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insecurities are killing us!
We have been dating for 3 years I keephoping he will propose already but i know I cant push him. This little disagreement on engagement timing and everything leave me feeling a bitinsecure. His family life is not the greatest but he gets the support and love from me and my family. Recently we have been going through a major rut we are still very loving of one another and supportive but i have been feeling as if "im not good enoug", "he can do so much better",why hasent he cheated on me , could he really love me that much", "why does he have so much faith in us, but then no BIG moves like engagement have been made". Most of the thoughts have no reasoning behind them he has never done anything hurtful to me he is always sweet and awesome of course we fight all couples do.My past relationships have been horrible and he is the first good guy i have ever met so much that sometimes i feel as though im just waiting for something to happen.
Recently I am attempting to finish off my masters and asked him if he thought it would be way to much to handle me being in school he said of course not and that he would be supportive but before i got the courage to tell him about it i was insecure and upset for a whole week. My insecurities I know come from past relationships but does anyone have any advice on what to do I really love my boyfriend and dont want to drive him nuts with my insecurities.
Re: insecurities are killing us!
You shouldn't be waiting for him to propose. Getting married is a big decision, one made by two people, not one. Have you two talked about getting married, and what timeframe?
As far as the insecurities in general, though, what changed? You've been together for three years, and you only started feeling frantic recently? Even if it seems silly and unrelated, what happened around the time you started feeling this way?
So what is his time frame like for when he would like to see you two married?/engaged? I hope you've talked about this and aren't just waiting or telling him when you want to see it happen. You need to know his full opinion too.
Do you have anxiety about other things as well? Have you ever talked to someone about this stuff? Therapist? It's okay to have some insecurities but if they're effecting you're entire relationship you might want to think about seeing someone.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
We have discussed the time frame beofore we had amajor conversation about it we gave like a date june 1st but then he explained that he hated that because he felt it took away the role of the man where he has to plan it and decide when it will happen and how. So after that discussion he said sometime in the summer. But every time i bring it up he tells me I'm trying to rush and have it plannedmyself when its hisjob. understandable.
well i guess they started last year we took a break after a fight it was about a 3 month break we still spoke everyday and saw eachother twice a week (we dont live together) but he was mostly upset with me and felt like he was under too much stress with school. he kept saying he wanted to end the break but was afraid that the two of us being under crazy stress would just start the little fights up again, and that he hated the fighting and he missed when we were just able to relax and talk about everythingand anything non school or work related. during this timepre break he was trying tofinish his graduate degree and pass his praxis exam and i was having a horribly loaded semester with full work and full classes plus i was on and off sick and constantly cranky and he was developing anxiety and depression from the stress.
But after the break we became closer than ever and everything was fine until we started talking about engament which was in august 2011. he started brining up marriage and engaement and how he wants tostart our lives and we had to start going to church so that i could get use to the religion (which doesnt really matter to me) but then the talking started coming from my end and all the sudden he was defensive about me not letting him figure it out and just being patient so it kind of made me feel like the whole need to do it as a man excuse is to hide something he is really afraid of like something about me that he is not sure he wants to marry.
Because i love him. We both have crazy families and through it all we have become eachothers safe houses from both families.He is the one person I feel i can say anything to and talk about anything with. He watches over my health more than I do (I'm a whee bit careless when it comes to my heart condition). he makes me feel warm, safe and secure. he was the push to my career he stood by me through every aspect of it even now when im dreading finishing the last of my schooling he supports me and gives me the tough love push I seem to need. because we love some of the same things yet have so many things that are differ on, because where I am impatient he is patient (because of this i really think he taught me how to be more patient and better all my other relationships family etc). He makes me smile without trying, hes clumsy and corky but mostly he makes me better not only as a person to others but also to myself.
Dont get me wrong I dont want to rush in and get married next week I just want to know that he isnt doubting something . He brought up the engagement thing (i will admit i got excited and my impatientness got the best of me, and i may push on something he may want to do in his own way).
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I think Kuus is saying a lot of good things. Listen to her.
Also, if you two talked about a time frame to get engaged (which is totally reasonable since it is a decision you both have to make), and now he is backing out on that one, I think you have larger issues. After three years, he should be able to give you a reasonable time frame for that if he really intends on marrying you. You might have different times in mind and can compromise to pick a time you are both comfortable with. And he can say something like, "It will happen this summer." so that you know it is in the works and can stop bugging him about it, but he will feel like the man and get to plan it.
I am guessing your insecurities stem from his inability to actually commit to you after this long.
You need to get yourself and your head straightened out as an individual before you get married. As someone who did things to make her parents happy far too long into adulthood, you need to cut that sh!t out.
If something is this hard, then don't do it. And don't marry someone just because he remembers your heart medication for you, FFS.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Ditto allll of this.
Honey, I just don't think you're ready to be married and I don't think this is the right relationship for you. Or that you're ready for a relationship. I think you want to get married because you think that's what it's time for.
Click me, click me!
This. You said you guys took a break because you were stressed. Life is going to bring a lot more of that and you can't take a break from marriage. And you admit you're careless about your own heart condition. If you can't bring yourself to take care of yourself on that basic a level, you have other things going on you need to deal with LONG before you get married to anyone. Please rethink this whole idea. You don't want to end up trapped in a relationship you're not ready for.
I agree with PPs who say that if you can't take care of yourself, you have no business getting married. You may be a good swimmer, but marriage isn't a backyard pool. You can respect someone's beliefs and not participate in them. If a man tells you who he is, believe him. Neither one of you are ready to be married.
Please, please, please work on yourself before you get married- to anyone. Just because you're in your early twenties doesn't mean you HAVE to get married.