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Pregnant friend distancing herself?
This is a bit long, so I apologize ahead of time.
So my best friend (who was my matron of honor in October, and I was her maid of honor in her wedding in October 2010) is 21 weeks pregnant. We'll call her P. I feel like she's been distancing herself, and another friend of mine (this is one of those, "it's always been the three of us" friendships) agrees. We'll call that friend L. P lives in my hometown and I live about an hour away, but I go home to visit pretty frequently. I manage to see L pretty frequently, even with her having to work random weekends.
P has been spending a lot of time with other girls we went to high school with who are moms, they've even dubbed themselves the "mommies club." It's not that I'm necessarily jealous of not being part of this "mommies club," because I'm definitely not ready for kids yet, though I am a little jealous that these girls see my best friend all the time and I never do. My issue is that when I try to get a hold of P, she'll either not respond at all or respond minimally. For example, I was home this past weekend and was taking my father-in-law out for his birthday Saturday night, but told P I'd be around all day Sunday and could get together whenever. She said she might be going to do her baby registry, but she'd let me know. She never registered, and I never heard from her. Normally, I wouldn't get worked up about this one instance, but this is constantly happening--I'm always reaching out and I've seen her once for dinner since she's been pregnant.
L and I think that, based on P constantly spending time with girls she wasn't particularly close with before, P is distancing herself because she, for some reason unbeknownst to me, thinks we can't relate anymore. P has even said she wishes I was pregnant so we could raise our kids together. I'm ready to finally say something to her, just that I miss having my best friend around and that I want to be there fore this important part of her life since we've been there for each other through all the other big events, but I want to 1) make sure I'm not overreacting, and 2) not upset her. Thoughts?
Re: Pregnant friend distancing herself?
Sometimes pregnancy completely changes people. They somehow get in their brains that everything needs to change because of this one life moment. And while it's true that plenty changes after having children, it isn't as much as everyone implies unless they make it that way.
I would just talk to your friend about not seeing her enough. Let her know you're interested in what's going on and feel left out of her pregnancy. Also make it clear that you just miss hanging out. I think you're spot on with her pre-emptively distancing herself.
And "Mommies Club", really? Yack.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
Of any life event that I actually really do feel can impact friendships, having kids is it. But your friend hasn't even had her child yet - she's just PG - and it's already having an impact.
If that's what's going on - she's hanging out w/ people she now feels she has "stuff in common with" - I'll be honest, people like her annoy me.
Friendships are based on more than our relationship status, or our parenthood status, or what we do for a living, or our hobbies, or what books we like to read - as in there is a whole mix of stuff that draws us to other people. And I really never understand the people who let ONE event in their lives suddenly dictate who they hang out with.
Sure, you're not PG and about to have a kid. In some ways you actually CAN'T relate to her. But, I assume your friendship is based on more than that, right?
As far as what to do - all I can suggest is to talk to her. Ask her what's going on. It may very well be this one thing, and if she tries to make it about that- I'd remind her of the above - there is a LOT more to your friendship than just the fact that she's about to be a mom and you aren't. But also be prepared that there could be something else unrelated going on!
But past that - in the end, you can't force her to see things differently. If she's convinced herself that "only" other PG women/ moms can "understand" her, then she's not going to hear you. Luckily most of my friends weren't like this, but I did have one friend who was, and she was also one who spoke of "The Club". Based on that experience, I feel that women who talk like that LIVE to be a MOOOOMMMMM and absolutely nothing else matters and anyone who doesn't have kids just can't understand ANYTHING about their lives.
Notice my use of the past tense. She WAS a friend. ANd because of this attitude of hers, we really DIDN'T have anything in common once she became a mom!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Terrible friend! You're banned to the Mommies Klub!
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just tired and looking for people who know what she's going through, but it sounds like she's one of those women who gets super wrapped up in pregnancy and being a mom. They stop being a person and become a Mommy. That type is who these two are singing about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8
I would suggest talking to her and letting her know you miss hanging out with her, but be prepared that she might be a lost cause.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
If it's only happened that one time when she doesn't respond to the text I'd let it go, if it keeps happening then I'd say something.
I know now that I'm pregnant I've spend some extra time with other pregnant or new mom's just because I have questions and because it's just something big and easy to bond over. But it doesn't mean you stop hanging out with friends that aren't going through the same thing with you. I probably hang out with them a LITTLE less because I'm now sharing my time between the two groups a little more but I would want my friends to tell me if I've become too distant/started ignoring them/became to baby and me focused.
Let her know how you feel, she might not even realize she's doing it.
I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I went through this a couple of years ago with one my best friends. I say I don't have advice, because no one in my group ever addressed it with this girl, and now none of us really ever talk to her anymore. It's sad, because we used to be incredibly close and now apparently we're worth her time because she has a toddler and the rest of us don't.
I would not recommend taking that approach. Honestly, after a few years I would rather have just been told that she doesn't want to be friends anymore than have 3+ years of (what seems to me to be) half-hearted fake efforts to hang out on the rare occasion that I'm in town. (I live a plane ride away, so it isn't like this comes up once a month and I"m being obnoxious. Promise
)
I always promised myself I wouldn't be one of "those" pregnant women who talked about nothing but pregnancy and babies and that I would keep being me. Then I got pregnant. I think, particularly when it's your first, it can be really all-consuming.
I didn't purposely distance myself from my regular friends. I did find myself seeking out other moms and pregnant women though. I was exhausted and apprehensive, and frankly, I didn't want to annoy my other friends by talking about nothing but stretch marks and babies 24/7 when that was literally the ONLY thing I was capable of thinking about.
If it's just the one time thing, let it go. Talk to her and let her know you miss you and you're interested in what's going on in her life. Once my son was born, I felt a lot more normal again and I'm back to hanging out with all of my friends. Hopefully your friend will be the same.
I can completely relate akalei. I was in the same position about 3 years ago. My two best friends got married about 5 months apart from each other. They then became pregnant within weeks of each other after being married about a year. I was in both their weddings and we continued to hang out when we could even though we all live about 5-6 hours apart from each other. Their being married brought some changes, but nothing major.
However, once they became pregnant, they became entirely engrossed in the process. They were less and less able to hang out and didn't really want to. They hung out with each other and with their new "mommy" groups. The last time I saw each of them was each of their baby showers, which I attended despite the fact they had disappeared from my life. They are really no longer part of my life, and neither even attended my marriage in November 2011, even though their children were welcome. And by that time, I invited them only because of our history together.
So my point really is this: People grow apart, they sometimes grow back together & sometimes never. If your friend winds up missing you and your friendship you can forgive her and go back to being friends if you're so inclined. But there's no point worrying about someone else's decisions. You can't change them and you shouldn't try. I know it hurts now, but you have to move past it and you will in time. Friends come and go. It's an unfortunate fact of life.
To update, I got in touch with P on Tuesday night. I simply told her we needed to talk because I miss my best friend and want to be there for this very important time in her life and I feel shut out. From her response, it sounded very much like she didn't even realize she was doing it. She said she misses me and we need to get together soon, whether it's me coming home or her coming down here, and that she's doesn't want me to feel shut out ever. While it's still a wait and see if we actually get together, I'm glad we had a nice conversation and I'm glad I said something before the baby comes. Thanks for your help, everyone.