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Spending time with crabby relatives :(
Any suggestions? DH and I cannot figure out if it is something we are doing. We don't think so but.... we are lost.
Short version: FIL is crabby and seems unhapy, and to not be enjoying himself when he visits. Often when we visit them (he and MIL are divorced but live in same city) he will at the last minute decide we shouldn't stay with him.
More details:
We live 3 hours from FIL. He came for the day yesterday. He doesn't plan well at all, and he is SOOOOOO passive aggressive.
I will way something like "FIL, its fine with us however long you want to stay, we really are flexible. But it would help us plan if you could just let us know when you plan to head home. Are you going to stay for dinner or not?". And he won't tell us! He hems and haws and won't just answer. Then dinnertime comes and goes, we go eat, and he isn't happy about it (but he doesn't come out and say anything, it is all subtle comments).
Or, last time we saw him, DD was at a really horrible phase with restaurants. She was just crabby and awful, so we avoided them for a while. No big deal. FIL wanted to go out for breakfast, he kept bringing it up, I kept saying no, that isnt going to work for the kids, but I will be happy to either make a big meal at home, or you and DH can go out yourselves. He won't make a decision, so I finally decide to just have normal breakfast at home. As we are driving to the zoo, he says "look there's a Perkins, lets all stop and get breakfast.". OMG, head explodes.
It isn't all food related, those are just the 2 examples I can think of. It is everything. So we are left feeling like we can't do anything right, he is never happy, and we are crappy hosts. I honestly think he either doesn't like the kids (fine whatever, not everyone does. But when you visit us..... we have kids. sorry!). Or he is just a miserable person in general, and it is nothing personal. DH is on the same page as me, btw. We are both puzzled.
Re: Spending time with crabby relatives :(
I can understand that when you're living in it, it's annoying.
But what I'm seeing is someone who isn't a decision maker but yet likes things to go a certain way.
As far as not making decisions, stop asking him. If you know he'll hem and haw, don't bother asking but at the same time, don't change your plans either. He waits to the last minute to decide to stay but you have something to do? Don't cancel. Keep your plans and he'll just have to deal with it.
The restaurant - here is a situation where he actually told you what he wanted to do, but you said "no". Trust me- I totally understand why you said no, but still- he voiced an opinion and it was shot down.
Next time, don't give him more options. He wants to go out? Then DH goes out w/ him while you stay home. Don't put it on him to decide because he won't and then he'll be upset anyhow.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So....did you stop at Perkins? If yes, then you know why he doesn't make a decision when it is appropriate - b/c he can make them whenever he wants and you'll do it anyway.
With the breakfast, it REALLY seems as if he wanted to go out to eat, and you shot that idea down and gave him a choice instead. He wanted breakfast out, he didn't want a "big breakfast at home." You knew that - so I"m not sure why you were tearing your hair out after that.
Since your FIL doesn't do well with choices and is not really helping you out at all, I'd just make choices that YOU and DH can live with. For example, instead of asking if he is staying for dinner or not (a choice), TELL him "we are having hamburgers for dinner, you are welcome to stay for dinner if you want." Don't give him a choice. Just plan dinner as usual until it's time to sit down. He can stay or go, and the worst that can happen is that you've made an extra burger and cole slaw.
If YOU need to plan, then do so and let him live with the consequences of his own actions He frequently tells you last minute that you can't stay with him as planned? Stop making plans to stay with him. Stay with MIL or a hotel. If he complains, tell him "we need to plan our trips, and it's too hectic for us when you always change your mind."
I would also say, realize that even the best, most wonderful host cannot make a guest happy if they don't want to be. Your FIL likes to complain. He does it whether he gets a say in the activities / dinners / etc. or not. So just start doing what works for you and let your FIL adjust. Or not. Last weekend I had friends over and I burned the brownies I made horribly. It was no big deal (even though the house smelled wonderful, the brownies were like bricks). Everyone just laughed and ate something else.
Nope, we did NOT stop. I guess I should have just "made" FIL and DH go out to eat themselves. I didn't bc I was annoyed at FIL and decided that if a grown man can't pick what he wants for breakfast, he can eat the damn cheerios. DH is somewhat undecided himself when he feels like he is trying to make sure his dad has a good visit. Which we need to just let go of that, I guess. I have an easier time with that than DH since I have a lot less invested in the relationship.
With staying at his house, it has happened twice now, and at this point when we go in June we will not even consider staying with FIL.
TRUST ME - I get it. I'd be annoyed too, and especially having a young child - going out can often be too much work.
But - this above is kind of sending mixed signals. You want him to make a decision, he does, but then it's shot down because it's not what YOU want to do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But the thing is, when he said "let's all go out to Perkins" she said no because of the issue with the kids. She's allowed to say no and did. And it sounds like she explained it. The only "choice" was to go with his son or eat at home. The repeated passive-aggressive bit came-in when he wouldn't pick a preference and then mentioned it AGAIN when they passed it. That sounds like a really difficult guest. It's okay if she wants him to make decisions within some parameters that also make sense for the rest of the family.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10