Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Dating a guy with a best female friend?
I know I shouldn't care about this, logically. I have lots of male friends, more so than female. But this chick is like a "pseudo sister" as he described her. We've been dating for about a month, I haven't met her yet. We had tentative plans for Friday because he might have to give her a ride to the hospital for a medical procedure she has to have. Turns out he is taking her that night, but we made plans for tommorrow night instead. Let me say, I am NOT jealous. I understand friendship, it just makes me wonder if I would be comfortable with this if this becomes a long term thing. Thoughts?
Re: Dating a guy with a best female friend?
My bf is still good friends with his ex from college. They tried dating again as adults and it didn't work out. But they talked regularly and when she needed attention from a guy, she'd call him whining (i.e. -- needed help with a computer thing, needed someone to meet her new dog, just missed him). I am fine with him having female friends ... he has two that he calls "back up date #2 and #3 for when I can't go someplace with him and it doesn't bother me in the least). But the way his "really good friend, ex girlfriend" expected him to drop everything when she needed him drove me nuts. And he is too nice of a person to say no. So finally, I spoke up and told him that it bothered me. I was calm about it and told him my perspective. When he looked at it differently, he said he could see why it was weird to me. So he suggested we all meet. We had lunch. At lunch, he told her we were moving in together. That was in October. She hasn't contacted him since. He even sent her a happy new year text and she didn't respond. I think seeing us together made her realize that he was actually, really off the market and could no longer be her "fallback" -- which is how she treated him.
All that to say, trust your gut. If you are uncomfortable, be honest with him (but don't be whiny ... stick to the facts). If you meet the girl and all is on the up and up, it shouldn't be a big deal.
I say trust your gut. My ex-boyfriend has a best female friend. She lived in NY so we never met, but we did talk regularly actually. She was really nice and very protective of him (I was his first girlfriend).
Now, my ex-husband's female friends were a different story. Looking back, I think it is about how the guy acts towards her.
As someone else said, trust your gut, all situations are different.
My H had a best female friend throughout college and a little after. She's great, I never got any weird vibes from her and was always completely comfortable. Naturally they distanced a bit due to many factors: location distance, she got married, we got serious, she started an intense career path, DH was working, etc. but we have seen her a couple times and will see her this summer and I'm really excited about it; she's a lot of fun.
There was another lady friend DH had since high school when we first met who I was not comfortable with and he cut ties with her (I never "told" him to, he offered it b/c he knew it wasn't a good idea to keep). I actually never met her but she would call/text him at the end of the night, early morning hours, once a month or so and she just seemed really trashy in things she'd say. They never had any sort of relationship, physically or otherwise, but DH (then bf) was honest with the situation looking back at things she'd done and realized that maybe she wanted more and either way, she wasn't a personality we wanted in our relationship.
All in all, reserve any feelings towards this friendship until you meet or or interact at some level. She could be salt of the earth, a great woman who YOU become best friends with as well. Once you meet her you can go from there.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
This topic comes up a lot on the boards and the best advice I've taken away from it is that friends of the opposite sex should be a "friend of the relationship", meaning as long as the friend's motives are pure and you are not kept from meeting her etc. it shouldn't be a problem. You should be able to interact with her just as you would any of his guy friends (if this turns into a long term thing with him).
ETA: actually, it's not even about meeting her. IT's also about her attitude towards you/ the relationship in general. Does she ask about you? Does she respect when you and BF have plans? Etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, that's what I was trying to say. It's early and my head is foggy from a late night....
I think this is important. That was the issue with my bf's "girl" friend. She tried to push her way in and be first in his life, but only when she didn't have a boy toy to give her attention. BF put me first and she'd push and push. I think she finally got the hint when he told her we were moving in together. But, unlike Alisha, she couldn't handle that another woman was now first in bf's life so she disappeared.