Family Matters
648jess
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
fmil doesn't know my last name
I'm not sure if this is a post suited for the nest but none of the forums on the knot seemed right. This isn't just a wedding related question, more of a relationship question. I just got in an argument with my fiance about the importance of knowing someone's last name when addressing mail to them. FMIL (in spite of the fact that we have been living together for over a year and she just received a S-T-D from us) just sent an Easter card addressed to him and me but just addressed me by my first name. I find it hurtful that she hasn't bothered to learn my last name. His argument is that she is oblivious to things like that and was trying to be inclusive in her card sending. I don't think I'm being over sensitive like I am being accused of. Is the full name a big deal to anyone else?
Re: fmil doesn't know my last name
I get that you got annoyed at your MIL, complained to your FI and instead of affirming your feelings, he defended her. Which resulted in a fight and name calling.
It's not an unreasonable to expect a card addressed with your first and last name. If you said, "hey look at this" and he started telling you to not be so sensitive, then you just let FMIL's stupidity cause a fight between you two. Big mistake.
She knows your last name. Just because she didn't bother to write it on a card doesn't mean you should have a fight with your FI about it. I guarantee that she will do a lot of things that annoy you. Pick the big ones you want DH to back you up on. Don't waste your energy on little stuff like this.
And if it really bothers you, then call her and say "Thanks for the card, you know my last name is ____, right?"
I couldn't believe it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I see why you noticed it and it bothered you a little bit. If your FI is correct though and she is just oblivious, then I don't think it's a big deal. She included you in the card. Maybe she was just rushing to get it sent and didn't want to take the time to figure out your last name?
I think the fact that you got into an argument over this is concerning. I would have just laughed it off. Either she was oblivious or she was being passive aggressive, and if it is the latter, why give her what she wants by getting bothered?
Team No Big Deal
Pick your battles. You're hypersensitivity is setting yourself up for a bad relationship with her.
ha. DH and I have been married for 7 years and together for 12. we both hyphenated when we got married, mine-his.
DH's father STILL cannot spell my half of our last name, in spite of the fact that it's very simple and only 5 letters. DH and i mostly just laugh about it now, when something arrives by mail and we're reminded of it. i think laughing it off may be the best way to go.
long time lurker and just wanted to add that ive been married almost 12yrs and my inlaws still dont know my surname - they think i took their surname when i married their son, i find it funny to be honest
i understand you are feeling hurt but maybe she wanted to keep it a bit informal - its nice you were included so try to look at the positives
From my own lessons learned- if you find issue w/ everything she does, if you get upset about everything, there will come a time where your DH is going to get tired of you griping about his mom. As much as we may preach here about Dh's needing to be on the same page as us, at the same time- this is his mother and if you find "wrong" in too much stuff, he's going to start ignoring YOU because he's going to think "Cripes, my mom can't do anything right".
Save your real annoyance/frustration/going to DH about it for the bigger things where it really DOES matter.
Here's an example for you - DS has celiac disease. He can't eat anything w/ wheat or gluten. One day, MIL is asking him about what he had for breakfast. she starts saying "Pancakes or waffles?". Both DH and I were like "Um.... neither because he'll get sick" and she is all "OH! I forgot. Oops".
Now, DH is already on the same page as me - for numerous reasons, his parents don't watch DS for us. But if he weren't, if he wanted them to sit for us - this is an issue that I would be standing firm on with him and I would MAKE him hear me. DS's health is too important to take a chance on. His parents don't fully "get it" what his disease means and I simply will not take a chance that they might feed him the wrong thing.
DS's health is a million times more important than whether MIL knows my (maiden) last name.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not sure any of my ILs know my maiden name. Of course I changed my last name to my H's so it's now a moot point. Side note: H's aunt (MIL's sister) addressed a check to us as a wedding present and used H's mom's maiden name. I was shocked that H's own extended family didn't know his last name.
If you're keeping your maiden name tell your FI it's important to you that your FMIL know your last name. (So he's on the same page as you.) Then gently remind your FMIL when you get the chance. And your FI can do the same.
Overall decide if it's a hill you want to die on or if there are more important things in life.
If she's otherwise kind to you, then I would let it go. There could be a number of reasons for this ... she doesn't remember how to spell your name, she's embarrassed to ask to be reminded of what it is, she figures that you might be changing your name after the wedding anyway, she ran out of space on the envelope, etc.
If she repeatedly does things like this just to irritate you, though, then I would also let it go because she wants a reaction from you. Don't give her the satisfaction of getting angry. She craves negative attention, so don't give it to her.
honestly-it doesn't effing matter. your FI said she's oblivous. let it go.
if you go on through life like this you'll send yourself to an early grave making drama over no big deals.
I got a bday card from my MIL one time before DH & I were married (we were living together too like you & your FI) and she addressed it with my first name, a few letters of my last name and then a few letters that didn't belong and scribbles.
Granted, my Maiden name is a tongue-twister, but I was still annoyed that she couldn't take the time to spell it right, call DH & ask, look it up online, etc. DH & I had a good laugh about it. My MIL does A LOT of things that don't make sense.
I get where you're coming from, but there are going to be A LOT of things that annoy/bug you about your MIL & things she does that you wouldn't do or don't understand. However, unless she does something to blatantly offend you and/or you & your DH - I would let things like this slide. Chalk it up to her being dumb and move on. It isn't worth the stress it will cause you.
holy crap. this would have been a much bigger deal, i would think. i would have been mortified by this, and i wouldn't have known how to address it. i'm REALLY not good at showing people their mistakes...gah.
I feel for you. That seems like a passive aggressive move on her part...and just rude. You deserve the respect, esp if you've been together for awhile and are getting married. I do think you'll have to ignore it as not to start a war but think you have every right to feel bad/annoyed/etc.
It's sad that FI isn't calling Mom and correcting her on his own. Sadly, this is only the beginning and won't change. Sorry...am there with you...