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Parental Issues Please Help!
I am writing under an AE as i know people IRL on the nest. For as long as I can remember my parents have been extremely unhappy in their marriage. My dad has threatened to divorce my mom since she was pregnant with me over 30 years ago. It is a toxic home environment and I left the home as soon as I could to go to college. I never went back. My youngest sister moved out last year when she was married. My middle sister who is 26 unfortunately still lives with them.
Five months before his youngest daughter's wedding and five months before I gave birth to his first grandchild, my father decided to serve my mom with divorce papers. He did not tell my mother she was going to be served. Instead my youngest sister who was getting married had to answer the door bell and sign for the courier that the the divorce papers were received.
I was actually relieved when this happened because as you can imagine it was a long time in the making. However at the last minute they agreed to counseling and stopped divorce proceedings.
Fast forward 5 months and everyone at my youngest sister's wedding commented about how my parents seemed very happy and were glad that everything worked out. They have also been coming to see my son every month ( I live 4 hours away from them) and have gotten along very well...or so I thought.
Today I received a phone call from my mom that my father now wants my 26 year old sister to move out. This I guess stems from a conversation with one of his co-workers who has an autistic child. Together they agreed that my 26 year old sister is autistic. She is delayed and has been since she was born but never diagnosed with anything. She has EXTREMELY low self esteem no thanks to my parents constant fighting but also from her developmental delays that were never properly addressed.
My mom said that my father told them that he was sick of living with them and that he spends most of his time in his own room with his door shut. My sister said that when they were alone together he sang the song "Go away little girl...Go away little girl."
Now I know it's my mom's decision to stay with him which I personally think is idiotic but she is very religious. My concern is for my sister. I don't know what to do. We have never been very close but I really want to help her in some way. I feel that her already low self esteem is plummeting. She has a full-time job but is not yet in a financial position to move out. Also I think she and my mother have a co-dependent relationship so it would be very for her to leave.
Is there anything I can do to help the situation or should I just butt out? Thanks so much for reading.
Re: Parental Issues Please Help!
Do not get involved! Stay out of it.
Your 26 year old sister needs to get the hell out of there and they need to stop enabling her. i guess your father finally realizes this.
How is this a shock to anyone?
.... and you're supposed to solve a 30 year toxic marriage .... and a 26 years of ignoring a severe disability? How?
-because why? - because neither of your parents want to?
I don't mean to sound astonished and snarky, but you may be too close to this to realize how utterly powerless you are to fix these really entrenched and huge issues. Be sympathetic but stear clear.
Do you think your sister is autistic? Would she benefit from a formal diagnosis? It's expensive to test a child, but your sister may benefit from services (either free or that she has to pay for) for someone with her specific disability.
Aside from pointing your sister towards the services she needs to get for herself, I don't think there is much you can do. If your sister holds down a ft job, she is an adult who can think / act for herself.
Personally, your dad makes me sick. What a tool.
Thanks for the replies...Deep down I know there is nothing I can do but I feel extremely guilty being happy with my life when they are so miserable. I do not believe my sister is autistic. My father has always put the opinions of acquaintances above that of his family's. I believe my sister has a learning disability compounded with extreme anxiety/depression. I also had anxiety/depression coupled with an eating disorder until I could distance myself from my family. I am now for the most part very content with my life and I wish they could be the same.
This is just outrageous, crazy and dangerous:
Today I received a phone call from my mom that my father now wants my 26 year old sister to move out. This I guess stems from a conversation with one of his co-workers who has an autistic child. Together they agreed that my 26 year old sister is autistic. She is delayed and has been since she was born but never diagnosed with anything. She has EXTREMELY low self esteem no thanks to my parents constant fighting but also from her developmental delays that were never properly addressed.
What has your sis got to say about this?
And your post is an excellent example of why it is not right to stay together "because of the kids."
Your father sounds like a real gem -- this is some Sword of Damocles your mother was under and a bigger sword of Damocles that you kids were under, too. The threat and onus of "I will divorce you" for how many years? Cute.
I, personally, would do whatever I had to to help my sister get out of that home and into whatever diagnosis she needs to receive whatever help she may be entitled to. No one else has stepped up, and your sister may not yet have the tools to help herself.
As for the parents, I'd steer clear. Good luck.
What?
The father sounds like a complete a$$hole who could care less about his family. I'm not saying the mother is in the right, but he hasn't helped and pretty much only seems to care about himself.
If it were me I would try to help my sister the best i could. No one else in your family is going to step up. I would do anything I could for my family. It's hard to have to be the sane and strong one. Good luck to you!
It is much more difficult to find someone who evaluates adults for autism than it is a child. In the Philadelphia area, I know of one practice limited to adults with ASDs. Once an adult is over 22 or has a signed diploma, the school district is not longer mandated to identify her needs. Plus an adult would need to be willing to cooperate with the process.
It's not unheard of for a young woman to be identified as on spectrum in her 20's or early 30's. In my world it happens a lot.
If she is on spectrum, she's likely only mildly impaired. Only 15% of the most highly functional adults with autism are able to be employed FT.
If my sister wishes to persue a diagnosis of any kind, how does she get evaluated? Is there any benefit in having a diagnosis at this age? Thanks
This was auntie's reply to another post about an autistic sibling. Maybe this is helpful to your sister as well?