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How to Deal?
Hi loves! Sorry I haven't been around much...I'm always on FB!
So I'm having a weird "don't quite know what to do" scenario, and I know you girls are the best people to ask for advice and was hoping hearing something from you girls would help me out...
Over Easter, I was a bit surprised by the news that my best friend (since we were 12) is a lesbian, has had a girlfriend for 3 years that she's hidden from me, and that they are moving in together and planning to get married and have kids in the near future. 20 minutes after that I was meeting her girlfriend without much time to soak in the news.
I am fully supportive of her and her life. If this is what makes her happy and this is what's right for her, I am absolutely 100% behind her and supporting her. Love knows no boundaries.
Here's my dilemma. I'm having a really hard time with the fact that I was lied to for 3 years...and that I was the very last person she told. I'm really hurt by that fact, especially because she used it as her excuse for having not been there for me when Conner was born (not even coming to my shower...she apparently lied about a wedding she had that day), and not having spoken to me much before he arrived. On top of all of that...I don't like her girlfriend. I'm having a major issue with the fact that I feel like her girlfriend is taking advantage of her and using her in several ways. And I don't want to see her hurt because we all know love can be blind.
I'm trying really hard to look past it all, but it's painful to know that she kept such a secret from me...and it's upsetting to feel like she's being taken advantage of. I can't speak up and say something because that will push her away for sure...but I'm having a hard time with it all.
How would you deal with this??
Re: How to Deal?
Wow, this must have been a surprise.
It seems as though there are 2 issues here. The first is the lying. The second is that you don't like the girlfriend and have some concerns.
First, the lying. She may not look at it as all lies, just avoiding the truth. She was lying by omission though. This issue on its own may change your friendship if you feel like you cannot trust her. I think you have every right to let her know that you are upset that she hid the truth and avoided you. She put on the barrier between the two of you by not trusting you in the first place and then lying to avoid you, particularly during a time in your life when you would think she would want to be there for you and support you. I think it is something you need to share with her when it is just the two of you.
Second, the concerns about the girlfriend. I honestly don't think you can voice these concerns at this time. Sharing your concerns when she has not asked for them is bound to make her angry and defensive. For this part of the situation, I think you can just be there for her if some of your concerns end up being major problems.
I hope some of these ramblings help. Good luck with this!
I agree with a lot of that advice. In terms of the first issue, speak out. In terms of the second issue, don't. At least not yet. Wait until you've fully absorbed the news, aren't resentful about her lying, etc., before you decide whether or not you like her gf. A lot of your dislike could subconsciously stem from resentment.
That aside, I'm sorry she lied to you and put you in this position. It really sucks that she ditched you during the birth of your son. I'd bring all of this up to her, if she's really your BFF. That said, don't forget how scary it must have been for her to come out to you. Even if she didn't think you'd judge, that's a big thing to admit to someone. Especially someone who has known you for a long time, and who you're afraid of losing. I'm with you on this one, but don't forget to put yourself in her shoes!
Val- I can relate to you in a few ways. My best friend is also a lesbian and I don't like her girlfriend/fiance either. Although I learned about 8 years ago that my BFF was gay she didn't hide it from me for 3 years. Several months, while she was discovering that it was how she really felt, yes but not years.
Her sexuality and the way she went about "exploring", "choosing", what ever you want to say, took a real toll on our relationship. She pulled back and began hanging out with a new group of friends and I was never allowed in b/c I was straight and it hurt me a lot so I pulled away. We didn't talk for about 3-4 years after. Then one day we both realized we were being childish and that we truly missed the bond we shared and both extended the olive branch. We went on to her being an Aunt to my step-kids, and her being the MOH in my wedding. We now are able to go weeks with out talking and months with out seeing each other knowing that we're still BFF's. This paragrpah has gotten a little lengthy but I wanted to try and explain why she might have pulled away from you for a while. I'm not making excuses but wanted to share that it happened with me too.
As for not liking her g/f. I think my bff's g/f is a nice person but I don't like her. I think she is lazy, I think she uses my bff, and she has rubbed me and my family (DH, My mom, My cousins- my bff was almost adopted by my parents so she's more like a sister/daughter to us than just my bff) the wrong way on more than 1 occasion. Jess knows that we all have a small issue with her g/f, but we don't let her know how much we don't like her. If she can see the good in her g/f and look past everything she's done to hurt her and what she does to her on a weekly basis then that's on her. We just sit back and support Jess is any way that we can b/c we love her and want her to be happy, even if it means she marry's her g/f.
I hope what I wrote makes sense. Just know, you're not alone in dealing with this. I know we're friends on FB and I'm on there way more than I'm on TN, so feel free to message me if you want to talk with someone who knows exactly how you're feeling, with no judgement ever being passed.
You Grew in My Heart instead of My Tummy
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Three years is a long time to hide something- keep the issues separate (the hiding/lying & the dislike of the GF).
My BFF from birth to high school kept something from me, despite the rest of the world knowing- and it kind of ruined our friendship for a while. We were headed down different life paths anyway, but I was disappointed in the way everything played out at the time. I did NOT like her BF the first time I met him, and she always thought I was just simply jealous. It had nothing to do with jealousy, and more to do with the fact he was an all around jerk and treated her horribly! However, she was still infatuated with him & it wasn't until her family fell out of love with him that she was able to understand my concerns.
Tread lightly- talk to her about why you are hurt that she kept a big part of her life hidden from you & why she lied to you. I'm guessing she was afraid of what you and your family would think more so than anyone else. Get your relationship on track before you talk to her about your concerns for her GF.
Good luck!