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Need some unbiased opinions please
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking a minute to read my post and let me know your thoughts, I really appreciate it.
My issue is something I've been dealing with for almost a year and I'm unsure on whether my feelings are justified or if I should bite the bullet and stand down.
My H and I have two children, aged 5 and 3.5 years old. I am an accountant, so I work the typical 9-5, Mon-Fri. My H is a truck driver. Before becoming a truck driver, I urged him to do something with his life as he was at a dead end, labor intensive job working for next to no money. He was going to put his back out before 30 and be SOL for future prospects. He was doing something trucking related for 10 years prior, so it was only natural for him to get his license once we could afford it (the course cost almost $12,000!!).
When he started in the industry, he had a job that put him home most nights (even if it was late) and on the weekends. He disliked that job for reasons that are unrelated to this post. He found another job easily and started out Mon-Fri days as well. He expressed his interest in a more "real trucking job" from the get go, and I encouraged him the best I could to do what he loved because I was so proud of him for making a good choice for us and our children.
After being at his job for about 2 months, they offered him a sleeper truck. He was ecstatic. This meant that he could travel throughout the week for a few nights and be home on the weekends. I was also very happy for him to be doing what he wanted.
Now that it's 10 months later, I'm just tired. I'm tired of parenting our children alone, I'm tired of spending my evenings alone, and I rarely see my friends because when he IS home, all I want to do is spend time with him because I miss him. I'm just plain tired. Instead of being gone 2-3 nights a week, he's usually gone for 4-5.
We live in the country, and by the time the kids are picked up from daycare and we get supper, there's only an hour to spend together until bedtime so I have a hard time fitting in basic errands like grocery shopping, or a short coffee break with a friend. My house is always messy. I work FT, but I also have continuing education courses that I take PT in the evenings through correspondence. I will be continuing to take these course for the next 3-5 years, but I feel like it will take longer because of his career choice.
I know I sound selfish, as I know there are single parents out there and wives with husbands who are stationed overseas who probably work twice as hard as I do - but I still can't help but feel that "this isn't what I signed up for" feeling. On one hand, I am so proud of my H for stepping out of his comfort zone and achieving something that was very important to him, but on the other hand I feel slighted because I'm supporting his dreams while putting mine on the backburner while also maintaining our house and home and everything that goes with it. It isn't a healthy way to feel, which is why I'm seeking some unbiased thoughts on the situation.
It is possible an option for him to find a job where he is home every night again, but I feel guilty for even asking him to.I just don't feel like it's fair to put that kind of pressure on him or to make him uphappy at his job, but I just feel like I'm unhappy in my day to day life in order to accomodate him. I also feel that I encouraged him to do what he loves, and now that he is, I would be a bad person for asking him not to do it anymore. I don't care that he is making more money. Money doesn't make me happy. Time with my H does. A break from the kids does. Having someone else to wash dishes more than once a week does. Having a balanced life does.
I miss my H. The kids miss H. They act out because they miss him. However, I don't know whether or not it is fair to ask him to leave a job he enjoys for my sanity. We've talked about it before but I'm not sure he understands how tiring this is becoming for me.
He missed our DS's 5th birthday last week (and mine, but whatever). I was really sad. Our son didn't seem overly bothered, which made me ever more sad.
Re: Need some unbiased opinions please
It may not be what you signed up for, but you did encourage him to take the job he has, so ...
Also, it sounds like scheduling yourself to get everything done might be a good idea for you. I am a single mom and I know it helped me and my son to know what to expect each day. For example, Tuesdays we'd go out to eat (someplace cheap, but fun ... usually he picked McDonalds). We'd go right after daycare, so when we got home we could just settle in. DS liked helping me with grocery shopping if I let him pick the fruits. So that solved that issue. I am also working full time and finishing up my MBA, so I know what a crazy schedule is like. To see my friends, I either schedule lunches with them during the work week or invite them over for dinner with me and my kids. They know my situation is nuts, and it is important to them that they see me, too, so they don't mind.
That said, you have to talk to him and tell him you aren't happy in this situation. When you do, don't say things like "the kids act out because they miss you." That's just begging for a fight, and you based on their ages, they are at the age where kids test limits, so chances are they'd be acting similarly even if your dh was home more.
