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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Excluded by friends w/o kids
I'm usually only on the wedding boards on the knot, but when google failed me I thought maybe the nest boards might have some insight.
I have a daughter that is 3 years old and everyone that meets her loves her. But I get the impression that I am often not invited to go out with my friends that don't have kids, because during daytime hours I would usually have to bring my daughter with me. Its frustrating because even though some of them are married none of them have children.
Has anyone noticed a parent prejudice happening before? And is this something I should try to talk to these friends about?
Re: Excluded by friends w/o kids
Thats hard to deal with:
For me its the same idea, turned around. All mine & my Hubby's friends HAVE kids and we do not.. Sometimes it feels like we're not invited cause everyone makes it a sort of parents hang out and playdate for their kids, and i've had friends tell me they feel bad for us, being the only ones at events without kids... It doesnt really matter too much to us. but I see where your coming from! Sorry thats happening to you! I think you should talk to your friends about it. It could really help.
Of course your non-parent friends won't want to spend a ton of time with a three year old. I don't like spending much time with toddlers and I have one. And when I hang out with my friends, whether they are parents or not, I would prefer to do so without the kids (unless it is a kid/family specific thing).
I think what you are struggling with is that you are in a different place in life than they are right now. And that's okay. I would try to do stuff with them sans kid when you can. What would you want to say to them anyway? I certainly wouldn't reprimand my friends for not wanting to spend more time with my child. I like being around him (because I'm his mother), but he sort of dominates the situation when he's involved and I can see that it would be a drag for people who aren't his parent.
I'm not expecting them to want to spend all their time with my kid, I need breaks myself. But they spend the rest of their life not surrounded by children, can't they handle just a little bit of time if it means getting to hang with me too?
I guess I'd wish my friends would be honest. They could extend the invitation but note that it is a kid free invite. Then I'd have the choice to either not go or find a babysitter. When I'm not even invited I have no choice in the matter, I might have been able to go without the kid if they had just asked!
Then I think it's fair to let them know that you still want to be included and that you don't have to bring along the kid all the time. I will admit that I haven't had this problem that much because I was late to the game having a child. By the time my son arrived, most of my friends were already parents.
I do think it's okay to just say that you miss hanging out and that its okay if they don't want to spend time with a 3-yr old. You may not be able to do things as frequently, but you would like to know if they are going out or doing something fun so that you could try to make it work. A very good friend of mine used to say "Please don't stop asking! Don't give up on me! If I can get a babysitter, I will" But by saying that, you have to walk the walk. Actually take them up on offers from time to time.
Second, you clearly want to be able to bring your DD. Clearly. But then you are annoyed that they don't invite you but say "it's kid free". I have to wonder if they once tried this but you either always said "no" or you asked "Oh, but can JUST DD come?".
Or if that never specifically happened - there is just enough of a vibe/knowledge about you that they know this is what would most likely happen. Because I know I've been on that end of things- wanting to plan a girls get together that is kid free, but I have "that" friend who simply won't og out w/o her kid. So instead of dealing w/ the "Oh, can I just bring LO" or being told yet again "Sorry, I can't come unless I can bring LO", I just don't invite them.
You have to own your side to this too. And do YOU ever plan an adult only gatherings (so that you can at least have more control over the when and where)?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Can you tell them this? "Hey I realize that I might not be invited to some things because I have a kid and it tends to be more difficult to go to things without her but I just want you to know that I would love to hang out more, and if it's a child-free invite just let me know and I will try to find a babysitter. I might have to miss some get together's because of this but I want you to know that I really miss hanging out with you guys"
They might just assume you can't go or that it would be a burden for you and so just don't ask. You might have to just let them know that you would actually LOVE some time with the girls.
Oh and I agree that if you do talk to them you need to be able to go without your DD. Bringing her to adult girls outings just doesn't really work at that age..or at least there should be more times that she doesn't come than times she does.
I am always available kid-free in the evenings or on the weekends once my husband is home from work. Few of them ever want to get together for dinners, they always want to go out for lunch. I've even tried throwing parties where my husband would take our daughter out so it'd be us ladies only and no one comes!
I WANT kid-free time with my friends, I don't want to bring my daughter along all the time. I've started to feel depressingly isolated.
I'm with EastCoast on this. Some people just don't find get-togethers that include a kid to be enjoyable, like, at all, and when weighing the value of you + 3 year old vs not having you at all, not having you is going to win. That's especially true when you factor in the vibe you're giving of feeling like people who chose not to have any kids at this time should suck it up and deal with being around yours sometimes. That grates at people.
ED: But... always lunch? Why are these people always free in the middle of the day? Is there something else, some other factor that we're not aware of?
Couldn't you occasionally get a sitter? DH works a job where he's 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off. So 2 out of every 4 weekends and most nights - if friends want to get together w/o kids (or if *I* simply want to get out!), I hire a sitter. I don't do it alot, but occasionally it's almost necessary! Just like this past Saturday night. And that was actually to a get together that I could have taken DS. *I* just didn't want to have to juggle him while trying to catch up w/ my friends.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Do they all have night jobs? Oooh, ooh, are they strippers?
hahaha No, none of them are strippers (as far as I know). Most of them have jobs in retail or are college student, one is a professor.
I know I'm not going to be available every time that they are, but I'm stumped as to why they're never available when its best for me to get together without my child.
I have two suggestions for you:
1) Start putting your DD in daycare for 1-2 days a week. It will give you a break, and give her some time to socialize with other children her age. ( I am guessing you do not work) This will free you up to go have lunch with your friends.
2) Find a mother-toddler group to get with once a week. You will make new friends there with other moms who have kids around the same age as yours, and you all will have some common ground.
As for getting upset that some of them do not want to make dinner plans with you, have you thought about hosting a dinner party for you and your friends at your home, and arrange for a friend/family member to take your DD for an overnight stay? Your husband might like that too.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Exactly. I know from experience; it is exhausting trying to make plans with someone who is never available. And if you were able to get together with your friends and your DD in tow, you will still be in "mommy mode" and not available for adult conversation. Not everyone is interested in children, even when the child is yours.
If your friends always seem to be busy when you are available, why not try to plan a night (or day) a few weeks in advance so that everyone has time to coordinate their schedules? Surely if they really do want to get together with you, and you are willing to go without your daughter, you all can make it happen.
This too.
I have a question. When you are without DD, are all your conversations about her?
ETA: You also said that everyone that meets your daughter loves her, but what makes you say that? Is it possible that these people are just being polite? Is your daughter polite and well-behaved? Lots of parents have complete a*sholes for children and seem completely oblivious to the fact.
They are in a different place right now so for whatever reason it's just not working right now. My friends totally changed once we all started having kids. I rarely get together with the girls I used to see all the time back when I was single and not a parent. Some of those old friends have kids, some of them don't, many of us have moved apart, most of us just kind of grew apart, it just kind of faded.
If they are all getting together without you and for whatever reason never have time when you are free, I would try to move on. It sounds like you could use some new friends.