finally having great sex for once... If you love your fiance, think about his future too (which it sounds like you're doing - I don't mean to say you're not). The fallout from calling off the wedding will be nothing compared to the destruction you'll do to yourself and your fiance by going through with this.
Melloch - Yes, I was once sexually attracted to him. We used to all the time when we lived on campus at school. When we moved home I was diagnosed with vaginismus and sex was very painful so I just stopped trying. (I went to physical therapy and had doctor appointments, none of which worked) There was once a spark so it is not like there never was and I'm just in this relationship.
Asp - I am so sorry that that happened to you! My fiance and I have been discussing this situation so it is not like he is not aware of it. We really want to work hard to rekindle that spark before we get married and I am really hoping we can do it.
1.) Move out of your parents' house.
2.) See if your sex life returns.
3.) If in 6 months you still don't feel excited by him, cancel the wedding.
We had another talk about it this morning and here is our plan:
We are going to try and start going on little day trips on the weekends as well as trying to do things that we used to do when we first started dating.
We are going to try and move out of my parent's house to see if that is the root cause of this problem.
If we try everything and all else fails, we know that the brutal truth would be that we call it off and reimburse his parents for the venue deposit.
We both agreed to try everything we can to rekindle the spark (since it was once there) in hopes that it doesn't come down to a break up.
Also, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give me advice on this!
I was married to someone I was not sexually attracted to and hated kissing. I thought it was me and also thought their was pain but really, it was all in my head.
Thank goodness you are not married yet. It is not fair to him or yourself. He deserves to enjoy having sex with his future wife and you deserve to feel passion within your relationship with this guy or whomever you end up with. This is not going to turn out good...I was so blind to it and made every excuse in the book.
I am now with a man I am soooo attracted to and he can hardly keep me off of him! It feels nice to have a passionate kiss and enjoy having sex with him.
I agree with pp. Move out of your parents house, see if the spark rekindles, if not - don't marry him to "not hurt his feelings". Been there, we are divorced, and our friendship is forever ruined when I should have nipped things in the bud a long time ago and remained friends. ALL of our arguments were over me not giving it up to him or kissing him...so I blamed me.
GL and I hope things work out!
Just not sexually attracted to him?
No amount of therapy, meds, counseling or working out/manscaping/snazzy sharp clothes will fix that.
You either got it or you don't. You are attracted to him or you are not. (I don't think you ever were; sure you were *into sex* wiuth him -- this is college, this is wild times and this is forbidden fruit -- so you thought your sex life was hot and heavy)
I very stongly suggest you put the wedding on hold -- put yourself FIRST.
You are only 22 years of age; this was your first serious boyfriend and I guarantee you you'll meet somebody else.
If sex is important to you, do not marry this guy. Ever watch Sex and The City? Remember what happened to Charlotte and Trey? Fiction, yes, but it proves that once you marry somebody where ther is a very significant problem, your problem becomes permanent when you say I Do.
I am willing to bet the vaginisimus is psychological: you're not into this guy physically and this is your psyche's way of saying "UGH....not this guy and not again...."
It is never a good idea to live with a relative. Period. WOW.... when you find another guy, ensure that he is somebody self sufficient who lives on his own who is able to take care of himself financially AND be able to support a wife as well..
My guess is also that in addition to you not being physically attracted to him, this relationship is over:
Melloch - Yes, I was once sexually attracted to him. We used to all the time when we lived on campus at school. When we moved home I was diagnosed with vaginismus and sex was very painful so I just stopped trying. (I went to physical therapy and had doctor appointments, none of which worked) There was once a spark so it is not like there never was and I'm just in this relationship.
You and he should be growing closer together, not growing further apart, which is what is happening here. If you care about yourself and sex is important to you, don't marry this guy.
Do not confuse sex and romance. Romance, and passion, waxes and wanes and when you've been together for a very very long time, don't expect to see him leaving you little notes and bringing you flowers every week and expect to see him remember your date-a-versary or your this or your that.
Sex is important in a marriage. Picture 50 years married to a guy where there is either no sex, intermittent sex or sex with a partner that does not turn you on. Is this what you want?
Hi,
I am new to this site, but i had a common issue. My now husband and I dated from High School and got married senior year of college. I love him so much, and cannot imagine my life without him. For a long time through our engagement and dating we lost the romance and attraction. Attraction grows, we are definitely in a good place now. We broke up during the time we dated because I wanted that passion and romance that fizzled with us. I found it with another guy, but it was the idea of someone new, the whole beginning with someone how its all exciting etc. but i realized this new guys is not someone i can see being the father of my children or being there for me as much as my husband would be. Yes the passion was great, but it fizzles. I do not regret my decision at all to marry my husband he is an amazing person and I am so happy. We discussed that we need the romance back, and he agreed. We go away to AC some weekends he brings home flowers or my favorite chocolate. for my birthday he ordered me a card that was about 4 feet high and 3 feet wide. it was so cute! I do things for him as well. He complains that our sex life is dull so i try to spice it up! Another thing was my birth control I was taking at the time really limited my drive which really affected us. I wish you luck on your decision! Marriage is the long hall, you need to work on the romance with whomever you end up with. Few people have it consistent but mostly people need to work on it.
Aside from the sex, I am so happy with him.
The 2 operative words that are key are "aside from."
So you're going to try to work this out --- consider, too, that this relationship may simply be over; sh!tty, but it happens. Are you and he getting married because "gee, isn't that what comes next"?
Again, if sex is important to you, DO NOT marry this person.
Sex, money and religion are the 3 biggies that couples will argue over -- and the arguments can indeed turn into major battles.
Are you on any long term medications that could cause a decrease in your sex drive? It doesnt have to just be birth control, some anxiety and depression medications cause it, as well as some other things.
Have you talked to a dr about it? It's a little awkward but they may have some suggestions and tell you if it is related to your other medical issues you may have.
I just think if it was there it could be there again. I hope it works out for you!
And you need to do things on your own --- what about a hobby or a sport or volunteeering your time? Join a pre-professional organization, a political group or do something with kids? Schools always need volunteers for after school programs.
I had a friend go through this exact situation. Initially, the guy lived in his own apartment and his girlfriend lived with her parents. Then the guy's roommate moved out and the girlfriend didn't want to move in and share the rent. The couple moved in with her parents so they could save up for a house. Their sex life tanked while living with her parents, but the guy was hopeful that when they were living in a house of their own, it would return.
It never did. The guy was miserable, but hoped things would change. He got sick, she was *very* unsupportive. Even as he was dying, he was thinking of how to divorce her.
Sex in a relationship connects two people. It is important - very important.
We are either going to move out and see how that goes or I am going to move out on my own. If I do so, he will come visit me and it will be like when we first started dating. Even if we move out together we will still start spending time apart. Spending as much time as we do together cannot be healthy.We both feel that we spend too much time together and that is part of the cause (in addition to living with my parents). To the person who suggested I go volunteer at an after school program, I am actually a program director at an after school program. He works for the same organization so seriously, we see a lot of each other. He plans to go to graduate school for accounting so eventually we won't be working for the same company anymore. We also agreed to start doing more things on our own (going to friends' house more often, putting aside time for individual hobbies, etc).
Thank you to everyone who has given me advice. I have been reading every bit of it and thinking things through. I am optimistic about this and know that we will find our way back to the passion that we used to have. I do not want to give up without trying every possible solution. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out but at least I will know that I tried. It is going to take a lot of work, but what relationship doesn't?