I don't know why you feel guilty asking him to be a partner in your marriage. As I see it, he's gotten everything he wanted and you're the only one who has sacrificed (well, you and the kids). It's time to compromise so you can enjoy your life too.
I think you're talking out of both sides of your mouth here. You encouraged him to take this career choice and then supported him when he took this job. Now that it's crunching in on your plans you want him to give it up.
Are these continuing education courses something you can put off a bit?
IDK but I'm getting the distinct impression from the tone and wording of your posts that you aren't trying to have a partnership. It seems you tell him what to do and then when it doesn't work out the way you wanted him to, you want him to give it up. Also, I'm hard pressed to believe you couldn't make things work better if you really wanted to. I understand if you don't want to but you need to be honest with yourself. Because the way I see it, if you try to go to your H with your sad sack, woe is me, I can't see my friends because I've never heard of the whole babysitter concept, letting the kids stay up a little later if I really miss spending time with them, or taking my kids along with me when necessary, I'm not sure you're going to get any luck.
Also, to tell the truth, in this economy, he might not be able to find a new job so easily.
I think you should talk to him about your feelings. But if he's putting in his time at the house, making a decent income, and being an equal parent when he can, I think you'll need to make adjustments to your vision for a while.
Click me, click me!
Also, I'm willing to bet your kids aren't "acting out" as much as acting as befitting their ages. Kids always feel more badassy between 5pm and bedtime but it's usually a measure of how tired/annoyed we are as parents that makes it feel like they have some kind of agenda.
For the record, I think it's perfectly normal and acceptable to feel overwhelmed and to talk to your husband about your feelings and I think you absolutely should do that. But I think there are more solutions available to you before he up and quits a job he loves. You should think about exploring those options.
Click me, click me!
I have questions.
Have you expressed to your H that your his job situation isn't working out for you as you had hoped when you encouraged him to go for it, while stopping short of saying you're flat-out miserable already? Does he have any inkling you are less than happy? Have you told him how much you miss him? What does he think/say about all this?
What does your H do with his time when he is home on weekends? What are you typically doing on weekends? What are the kids doing?
Finally, not a question but an observation, I am a FT working parent and I never even attempt to fit in grocery shopping or socializing with friends during the week. I don't even try, and I can't say as I miss it, or else why would I have brought chidren into a two-working-parent household? Those things I do exclusively on weekends when H can be with the kid.
Thank you again for some outside perspective on our situation, it was just what I needed.
H and I are pretty open with each other, and we`ve both voiced concerns. He shares some of those concerns and understands where I'm coming from, but it's hard to come to a solid conclusion after all of these talks because it's not like I'm going to give him an ultimatum. We share our lives and I would never "force" him into anything and I apologize if it came off that way. Sometimes it`s just hard to hold on to the idea that this is temporary. We have commitments in the next several months that don`t put him changing jobs an option, and I think more of my emotions earlier came from this reality than the fact that he`s never around. I know he`ll make a switch, it`s just a matter of when more than anything. I just don`t want it to be 5 years from now and we`re both like "oh crap, our kids are halfway grown up".
Just for the record, I understand that children have their moments after a busy day in the evenings when they are home. I have two who have taught me very well. But when I say "they act out" because he's not here, that's me knowing my children enough to be able to distinguish whether they are upset simply because they are overwhelmed vs. being upset because they straight up miss their dad. Just wanted to clarify what I intended to say with that point.
So out of curiosity, what does distinguish between kids being kids and straight up missing their dad as they put it.
And you know there are other reasons kids drive you BSC besides being overwhelmed or missing someone. Yanno, like being kids, yes?
Click me, click me!
I think driving a truck can be addictive. I have a friend who drives, and he seems to love it. Heck, sometimes I wish I had offered to work as a team with him years ago.
As long as he is over the road, this is the life you will have. The kids are young and it's hard, but it will get a little easier as they get older, but what have you done to adjust to try to make it work better?
I agree with whoever said that as a working mom, there are alot of things we'd like to do that we don't do during the week. Visiting with friends becomes a lunch date, and When grocery shopping we find a way to include the kids so they are complete hellions in the store. A 5 yr old can help with things around the house, and help entertain his younger sibling.
