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need advice with boyfriend/ex husband issue
Backstory: Last year I divorced my husband, we have an almost 2yr old son. The ex has a pregnant (by him) gf who has 3 kids of her own (2 other dads), and has moved their family an hour and a half away. My son goes once a month to spend 4 days with his dad, Wed night-Sun. When the ex is working the gf is home with my son and 2 of her kids. I have been dating a wonderfully amazing guy for 6 months now, though we have known each other for 13 years. He lives with me and my son, treats him like he is his own, and is a wonderful male role model for him.
Problem: I don't like the ex's gf. She was dating a friend of mine and my ex before we divorced and I didn't like her then either. She has had her kids taken away from her multiple times, and I've HEARD that there have been multiple calls to CPS though I can't prove it. To be honest I think she is a ghetto trailer trash wh*re. I couldn't care less who he dates though, I have a problem with the fact that my son is in her care. Anyway, the problem is that by saying I don't like her my boyfriend now thinks that the reason is because she is with my ex and it is causing some fights. He says that if I didn't want him back I wouldn't be so adamant about not liking her, and that I'm just coming up with reasons to not like her.
I guess this ended up being more of a rant, but I don't know what to do. I honestly have no feelings for my ex whatsoever, and the way he treated me when we were married made sure that I never will. If it wasn't for my son I wouldn't ever talk to him. This is going to sound awful but part of me wishes that he would just bow out of my son's life altogether since he is a non-involved parent as it is. He does the minimum necessary. The problem is that I DO still have to have contact with him. I love my boyfriend and we have started talking about marriage and having a baby. But I refuse to keep having to defend myself while he still says "We will see" and that he's just waiting for me to leave him for my ex.
Any comments/suggestions/whatever? Am I doing something wrong or is my bf just being paranoid?
Re: need advice with boyfriend/ex husband issue
If your boyfriend can't put trust in you, then he's not the right guy for you.
I know you love him but are you prepared to go through a lifetime of this? He is going to constantly have it in the back of his mind that you want your ex back and you are constantly going to have to walk on egg shells around him to make sure anything you say about your ex's gf does not get misconstrued. It sounds exhausting just saying it. I don't think your boyfriend is ready to deal with being married to someone who is tied to her ex by a kid.
I'm going to be honest.... slow down. You divorced your ex just a year ago, you're dating this guy and already living w /him and talking marriage and another baby.
Slow down. The fact that he doesn't realize that this is about your SON concerns me. Of course you don't want your DS in the care of someone who is REALLY questionable, and the fact that your BF is making this about your ex and basically kind of refusing to see that this is about you being a mom and putting your son first - it concerns me.
You will FOREVER be connected to your ex and if your bf is going to have problems with that and hold it over you, then he might not really be the right guy to be marrying and having more kids with. At least not right now.
Entering a relationship w/ someone who has a child is a HUGE task to take on, and if your BF isn't up to it, then he's not up to it. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it is a lot to ask of someone and not everyone out there really has what it takes to deal with this situation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well I am going to be direct with you. You have really low standards for what makes an " amazing" guy. An amazing guy wouldn't accuse you of having feelings for your ex (considering how he treated you) and an amazing guy would understand that you are foremost concerned about your child's safety. Amazing men don't behave like that, they just don't.
Do you think you have a pattern of choosing men who do not treat you well ?
I know that you're in a really bad situation all-around right now, trying not to judge, just wanted to make sure your head's straight here. I definitely question that your first priority is how to make it better with brand new bf (that you're already living & discussing future family with ((WAY too soon))) instead of the very legitimate concerns of a possibly extremely unfit woman having sole responsibility of your son for multiple hours a week.
I'd worry about bf later, and first get down to minimizing this woman's care of your son. Definitely don't back off of this situation b/c your bf is misinterpreting your very valid concerns as jealousy. Please do what you know is right for your son.
