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unmarried friends breaking away
I've been having an issue with my close friends from high school. Even though I am 25 now, I was still pretty close to my friends from that time period. It seems to me that I am never invited anymore to events with the gang, and my guess was because I got married. My friends were never really into relationships.. Out of my 5 close friends, 3 have never dated at all, 1 dated but hasnt ever had a relationship, and the other has just been promiscuous but no relationships. I am wondering if it is because they feel like they cant relate to me anymore? All I know is any time I did talk to them, they would go on and on about how I grew up and would bring up wedding crap and "wifely duties" (as they call it) to me, and other topics such as "You're married..whats it like?!?" type questions. I always felt awkward but I let them know what I was up to if they asked..but I always tried to change the subject.
I am just wondering if this has happened to any of you? I feel like I havent changed a bit, and I was far from a bridezilla during my wedding. I've been married over a year now and havent seen any of them since the wedding. I've tried to make plans at least four times but no one answers my calls or we sit and chat for awhile on the phone but they say they are too busy to get together. I know this cant be the case all the time, because a few times I've seen facebook pictures of all of them hanging out..and guess who wasnt invited? Yeah you guessed it, Me.
My other friends let me know I havent changed a bit and am the sweetest person they know (these friends all have dated or had long relationships before) and tell me its not me...but I cant help but think it has to do with me somewhat.
One of my other high school friends a few years ago decided to not talk to me anymore as well because she was jealous of what I had with my fiance, and told me her boyfriend didnt even compare but she said that he was the best she could get. She flat out said this to me. I was so very hurt, but at least with that one I knew she was jealous and there was really nothing I could do. Plus it sunk in she wasnt a true friend after that. With these ones I cant figure it out. I just wonder if its a part of life...there are some people you just grow out of? I dont want to grow out of them, but I cant figure out how to go about this anymore.
Re: unmarried friends breaking away
Past that - growing up and "life" changes friendships and friendships end. High school was such a fishbowl - it never surprises me when people talk about high school friendships ending.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I went through something pretty simular...after I got married I lost touch for a while with a few of my "closest" friends from H.S. because they didnt understand my desire to be married... They didnt exactly exclude me from stuff, but they assumed that because I was married I was "No fun anymore" But after talking with them and explaining just because i'm married doesnt mean I'm all of a sudden a Holly Homemaker who sits at home and knits 24/7... We where able to move forward, but it also made me realize, we weren't as close as I thought. I think You shouldn't want to be friends with people who can't move forward with you and support what you have whether they have what you have or not. And who knows, Maybe this is an opportunity you have been given to search out new friends, ones that are in simular life situations as you! I hope it works out.
GOOD LUCK!
It sounds like these particular old friends may be unusually uncomfortable with change since maybe they've never experienced it--they haven't had relationships, some haven't dated--you just got married how CAN they relate?
I'm 23 and married and it's fair to say I'm the 1st of my close friends married, and the 2nd out of the larger circle of acquaintances (friends ages 21-28). A few others are engaged and I won't be so alone soon (lol) but I can definitely say that things are different. None of my friends have stopped trying to do things with me, I see them regularly by having them in/going out to lunch/taking them out on the water, but some of them are still going out every night they're free until 2AM meeting people, taking single-girls trips to Vegas, etc.--we're in different worlds now BUT I used to do all of that with them so now we have fun talking about it all--who they're dating/interested in, drama, etc. I have other friends from high school who I'll always care about, they were bridesmaids in my wedding, that I haven't seen SINCE the wedding and have only talked to a couple of times because they're doing the single thing in big cities far from where I live. We're too in different worlds but when/if they ever want to settle I'm sure we'll reconnect again.
My whole point is, if your friends have never dated/had relationships (I have to ask what do they do with their lives??) have you EVER had anything in common on deep level or held conversations beyond small talk?
I was the first in my group of friends to get married (though a few others were engaged/living with boyfriends/in otherwise serious relationships). My friends were all really supportive, but did seem to think that being married would make me a totally different person. When we did see them (or when I hung out with them alone), several actually told me, "Wow, I thought this would be really different but actually it isn't weird at all." (Why would it be weird?)
That said, though, people change. Every one of my friends who has started dating someone or gotten married has changed (This has come up a lot. We're all in our late 20s/early 30s now). It isn't (usually) a bad thing. It just means you have another person to share your time with, and that doesn't always go over well with some friend groups.
I am not married yet. However, I can definitely relate to life changes changing friendships. I would encourage you to think if there are other differences contributing to your problems. Have you gone to school while they haven't or the other way around. I have a relationship that I think the fact that I grew where she didn't led to the silent demise of us having any real relationship. Like your friends she will pretend if we see each other. But I know there isn't anything there. I leave the door open but I don't really try in any big way anymore because its clear our friendship isn't a priority to her anymore.
I think at this point I would let it go for awhile and if you want see where things are in six months or a year with one or two you are really close too. Maybe call the girl up to do something specific rather than just hang out. If no one bites and no ones called you I would move on with other people in your lives. It takes two to tango.
Thanks for all your input everyone, It helps to see that others have gone through somewhat similar issues. I'm wondering if maybe I didn't show them enough attention, I did change my focus to my fiance. I just mean I couldn't attend everything that they planned like I used to be able to, but most people cant be there every time a plan is made anyway. I would make it every time I was able to. Maybe I just couldn't meet their expectations anymore. It is nice to know how other people dealt with something like this.
And ChristinS, I never commented that my relationship is blissful, I am only reiterating what she said to my face. She perceived my life to be a certain way by what she saw. I mean, I wouldn't say I have much different of a relationship than most people, but my then fiance/now husband does treat me right, and that is what she had a problem with. I partly stated that paragraph because that friend had been another friend of the high school group many years ago, but got pissed at all of us for different reasons.