Yes, we've discussed it at length on multiple occasions. He gets it. He's understanding and supportive of my feelings. But when it actually comes to taking leaps, my H isn't exactly the bravest of the bunch. He gets into a comfort zone, and it can be hard for him to just go for it. It's hard for him to make changes within his working life, but he's gotten better in recent years (so I applaud him for that). I know he will make the switch, it's just getting the timing right. Today I was feeling overwhelmed because of the reality that he needs to wait for a minimum amount of time before looking for another job. We aren't concerned about his prospects of finding another job (and he would never leave this one before securing another one).
On the weekends, I typically spend most of my free time studying. By free time, I mean anything that's not dedicated to cleaning, running errands, commuting (we live 35 minutes from the city), etc. which can take up a lot of time in themselves. H is great at giving me time when I need it, but we also like to spend time doing things all together as a family. I don't want to kids to have just one of us during the week, and then just one of us on the weekends so I forego some time I would maybe otherwise take for myself. Maybe that's too high of an expectation, but some of my best times growing up came from moments I spent with my entire family together.
I think it's great that it sounds like your communication is solid -- that's terrific, considering how much time you spend apart.
I get what you are saying about activities with the whole family. What if you just aspired to doing those things every other weekend, or even once a month? Still lots of great memories for the kids, but less short-term pressure on everyone week-to-week.
I think based on where you are at with your H, you could say something like, "I'm not sure this is how I can envision the rest of our lives, but I can commit to holding up my end of the way things are now for another 2 years [both kids in school by then]. At that point, we need to both be ready to be very open and honest to revisiting our circumstances."
I'd do as HS suggested and slow down your continuing education stuff for the next couple of years. Pick up a new hobby for yourself that you can do in the evenings during the week, or just enjoy the downtime with nothing in particular to do. You deserve it!
ETA: You also didn't quite say what your H is typically doing on the weekends -- is he grocery shopping? Taking the kids on adventures? Doing chores around the house/yard? Playing videogames? What does he do with no particular prodding from anyone else?
This post has nothing to do with who my kids are or how they act so I'm a bit confused on your interest in the one particular comment I made. I can't help but feel that maybe you're trying to find a flaw in my parenting to flame me on for some reason.
I made a statement that I am comfortable making: I know my children enough (because yanno, they are my children, yes?) to understand that they act differently because they miss their daddy and I don't see why you feel the need to try and have me justify that to an internet stranger who knows nothing about my parenting.
Oh lord, slow your roll, lady. I have three kids of my own, two of which I raised during my H's three deployments. I'm not saying you have bad ass kids. I'm saying that kids of all ages act special for often for no reason whatsoever. But I do think it manipulative to suggest that if only daddy were home more often, they'd be good.
Click me, click me!
This stage in our relationship is new to us. If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would be mostly OK being apart for 5 nights a week, I probably would have laughed at you. We're able to be in this place in our relationship because of our communication, so we're really blessed that we don't have any other underlying issues, like trust.
I agree that I need to slow down. I have a hard time with that sometimes, as I tend to be a type A personality.
As for school, I may be being stubborn, but I won't put it off. In the next five years, my income will easily increase by at least 50% by completing my education. This will sounds crazy to internet strangers, but after my father passed away when I was 8, leaving my mother (who was a SAHM) with 3 young girls to raise, I've been determinded to ensure that I can make enough money to provide a decent life for the kids should something happen to H. Morbid, I know - but important to me.
Thanks again for the insight everyone, I feel better about it already. I didn't have the best day, and those are the hardest to get through without some support.
can you outsource some of this?
you say he is making more money - but the house is a mess. get a housecleaner.
can you order your groceries online or from the store and pay for delivery?
can you hire a babysitter for one evening a week and meet up with friends?
if you really think you are going to be unhappy long-term and it just isn't how you thought it would be when you first supported it with your husband, i think you have to be honest with him and explain what would make you happy long term.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Again, if I didn't clarify it in my second or third response to this - I did not intend it to come off that way. Of course the kids still act out when H is home. They'll do it whether they're with me, him, my parents, my sister, or their babysitter. They're kids, they're not perfect. What I meant by it was that they are directly affected emotionally by missing their dad, which in kids, usually transfers directly into their behavior in some circumstances. You're reading into an issue that isn't there, as I thought I had already clarified.