If this is the right guy for you, then he ought to believe you when you tell him that your only concern is your son's safety. Instead, he's accusing you of being a liar. Why would you put up with that nonsense.
The "We will see" crap alone would make me kick him to the curb. What a jerk. You shouldn't have to defend yourself to him ... that's not what a healthy relationship is about. He's playing some kind of game with you where you have to prove yourself as a worthy wife. Ugh.
And with all the accusations he's making that you want to leave him for your ex, it makes me think that HE might have something going on the side and he's trying to build up a case against you ("Well, I wouldn't have had to find love elsewhere if you weren't still hung up on your ex!"). Cheaters are often the ones who are the most vocal about being cheated on.
Dump him - you can do MUCH better. Your son needs to grow up in a household of honest love, not a household where he thinks it's O.K. for him to demand that his future girlfriends have to prove their loyalty to him. If nothing else, dump him for your son's sake.
And if you're not prepared to break it off with him yet, DEFINITELY do not have a baby with him. Don't bring another innocent child into this mess. Use protection at all times. Ditto the other posters ... you are moving MUCH TOO FAST here. Slow down. Again, your main priority here is your son, so if nothing else slow down for his sake.
As far as your son's safety, just encourage him to be honest with you about how he's being treated, and as long as you're convinced that he's safe then just do your best to be civil to your ex and his girlfriend.
Sounds like you've really moved too quickly with your bf. He's already living with you and your children after 6 months of dating? That's not very long at all. He also sounds immature to think that you not liking your XH's gf means you want your ex back. I'm not sure of the entire story but it basically sounds like you are just concerned (legitimately so) for your children's well-being. I completely understand wanting to be comfortable with someone who's going to be around your kids.
I would NOT continue talking about getting married and having a baby with your bf. Even if things were 100% ok, it is just too soon. You JUST got out of a marriage and your rushing things with him, there's no two ways about it.
This and everything the others have said.
You need to take a big breath. This doesn't seem to be the guy for you and it is most likely not the right time anyway.
As for the ex and his GF, look up the public records and you will have your answer on the CPS stuff. It isn't very hard.
It sounds like this bf of yours is insecure and perhaps has control issues. You commenting about not liking your ex's gf should not make him feel that way, if he was a normal guy. But if he's insecure he's going to read way too much into things and accuse of this bs you posted about.
Has he acted like this before? Do you feel like he is trying to control you in any way? This just screams of red flags for me. I don't think you need this crap from some guy you've been dating for ONLY 6 months.
ETA- I didn't see this when I read your post for the first time, he's just waiting for me to leave him for my ex, but holy shiit this screams insecurity!! Please leave this dude before things get worse.
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
I am going to give you the same advice I give my sisters and my single friends. You have no idea what life has in store for you. In the 8 years that my husband and I have been married we have had two job losses, fights with parents, fights with in-laws and the worst, having to bury our first child. That pregnancy was also very difficult and I felt like I was in a state of terror and anxiety for over a year.
That is why I am so increbily grateful and proud that I CHOSE to marry a man with character. A man that is kind, thoughtful, considerate, selfless, patient, honest, hardworking,loyal and trusting. I don't know where I would be without him and has been my rock when I felt like my soul was crushed. Again, you have no idea what life has in store for you, no idea. You too could have loss of jobs, loss of homes, loss of parents, infertility, permanant disabilities, chronic diseases, a child with special needs or like us, the loss of a child. That is why it is so incredibly important to choose wisely. We are talking about a man who will be a father figure to your son, a father to any future children, and a partner and team mate in this life. The man you are dating is already showing signs of having little character. The man that is right for you wouldn't even consider that you would have feelings for your ex, that thought wouldn't even come into his head. A man with character will trust you and a man with character wouldn't make you prove your worth to him and wouldn't dangle marriage in front of you in order to get you to step inline. A man with character wouldn't do that.
