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Do you have to have closure?
I know this has probably been discussed before, but is closure important to you? I ask b/c I think my boyfriend may have broken up with me via text this week.
We've been dating about 5 1/2 months, were exclusive etc, but haven't gotten too serious (i.e. I haven't introduced him to my son) because there's a good chance he's moving back home (Europe) at some point. Because that "some point" wasn't definite, we've just been enjoying ourselves, without talking much about the future of our relationship. Well last week when we were together, I brought it up, and he shut down. I had DS this past weekend, but we still talked every day (either text or phone). On Tuesday I sent him a text "So let me know if you want to hang this week or weekend". To which he responded "You know I want to, but I just don't know what I'm doing anymore." and nothing sense. I didn't respond b/c I am stubborn like that, but I felt for sure I'd get a bit more from him, so it's sad. I probably won't request any more from him, but would you? Is closure important? It's my first real relationship since my divorce (a year ago) and the first guy I've slept with in 3 years, so I was probably more attached than I let myself believe.
Re: Do you have to have closure?
The fact that he essentially broke up with you via text would be enough closure for me.
Seriously though, it sounds like there's a lot of game playing and lack of communication going on. I'd let this one go. You can do better.
Oh and as for closure, I still am a firm believer that it's overrated. I think it's people's way of refusing to acknowledge that something just isn't meant to be. I've seen women demand closure so many times but it's really just an excuse for them to draw out the process. It doesn't matter "why" it's not going to work out. Just know that there's a reason and move on.
Well, the idea of closure I think it a bit overrated/unrealistic. There are usually some unanswered questions/confusion, etc, that you're never going to get 100% satisfied.
However, I don't feel like what you need is closure as much as a straighforward answer from him. You've dated for 5 months, he texts you that, and then nothing? I think you deserve to know "are we officially over?".
But if this is really how he handles things, then it might actually be best to be done w/ him anyhow.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I heartily agree with everything written above.
I'm sorry about your break-up. That's a really lousy way for him to go about things.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Yeah, if it were an actual breakup, I'd say that's closed. But this? I can't even tell whether that means he wants to not see you any more ever, or he's busy this week. That being the case, it might be best to just close it by dumping him in your head.
I really can't tell either. I think he's confused about himself, so he's probably confused about what he wants as well. The whole relationship is confusing, and so you are probably right that I should procees with dumping him in my head. This combined with I found out my XH is marrying his girlfriend in June, and this week is full of sh*t.
I heard something once that made SO much sense:
If he loves you/likes you, you will know it. If he doesn't you will be confused. So I guess that tells you where you stand in this case.
I think it depends...
My friend for an example, was married for 28 years and she was happy. One day, she came back home and her husband took everything of his and left without saying anything or leaving a note.
28 years?!?! I think she deserved a lot more than that and she has no idea why and was insecure for many years after that and took a very long time to grieve. I think he could have spared her some pain and not left her wondering like that.
The thing with closure is that no matter what, even if we get it, we still will have questions. It's usually impossible to ever truly understand the thought process behind another person's decision to end things. After my recent sudden breakup my ex offered a few cloudy reasons for it but I'm not satisfied with those answers. I may never really know and can only speculate. Whatever the truth may be it doesn't change the fact that it's over and I have to move on.
In your situation I think what you're looking for is not so much even closure as it is an answer - are we together or are we over?! I liked what achase said about how love isn't confusing. So very true.
Woah, dude. These are words to live by.
For me, I know anytime I said I needed closure it was my own unwillingness to accept that things are done.
I mean, at the very least he is a poor communicator and his plans are unclear which keeps you guys from planning for the future and moving forward with a future together. What more do you need as a reason to walk away?
No, you are totally right. I guess I just kept hoping he would make a decision not to leave, and all would be peachy. I'm usually not idealistic, but I guess I was being a bit this time. It's a slam to my pride though to think he didn't even care enough about me to end things with some integrity. Just bummed..
QFT!
I find this to be very true. When my ex started acting like he wasn't sure, that's when our relationship was over. I found out later on that he was already dating his coworker. So basically when he started acting unsure he was already onto his next relationship.
Did you see the movie He's Just Not That Into You? I saw the movie and read the book and I recommend it.
I know everything isn't always black and white but if someone is interested I think you will know and not be confused.
Right, but my question was not "do you think he likes me?" it was about closure.
I think all of this is very true.
I like closure from a philosophical point of view. To some extent (and I'm actively trying to change this) I subscribe to a way of thinking that someone once described as a "protagonist philosophy." I live my life according to what would make a better story (clearly this is deeply flawed and contributed in no small part to the end of my marriage). For me, I want closure, because I want to neatly wrap up that chapter in my life. However, I whole-heartedly agree that this can come from within.
I can create closure by doing something definite like tossing out a photo or deleting a phone contact. Once (and I truly did this - feel free to laugh) I mailed a hand-written note to someone in a very remote place, explaining that I was disappointed that he never said goodbye (he had email access - hence the silliness of the letter) and that this was my way of putting everything to rest. I figured there was a good chance the note would never even get there, so as soon as it went into the mail, I had to acknowledge that it was done and over either way. And in the end, I felt better about everything, because it had a nice sad-but-slightly-romantic ending, so even though the guy was a jerk, in hindsight the story is still nice. And on my terms.