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Update: Hidden Debt
I posted a couple of weeks ago about how I had credit card debt that my husband didn't know about until the night before our refinance closing.
A couple of things have happen since then:
-I started seeing a therapist on my own. At some point he will also go. I've found it very enlightening. I've been going twice a week. It will drop to 1x per week soon. It is odd to talk to a total stranger (face to face) about this but it has been great/cathartic and really opened me up to why it got to that point (overwhelmed with work/kids/ etc, imbalance of power, communication issues.)
One thing pretty cool is my employer does "no questions asked" six sessions for free through the Employee Assistance program. So between insurance and work I should be good.
-Part of therapy has been identifying what I want in our relationship. I've felt like his job and opinion have always had more sway in the conversation.His job will never change (or very likely never). However, I am working on telling him what I need more so that I don't feel so overwhelmed, frustrated that I can be a more equal partner. The therapist refers to it as finding my voice.
-DH and I have been having twice a week sit down talks about finances and then filling in as needed. He can see all of our/my accounts and where money is going. We talk about what is getting paid and what my plans are so there are no surprises $ wise. He said that he won't be mad if I tell him before hand about spending. I've also adjusted my spending (ie. coffees, lunches out all.the.time, books.all. the.time.) It feels good to actually talk to him about stuff rather than worrying about his response. It has sucked when he has pointed out that I can't really afford to do all I want. It has been good because he is now seeing that some of the stuff was me funding things that really should have been funded by both of us (Gifts for family, clothes for the girls, etc.)
I know it has only been a few weeks but things are going okay so far.
So we are working through it. Talking more, trying to be partners. He is going to come into the therapy sessions but she says I need to find my voice first.
Re: Update: Hidden Debt
+1
yay!
I think spending hiding sorta has a snowballing effect. You may see things creep back in a year or more when things get crazy with various expenses so its good to get into the habit of divulging now.
The only thing I can say is to keep talking - even if its a hard conversation and even if you gotta keep at it for a while until he lets you have a turn to talk and really listens to you. Everyone has issues with this to a certain extent.
What?! You mean your marriage might survive this?! And that there were deeper problems at play in the relationship itself not just you having a spending problem?! Say it ain't so!
/sarcasm
I'm glad to hear that you guys are working through your issues. Stick with it and good luck.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DWow, that's great! You seem to have learned a lot about yourself and your relationship in the past few weeks!
Yes,I'm smiling...I'm a marathoner!
Bloggy McBloggerson
CO Nestie Award Winner-Prettiest Brain-Back to Back!
2011 Bests
5K-22:49 10K-47:38 Half Mary-1:51:50
2012 Race Report
1/1-New Year's 5K-22:11
2/11-Sweetheart Classic 4-mile-29:49
3/24-Coulee Chase 5K-21:40
5/6-Colorado Marathon-4:08:30
5/28-Bolder Boulder 10K