OP, you are a momma now and that means you have to have higher standards for yourself and your child now. You have to be so much more careful about who you bring into your child's life, who you date and who you marry. If not then your future will involve two divorces or you and your children being stuck in a miserable marriage.
I also hate to jump to these conclusions but the accusations and jealousy is a sign of someone with an abusive personality. Not all the time mind you, but it was just a red flag that jumped out to me. I also want to ask ? Was he the one who wanted the quick involvement ?
ETA: I also wanted to add that I have an amazing guy. He is a blessing to my life and you too can have a true amazing man like him. Now I am not a great beauty, or chraming or successful. I won't even say I got lucky, I will just say that I had the good sense to choose a man with character. He proved to me while we were dating that he had wonderful qualities and characteristics and I was smart enough to choose him to be my husband and father to my children. You too can have someone like this as long as you have the patience and the self worth to know that you deserve someone who really is amazing.
I agree w/ Kuus and ECB here. SLOW down.
Great advice. Life is hard enough without choosing a mate who displays poor character 6 short months into a relationship. I was married to someone who had red flags written all over him, which I chose to ignore. When he lost his job and I had a m/c was when everything really blew up. He simply could.not.handle adversity and was not by my side. Now I'm a single mom. OP, think about this, do you really want another divorce, and do you really want to put your children through this all over again.
Choose wisely this time, please.
And I also want to know who wanted the 0-60 relationship? Because that's a huge red flag.
The only thing you are doing wrong (that was your question) is moving too fast with your bf. But others have already stated that, so I won't belabor the point.
I will say that your bf doesn't seem like he understands what it means to have an ex that you have a child with. It means even if you think he is nasty scum, you still have to communicate with him. It means you have to find a way to put your feelings (and by feelings I mean disgust and the like) about the ex aside and find a new way to define your "relationship" with said ex because you have to have some type of relationship with him for your child. If you bf doesn't get that sometimes that means bitching about his gf, because something about her causes you to be concerned about your SON, then he needs to either learn to understand that or cut bait.
Amazing, it's like you read my mind
I think jealousy always destroys relationships. I would have a come to Jesus talk with you BF and explain to him that you do not have feelings for your ex but you need to deal with him and his GF to make sure your son is being cared for and maintains a relationship with his real father. I would put your foot down. Let him know that you expect him to trust you from here on out. Explain to him that the only way your relationship will last is if you both trust each other and give each other respect.
If after this serious talk he still continues you have two choices. Either live with his insecurities and constantly harping on you or dump him.
I would recommend the book Love & Respect or some other self help book that you both can read that can start to give you help on the foundations of a good relationship.
this
I bet the part you don't agree with is that you moved too fast with the current guy. Am I right, am I right?
I'd bet too!
Your bf sounds like a teenager to me...actually so do you.
Says the woman dating a man who is inappropriate with his teenage daughter.
I don't even know where to start with this. Worry about your kid first and his safety. If you BF can't handle it then its the end of your relationship, period. Do you really think its a great idea to be talking about marriage and babies with a man you have been dating for 6 months?! It doesn't matter that you have known him 13 years. This type of relationship is different and you should be moving slowly and with great caution becasue you have a child in the midst of this as well!
In regards to your ex's gf, I think the only choice you have is to take your ex back to court over custody. Or, if you and your ex are on good enough terms to have a healthy conversation, express how you don't think it's appropriate that the few days your son "sees him" he's often working and son is actually in his gf's care. See if you can work out a time when he knows he'll be around 100% of the time.
Now, your boyfriend should be confident enough in your relationship and trust you enough to not accuse you of still having feelings for your ex when you're only concerned about your son. That would be a red flag for me, personally. Also, if he's so great with your son and loves him like his own, why does it not concern him too that your ex's gf who's had CPS called on her is watching DS?
When you talk to your boyfriend about the whole situation, limit saying anything about how you don't like your ex's girlfriend. Just emphasize how you don't like her watching your son, that you don't care if she's with your ex you just don't want her watching your son alone.