Typically on the weekends, he tries to be helpful. He'll help out with some of the cleaning, or take the kids out of the house for a morning, but usually has to be prodded. He's tired from a long week too, so it's hard to say "go out and do 10 things I didn't have the energy to do this week" because I feel that he deserves his downtime too. I think it's tiring us both out.
hmmm This is interesting because one could argue that asking your H to scale back would lessen his ability to do the same.
Also, as fuss said, there is life insurance.
Click me, click me!
I like Fuss's advice. Keep the communication with your H open, but also be completely honest with yourself. How long can you keep this going? 6 months? 3 years? Set goals related to this. Sometimes, just knowing that you have an end date can help ease the stress.
PPs have also given some great suggestions for ways to simplify your life. I think I would sit down and make a list of my priorities, focus on those, and decide that it's ok to let some things slide a bit or to get outside help.
GOod luck.
I would look into getting some help during the week, honestly. See about grocery delivery (has to be cheaper than all that gas you spend). Get a housekeeper to help with the house. Also, once in a while you can get a sitter for the kids.
I know you said you were type A-- let some things go & your need to have control. You don't have to martyr yourself to perfection. There is help available, so take it.
I do understand it would be nice for Daddy to be home with the kids. Can you arrange skype or facetime with him before bed for them? Doesnt have to be long but maybe he can read a story over Skype? My mom does that for Abby to have Grandmama time & it is a lot of fun considering she lives across the country from us.
On weekends your husband should do something with the kids. Yes, he is tired but so are you. It's time to suck it up (like you do when he is gone) & make it happen. Life is hectic enough for you without you insisting on doing everything yourself. Good luck & be flexible, it will save your sanity in the long run.
Ok- my DH works on a tugboat and his schedule is 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off. Now, the 2 weeks he's "On", he does get home sometimes, but it's totally unscheduled and we can never plan around it. So - I have to plan on being a single mom for those 2 weeks. EVERYTHING falls to me.
(And this is after he was an attorney - so HUGE lifestyle change and HUGE income change (as in, he makes a LOT less than he used to)).
That being said - I have to agree w/ a lot said here. Hire a cleaning person. Seriously- it's WONDERFUL and takes a huge burden off. Ditto the food delivery. I don't do this,, but if it was the only way I could get shopping done, I would!
And definitely hire a sitter for a night during the week to allow yourself the time to get out and either see friends or run errands. My parents watch DS Wed/Thurs and keep him overnight Wed night. That gives me that night to do whatever I want. IT's wonderful.
Lastly- we actually just started using FaceTime last week. LOVE IT!!!! DS LOVES it. EVen if DH gets home during his "on" time, it's often after DS goes to bed - so to DS, it's been 5 days since he saw daddy! And he absolutely misses him. But being able to do FaceTime is GREAT.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with everyone above. Also have you considered moving? You have bemoaned now in your OP and in subsequent responses that you live SOOOOO far from town that it is hard to do grocery shopping and such. If your commute is such a hinderence I would consider moving to where things are more convenient. I am sure you love your rural life and all but something has to give. If you got the kids home sooner, then the night routine might seem easier. If a grocery store was 5 mins away it might lighten up the chore. Also housecleaning and babysitting might also be easier and less expensive.
I would:
1) Set an end date. Figure out how much longer you can do this for, and then approach your H and negotiate a timeline around that. Prepare to be flexible, but also let him know you DO need an end date.
2) Think outside the box regarding ways to make life easier in the meantime. If H is making money you don't need, then use it to pay a cleaner, hire a babysitter, etc. It sounds like you're running yourself into the ground and you need help, so go get that help. Even a Wednesday night sitter who feeds the kids pizza while you grocery shop, do schoolwork, go to a coffee shop with a book, meet up with a friend, or even watch TV in bed with the door shut sounds like it could be a huge help.
I have full sympathy for the fact that your situation is less than ideal and you do a lot, and you have every right to feel tired and overwhelmed. That said, you also need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and be proactive in finding ways to sustain this lifestyle for a bit, becuase you did encourage him, and it is what's best for your family for right now.