Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice Requested
I would love some advice from all of you. A friend of mine is getting married in less than a year to a guy who has gotten nastier and nastier every time I see him. He expects her to cook, clean, and take care of the house while he lounges around. He makes very little money and spends all of hers to the point she has no money for wedding vendors. Worst of all, he has an awful temper and throws tantrums where he storms out of her house and then sulks for days. She refuses to make him sign a prenup or get counseling.
I am actually part of the second group of brdiesmaids - the first group fought with her about him and she cut them out of her lives. This is where I need advice - would you rather have a friend who tries to stop your wedding, or one who, by keeping her mouth shut, is there for you when it all hits the fan? I have tried talking to her in a non-combative way, but she just makes excuses for him. I feel sick at the thought of standing in their wedding knowing how badly it will likely end.
Any thoughts are appreciated. I think I'm too close to the situation to see clearly any more.
Re: Advice Requested
You talk a lot about how awful this guy is, but let's be honest here - your friend has chosen this man to marry. Why? I'd say if you can't be honest with her and feel sick about standing up for this marriage than don't. Speak up and move on. She's a grown woman so you have to accept that she has made this choice and the only thing you have control over is yourself and your actions.
Your question is whether or not to say something and try to get her to see how awful he is or just stay quiet and be there when she needs you. My automatic response is to be there when she needs you. We've all been in a situation where people have negative opinions but we don't need to hear that- we just need someone there to help us pick up the pieces. So I say if you want to remain friends with her then just be there for her.
On the other hand if you find yourself run down by the relationship because of him then you also have to be aware of what is best for you. I've had to cut friends out before because I simply don't need the drama or immaturity they bring to my life. I simply made a conscious decision to surround myself with positive people - and that is a decision based on my own needs, not the needs of the friend.
If you decide to remain in the friendship then my opinion/advice is that you just be there for her and not add your name to the list of people she doesn't feel comfortable discussing the topic of her future husband with- that list is obviously long enough.
The thing is - being a bridesmaid isn't cheap. Some people wish they had reserved the bridesmaid role to only a few, select weddings, instead of saying "yes" to the couples who got married that (a) they aren't that close to anymore or (b) don't support the union.
You'll most-likely fork over a lot of money, so it's OK to ask yourself if you will have fun being a bridesmaid for this wedding. If the answer is no, then you won't want to regret spending $1000-2000 being a bridesmaid. (Cost of the dress, shoes, hair/makeup/nails, any travel to bridal shower or bachelorette party -- sometimes it's a weekend getaway...)
Seeing as you're a second string bridesmaid I'm guessing this might not be your best friend, but a friend nonetheless. She obviously knows that a lot of her friends don't like her fianc? so its not like you'd be giving her breaking news if you were honest about the situation.
I think I would tell my friend that I want to be her bridesmaid because I support her and want her to be happy but that I didn't like how she was being treated. You don't have to go into details with her if you don't want to, but maybe plant the seed in her mind that you're not his #1 fan, but that you really want to be there for her regardless. That way if (let's be honest...when) this marriage is over she might be able to turn to you for support.
Or she might throw you out of the wedding and move onto round three. I'm guessing you want to avoid this, but I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth completely shut.
She needs to dump him posthaste.
She needs some type of intervention but I am doubtful if it will work. You know how it is....you can't tell them anything.
She's in for a world of trouble.
And you do not have to be in her wedding party. I'd demur and tell her why: it has to do with him.
Sadly, it is a position where you have to be 100% willing to risk your friend if you do say anything.
If you say something and she still marries him, then you become that friend that she won't ever talk to because she knows you hate him.
If you say something and she calls off the wedding based on that, then you run the HUGE risk of her wondering "what if" in the future and blaming you for her regrets.
Also has your friend actually told your herself about all these things (outside of the normal relationship annoyances) OR are these your own personal opinions about that situation based on what you think ? Keep in mind EVERY girl will complain to her friends about what annoys her in a relationship...it doesn't mean that is the only way he acts all the time.
As for the pre-nup/counselling- that is completely HER perogative. Not everyone does these things (I did neither of these things) so not sure why that is an issue. Her marriage, her money, her choice.
She's cut ties to them for either or both of 2 reasons:
1-They have let it be made known he's hideous and she doesn't like the criticism
2-There may be abuse involved and he is isolating her from her friends.
I wouldn't be in a wedding if it is clear that the fiance(e) is a genuine loser. And if i was asked by that person to be in the wedding, I'd say no and tell her why.
A dime says she is paying for the wedding herself. He probably isn't contributing a dime toward anything.
Honestly- and I wish this is advice I didn't have to give you- I'd keep my mouth shut.
I told my best friend that I was pregnant before I told my own parents. She opened her trap and told her boyfriend (they had been out on precisely one date at this point and were suddenly in a relationship) that I was pregnant when i swore her to secrecy. There was something about this guy that I didn't like, and I told her so.
To make a very long story very short, I lost my best friend, my unborn son is minus a godmother, and she's still with the guy.
I blame her, because I was suddenly disposable to her as soon as she got into a relationship. But I also blame him. And I'm not the only person she's done this to.
If you want to keep your friendship, don't say anything. If it doesn't work out, then she'll need you.
She has told me about him, and I have seen it myself. When I try to make small talk and ask how he is she says, "Oh, he is such a controlling ***. Ha ha!" and changes the subject. As to the prenup, I was encouraging it because she is LOADED (family inheritance) and he has zero cash. And yes she is paying for the wedding. Even her engagement ring.
I just hate to think that after more than ten years of friendship, some idiot man could tear us apart!
Yeah, this is what I am leaning towards. I see in him a controller who has already separated her from half her friends and burned what little ties she had left to her family. I don't want to leave her alone in his clutches for the rest of her life!
Wanted to emphasize again that I am not overreacting in how I describe him. He has pulled all of the same antics on ME, trying to dictate what I order at dinner and criticizing the paint colors I chose for my house. I usually say something like, "That's a good suggestion, but I prefer X" and then he gets quiet and STARES at me the rest of the night. She will text me later that he is now ranting about me and she is SO sorry he acted that way, he has had a hard week...!
I am leaning towards staying quiet, but I do appreciate what you are saying. I have a lot of theories on WHY - she thinks she can't do better, she is desperate for a family and baby, she just wants to prove her parents wrong, etc. but it is true that at the end of the day it is her choice. Our mutual friend likened it to the beginning of a drug addiction. Sure she chose that drug, but do we as friends confront her and lose her or hang around until she is ready for help? I just hope he doesn't change HER to the point where she starts to destroy our friendship on her own. At that point, I would have to cut ties.
Ironically, since he pitched a fit over the thought of his guys spending money on a wedding, that isn't an issue. My dress was $25 on sale, we get to wear our own shoes, and she is paying for hair and letting us do makeup. She IS spending a ton of money on the venue etc, but is demanding very little of the wedding party. Kind of sad actually, because I would willingly shell out if I thought she was really happy.