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Help Me Get Over This and Tell Me I am Stupid
So when I was married, my DH and I brought together our couple friends. We had a core group that we created. We always made the plans for the group and always included everyone (including single people too).
Well when we got divorced, obviously that group crumbled. But the group included two couples who were my friends before DH so they remained loyal to me and I thought we would all still hang out.
Here is the thing...now those two couples? They hang out all the time together and do not invite me. They are my closest friends and were my primary group to go out with so it's weird to be left out. The first time I found out was at the beginning of my separation, I found out by accident that they were all having dinner and hanging out right near my apartment and I wasn't invited. I got mad at that point because I felt purposefully left out b/c I was no longer part of a couple. Also, I was mad because it was so early on in my separation that I really needed them to be there for me - not hanging out without me.
They heard me out but didn't feel they did anything wrong. Granted, I cannot dictate who they hang out with and that they must invite me so whatever I got over it. Since then they have hung out lots together and now are planning weekend camping trips and stuff together and for whatever reason like it with just the four of them and they continue to not invite me (even though I am supposedly their best friend and I am the one who introduced all of them).
I try to be understanding but it just makes me so mad anyway. I used to be invited to everything when I was a couple (and they weren't even that fond of my DH) but now suddenly I am single and I just feel like I am no longer wanted. I am out of the loop and out of the group I created. I am such an inclusive person, I invite everyone to everything but they are so exclusive and I just don't understand why now suddenly, I am not invited to these activities that I would love with people I love.
I get they want quality time with just each other, I get it. They click and want couples time. But I still get sad and mad and I guess it's a nice reminder that I am no longer part of that lifestyle. It just sucks they happen to be my bestest friends here. I have other groups of friends who would never do this to me so I mean I have other friends but it is so weird to be left out of a group you formed!!! I understand but I still just get mad at them to the point I don't want to see them at all.
Help me get over this so I don't lose all my friends over this...
Re: Help Me Get Over This and Tell Me I am Stupid
I am sorry, this sucks but I can see both sides of this. Do you really want to be the 5th wheel? Because I know I would not...Can you plan outings with both couples or maybe just the girls instead so you wont be the 5th wheel?
hugs!
Yeah I understand both sides too! I just can't help but be mad though. I just feel so left out! I do hang out with them and I have been the 5th wheel and it's usually okay but that isn't easy either. I think the frustrating part is just knowing I don't actually belong in the whole couples world anymore and this scenario just slaps it in my face so to say.
We do have girl days planned and stuff so I see them and one of the guys in the group is my best friend so he makes one-on-one time with me too. So I mean there are work arounds but just bites to miss out on trips and vacays and other activities they do.
No, I am not going to tell you that you are stupid because you are not.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Friends should not make you feel bad and they would take the time to include you. I would feel the same way if I was shunned from my good friends and was no longer included in the normal activities. Did they say why they didn't include you at the time? Do you spend time with them when it is not a couple event?
It is very normal to feel more vulnerable when going through a separation, after all you had a major change of life event and it takes time to get realigned and heal from trust issues and the like. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Unless the things they're doing together are ballroom dancing and tantric sex classes, there is no reason everyone involved has to be a part of a couple. None whatsoever. At that point, it's just a group, some of whom are involved with each other. People who think everything they do together is a couples' activity make me want to punch them in the kidneys.
So, yeah. I don't like your friends. Sure, maybe they want to do things together and don't want to hang out with you, period, but I don't get this impression at all. Come to think of it, though, the same solution works if that's the case, too.
See, I don't understand both sides. Not when it's about "couple time" and "single people". Unless, like Kuus said, it's an activity where you NEED 2 people to participate. Outside of that - I truly don't get it.
Yes, I like to get together w/ friends "one at a time" at times just so that we can really talk and connect, but all the time? No. And again, definitely not in the light of "OH, we need couple time!".
I'm sorry you're dealing w/ this. It really sucks and makes me side eye them that they can't ever invite you out w/ them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks ladies. The more I thought about this and read your replies, the more I just feel like they are being unnecessarily rude. When I talk to them about it, they make me feel so childish and that I have unrealistic expectations for friends - that there is no such thing as a group of friends, that people always just go out with different people and I shouldn't take offense.
But I just think it's BS because when I was in a couple, I was never left out. And really it feels like they are going out of their way to be exclusionary. I get making plans with people over a shared interest or accidentally forgetting to invite someone or just going along with someone else's plans or doing a very obvious couples only thing but they are intentionally making it so exclusive and intentionally leaving me out time and again. They say they want quality time with each other and I mean I can't really argue that but really, does inviting a few more people or even just me (considering we are "best friends") really just going to screw up the whole night? Especially since I have let them know it hurts my feelings to not be invited...they can't just invite me to be caring and nice and inclusive? I mean really it's just so important they have alone time that it is worth hurting my feelings?
Yeah, obviously I got more mad with time...but I just feel like there is no point arguing with them over it.
You nailed it!
I would be mad and I wouldn't get over it.
Real friends wouldn't exclude you just because you are single.