Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My mom
I need some advice on how to deal with her... We had a bunch of family in town this weekend, including my aunt and uncle that I'm very close with. Her feelings are currently very hurt because she feels like I "ignore" her when they are around. I live 20 minutes from her right now. I see them probably 3 times a year, so of course I'm going to talk to them when I see them. In return, she treats them really badly; she rolls her eyes whenever my uncle speaks, and she snapped at my aunt a bunch of times, which I think is incredibly rude. Do you think I am being unreasonable?
The background on my mom is that she takes basically everything personally. When I told her that I was moving out of state, she took down all of the pictures of her kids in her house and spent an entire month talking about how she is now "childless". Meanwhile, my (younger) brother and sister have lived at least 1,000 miles away during their adulthoods. She wouldn't talk to me for a week because I said she couldn't be in the delivery room when I have my baby, and she still won't commit to a time to come down and see the baby after it's born... Not that I'm asking her to, but she made a big deal about "being there for me" but now won't say when she's coming.
I love my mom, but she inspires the most conflicting emotions in me. If she weren't my mom, I probably wouldn't be even associating with her at this point.
We, we like to party.
Re: My mom
I go 2 ways on this. First - did you say this to her:
I see them probably 3 times a year, so of course I'm going to talk to them when I see them.
If so, what did she say?
Past that, I don't know how much I'd really interact/ try to rationalize w/ her when she's in this mood. I'd withdraw and just say "call me when you work this out". I don't know what you presently do, but I just wonder if pulling away from her (and basically not reacting) will get her ot realize that basically her behavior isn't getting her the attention she wants.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I told her that, and her response was, "Well, you talk to them on the phone all the time." Which is actually not true because they travel internationally for work, but she wouldn't listen to that. She just kept insisting that I was purposefully trying to hurt and ignore her.
Dr. Joy Brown says that with people like this the best way to handle them is to be cheerful and stupid.
the more you argue/defend/explain, she's getting something from it. I'd just stop playing the game.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ugh, ribth, that sound tough (and pretty much exactly like my mom.)
I've started the "I'm not arguing about this/moving on/ignore" method that ECB had, and let me tell you in the beginning it was like WWIII just started. I was suddenly evil and worthless and fat and ugly and every other mean thing she could possibly think to say including that I would need her again when I moved back home because I was too irresponsible to pay my bills. Eventually, though, it started working and now it's just like "yeah, not arguing about this, goodbye" (if I'm on the phone) or walking in the other room (if in person.) She's still slightly insufferable but not as bad as it once was.
L!!! She does that, too, with the personal attacks. She told me my face looked fat when I told her I was done with the conversation.
Thanks for all of the advice. I needed some reassurance that I wasn't wrong in wanting to limit contact with her. I feel guilty for thinking things like this about my mom, but my H pointed out that I wouldn't let anyone else treat me like that (he is really frustrated with her, too). I hope that I never treat my daughter like this, even unintentionally.
To the personal attacks, I'd start saying "That's hurtful and I'm not going to listen to it" and then walk away/ hang up. Again- just shut it down.
And your DH is right.
ALSO - you have to remember that being a "mom" doesn't magically make a person perfect. we're all just people before we become parents! And unfortunatley, that means that messed up/ whacky people put these issues onto their kids. Being a "mom" doesn't negate her from being a nice, decent human. You absolutely can hold her to the same standard as yo uwould anyone else
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
WTF? Your face looks fat? Her face looks fat.
<----Probably not helpful.
Are you and November sisters?
You are totally right in feeling the way you do and I am not sure how you have put up with her this long. I agree with your H, you would not let anyone else treat you like this so she should be no exception. But I get that it is your mom and having had my own past issues, I understand where you are coming from.
I would limit interaction and try my best to ignore the crazy.
Ribth, I feel like we've got the same mom (are we the same person? that'd be weird.) I actually told my mom once (in anger, which was so not right and totally lowering myself to her level) that if she was just a friend, I would have cut her out a long time ago for being toxic. That went over well.
You're doing the right thing. It's hard as heck, and it hurts before it gets better (in relation to the personal attacks, etc) but it does get better. I won't tell you my mom is perfect or doesn't say/do any of the mean/stupid/whatever things anymore, but it's a lot easier to deal with them when they happen.
Just keep in mind that you aren't actually personally attacking her and what you're doing is normal (moving, etc etc) so this is her issue, not yours. You just have to deal with the aftermath.
sounds like your brother and sister have the right idea.
Listen, life has dealt you a really horrible mom. However, at a certain point you have to do what is best for yourself and your family. You can't keep her in your life when she treats you like this. You just can't. What are you going to do when she calls you fat and ugly in front of your child ? What are you going to do when she calls your child fat and ugly ? Seriously, this will happen. So what are you planning on doing ?