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In the interest of livening things up
WWMND?
(I might DD later)
I got a text message from an old friend Saturday night. We were roommates and close friends in college but always 100% platonic. Senior year, I set this guy up with one of my best friends and they are still together. Talking about getting married.
So, friend sends me a message Saturday night that reads "I miss you. I think about you. You're a good woman."
I didn't reply. DH thinks I should come out and tell him he's out of line. I want to ignore it because I'm a non-confrontational kind of person.
This friend and I don't talk regularly anymore, but when I'm in town we see each other for dinner and/or drinks. Also, since he's in a serious relationship with a close friend (who I do talk to regularly) I can only avoid him so much.
Would you confront him or ignore it?
Re: In the interest of livening things up
I would confront him. But I am also not you and am not in this situation. I think that there are multiple reasons to confront him and the biggest one is your marriage. I am happy to read you obviously informed your husband about the text but I think it is also your responsibility to let your friend know he was inappropriate and was not respecting your marriage; let alone your friendship or his relationship with your other friend. In my eyes your friend crossed a lot of lines with that text and you owe it to your husband and the respect of your marriage to tell your friend he was out of line.
Oh yeah, I told DH right away. He said he always thought that this friend might have feelings for me, but he had no concrete reason to think that so he didn't say anything.
You're right about my obligation to my friend. I'm just debating whether this was a stupid thing he just did one night while drunk, and then I'd feel bad ruining their relationship if he didn't really mean it. On the other hand, if what he said is really true I obviously owe it to her to tell her before she commits to him for life. (And she would never ever get divorced no matter what. She's very religious and so is her whole family.)
I just re-read what I wrote and realize how it sounds.
Do over:
Yes I think you owe it to your female friend to let her know what male friend did. But I was trying to emphasize that I thought it was most important to let male friend know he was out of line and not respecting your marriage. Does that make sense?
Yes, it makes sense.
I just hate being in this position. I don't want to be the one to ruin their relationship and I'm scared that I'll lose my friendship with her too.
I know that he's really the one ruining their relationship and it's not my fault, but I still feel icky about it.
I feel icky even asking this but do you have to tell her?
damnit. even writing it I know the answer....sorry... yea I think you owe it to her.
I think unless she isn't really a friend of yours (which sounds like is not the case) you owe it to her. It may ruin your friendship, though, and she may still go through with the marriage. I haven't been in this situation so I have to admit I'm guessing here but I feel that you have to decide if you're willing to live with the potential consequences of telling her. Either way i think you're right in feeling that you owe it to her.
My gut reaction: I would confront him and let him know it was inappropriate.
Ideally, I would tell him that he is out of line and he would break up with her of his own accord and deal with whatever issues he has before getting into another relationship. Then she never has to know the whole story and I get to keep my friend.
Sadly, I don't think it will go down that way.
I agree with Ojo. My initial reaction was that I would say something like "Thanks, my husband thinks so too. How are you?"
I don't really think this warrants telling your friend quite yet because it could have been perfectly innocent. I'd reply very nonchalantly, see how he's doing, something like that, then decide from there if you should say something more to him or to your friend.
Missed M/C 11/5/2010 @ 5 weeks, 3 days* D&C 12/3/2010 at 9 weeks, 3 days
Interesting idea. I may do this. I drafted some ideas of what I would say to my girl friend, but I'm really dreading having to say any of it so I think I may take this route.
Why do you have to go straight to confrontation? Why not just clarify the statement before assuming it was romantically inclined.
If it was intended in that way - set him straight - which can be done clearly and without malice.
Ditto this. I didn't read what he wrote and think it was a pass at your or hitting on you. One of my best guy friends will send me texts randomly that says things along those lines, but it's that he genuinely just cares about me and wants me to know that even though we don't talk often I'm not forgotten. So maybe it's something like that? I would also text like back just making light of it and see where the conversation goes.
Here is a real life example for you... Husband's very close friend sends text that says:
"J, if you weren't with B, you would be wooed, I would spoil you like you deserve. He doesn't know what he has"
my response...
"STFU you are such a jackass. B would cut you for saying that"
his response...
"Sorry, I'm drunk, you're right. Forget I said it so I can live"
my response...
"Wanna date my sister?"
his response...
"Which sister?"
Non-confrontational, to the point and ended with humor. He knows I don't play that game, my husband will kill him if he ever thinks like that again... and there is a plan B who shares my DNA.
I agree with the bold. I've had to do this before and saying exactly what Styme said and it worked fine and he left me alone after that.
Do don't say it - send a text so he can read into it like you're reading into his message.
I really think you are making this a much bigger deal than it actually is. Its not like he was on your door step screaming "I miss you - we were meant to be - I want you!!". Maybe he meant it JUST LIKE he typed it.
I also think you're blowing it out of proportion... if y'all were so close for so long, it's odd that you are immediately jumping to that being a romantic comment. I tell my friends that I miss them, think about them and that they're good people with out really meaning " I've always loved you, run away with me." I think he's reaching out to you and maybe you ought to check on him.
Yeah, I agree with the ones who are saying that it might not have been meant romantically. I have a couple ex's that I still talk to occasionally and am friends with. H knows and is okay with it. One that I catch up with every once in a while will tell me: "I really care about you. I hope you are happy. You're a great girl." There's probably some nostalgia there, but mostly he is just genuinely letting me know that he thinks I'm a good person and hopes that I'm happy with the way I've chosen to live my life.
Contrast that with another ex, whom I have literally known and been close friends with my entire life, both before and after we had a brief thing. He has a bit of a drinking issue, and he texted me one night while my husband was in Basic: "I'm so lonely. I know you want to be faithful but I can give you want you want while he's not here."
I immediately replied, told him that he was out of line, that I would never cheat on my husband, that he had no respect for me or my marriage, and that if he was really my friend, he wouldn't put temptation in my way when he knew my H had been gone for a while. That was the end of that. It was months before we spoke again and he apologized. That, I think is a situation that requires confrontation. The other I think is much more platonic and really might not have meant anything at all.
I just re-read my OP and I forgot to mention that this is not the first time this has happened. There have been similar messages sporadically since I moved away from DC, others more overtly romantic.
I guess you all could be right that I'm reading too much into it, that's just not what my gut says. I'm going to talk to him more tonight and try to get a read on what's going on. I'm also thinking that he's gone cold on the relationship he's in (I think he's felt that way for a while, based on the last meaningful conversation I had with him) and he needs a kick in the pants to let this girl go. I was the one who kicked him in the pants to break up with his HS girlfriend from home in our sophomore year of college because he was feeling the same way about her. Maybe that's more what he's asking for.