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My husband and I want to live in different places
We're newlyweds, married in November 2011 and have recently discovered a hidden issue. He's always known my plans for my life, and never had a disagreement. But now, when the final ties are being cut from his hometown and where we now live, he's saying living there again has been on his mind.
The situation is very difficult. I'm legally blind, so my mobility is limited. He's my chauffeur. That's never been an issue, but I've always wanted to live somewhere where I can get around on my own; a cityscape, but nothing crazy like NYC. His hometown, where I also grew up and graduated, is a tourist town, with no historical value, full of dragging highways, and bad memories. It makes me miserable just thinking about it. And the reason he's afraid to detach completely, is not seeing his friends anymore. I've tried to tell him that we'll make new friends, and that he'll be able to see them again, but the issue hasn't seemed to resolve.
He says he wants to make me happy, and it feels like that. Instead of feeling like an equal compromise, it feels like we're creating a rift in our relationship that could easily grow and destroy us. But he continues to try and convince me that he wants to make this decision, despite how many pauses in his sentences there are.
My mother (x.x) thinks that I should move back to our hometown, just for a while, til' he finishes his education, as a compromise. But I fear that time there could easily turn me into a mental patient, and possibly destroy our marriage within a year. But how can I feel happy knowing he's more than likely just masking his wishes for my sake. Or will it get better with time? Will he eventually come to love it here? He's never seemed unhappy before now. But his involvement with his friends was always VERY important. And now that I've put a ban on frequent visits, he's feeling the sudden loss.
Am I being too harsh or is he being too soft? How can we come to a compromise?
Re: My husband and I want to live in different places
I think talking to a neutral third party is the best way to work through your past, emerging current, and likely future issues, so I'd recommend seeing a counselor and laying all the issues out there for someone else to help you sift through.
When and how and by whom was it decided to live where you do now?
Why did you ban frequent visits? Is there any place that would be a good middle ground? I'd say living an hour away and him going back every other Saturday or something seems reasonable. Dh moved for my job and his closest friends are an hour away, he sees them pretty often but I know being far bums him out and while he doesn't complain or blame me it does make me sad.
A counselor might be helpful here. It's always difficult making a decision on where to live, but communication in this situation is key- what about taking one evening and devoting it to letting out your (and his) feelings about what you want out of where you live?
I may not be the best at advice in this situation- my husband is from Massachusetts, I'm from Illinois, we met in Hawaii, and just moved to Texas- we are very, very far from our families and childhood friends. But, when we were in Hawaii, and had to pick a new place to live, we both listed what we wanted out of a location, found the similarities, and found a place that suited both of our needs. Could you do something like that?
I'm curious - do you use a screen reader to read The Nest? I make government documents 508 compliant, so I'm always a fan of accessibility.
I think being legally blind is a huge factor and living in a city that is interesting and easy to nvagiate is crucial. I wouldn't want to waste any time feeling 'trapped' where you live. I feel that this issue must be the priority.
he has agreed to move and you guys are moving, but he is thinking he might want to move back *some day*, is that correct?
i dont see the point of having this argument now.
he may fall in love with the new place and never want to leave. you may decide that once you have kids you want to move back to be close to mom/sisters/favorite uncle, etc. you both may move to some different place for school/work.
the PPs who suggested counseling were right. always helpful (if it is a good counselor).
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Tell me more about this education thing. Is he currently enrolled in college? Is there an equivalent college in the city where you'd like to move he could transfer to, or is his only option a 'downgrade'?
I completely agree with the PP that you need to be somewhere you can be independent, but since you're newlyweds and seem to be just starting out, is a move right now financially feasible? Is there a compromise like moving to a town center nearby which is more pedestrian/vision impaired-friendly?
I agree with the PPs who suggested a couple of sessions with a counselor to talk it out on neutral ground. I'm also curious as to where you're currently living vs. where you're from and the timeline he's talking about. And why did you ban visits back home? IMO, telling someone something is not allowed is the quickest way to build resentment.
Your husband sounds immature. I get that he misses (or would miss) his friends, but that is not a good enough reason to shackle your spouse to a town that makes her miserable. FWIW, my husband is legally blind, and I knew going in to this marriage that there were some things I was likely going to have to live without. Does it suck? Well, yeah, sometimes. Particularly when I compare the cost of a sh*tty condo in the city to a nice house in the suburbs.
Am I resentful? Heck no. His happiness and independence is as important to me as it is to him, so it's a non-starter for me.
Definitely try to get him to a couple of sessions with a counselor to talk things out. Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I now live in a place you have just described: middle of nowhere tourist town with rolling highways and lakes. But, there is a fairly large city just 45 minutes away. There isn't anywhere near your husband's hometown where you would be happy to live and he could travel to see his friends and family (or vice versa) as much as he wants?
Ditto on this, except I don't really think my town is so much a tourist town. I feel like there has to be some compromise here. Surely there is a city somewhere not too far from your hometown so that he is able to still see his friends and family that would also satisfy your desire for city living.
I also have to wonder about you saying you forbid him from going to see his friends and family. That sounds pretty harsh and I hope there is a story behind it that makes it less so. Otherwise it sounds like you are trying to cut him off from his friends.
Ban on frequent visits home? Like how frequent? Every other day? Every weekend? Can he still go once a month? Did you two talk honestly about how often he goes home to visit friends and compromise on it? I know me banning my H from going to see friends would not fly. He'd be hella pissed at me and rightfully so.
As to your where to live quandary, H and I agreed before we got married to live where he was at the time until he'd been working for his current employer for 5 years. Then we'd reassess. (We're almost at 4 years with his company now.) Maybe you could come to some agreement like that. Or as other suggested, live in a city somewhat near your hometown.
I'm sorry but you sound quite overbearing here. For starters, it doesn't sound like you were ever on the same page or that you have any interest in compromise here. In fact, your "we" sound like you. As in, you decided and you presume he agrees or you will make him agree because you are right.
I mean you banned his visits, you say you want to cut ties with your old hometown even though apparently, you're both from there and both have deep roots. You also are being awfully melodramatic with the whole, ZOMG it will DESTROY US!
Don't get me wrong. I understand your reasoning but I do think there are workable solutions and one of them isn't to tell your H to just suck it up and walk away from everything he knows and loves just because you want to come sail away Styx style.
Click me, click me!
This is where I'm at with it. You started off saying that you were blatant about what YOU want out of life, but what about his? Now that you're married, there has to be an US. You have to compromise.
I agree with HS. This remind me of a post the other day where they agreed she would be a SAHM and he would work. Then he decided he hated his job and wanted to career switch and she was stamping her feet screaming BUT YOU PROMISED.
Life plans change as people change, its ok for him to now want to live at home and it would be good of you to compromise on this instead of insisting he abide by your original agreement and be miserable.
OMG dead at this line. Awesome Styx reference here.
Also, I agree with HS.
You both barely look 18 years old. Go move to a city and learn to live by yourself.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Hey, don't knock Away. Away's a good place. There's a Ben and Jerry's there.