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In-laws & Finances
Recently, my mother in law suggested that we all get together and discuss mine and my husbands "financial plan". On mondays, we all get together for "family home evening"; we spend time together, have dinner and have a fun activity. This particular Monday, she asked that we bring a full print out of our credit reports and for us (her and her husband, me and my husband) to sit down and discuss how we are doing financially.
Lately, she has been really intrusive. She's been making doctors appointments for me (gyno, hepa, gen. practitioner) and to appese her, I've been going. I don't really want to, we don't have the money to and as far as I know, there isn't anything medically wrong with me.
Yet, the financial sit down, has officially drawn the line. My husband was all for it, but, I wasn't. I have school loans that are currently on deferment and a car payment; once or twice, I have over drafted because I had grouped payments to close to each other. We don't live with his parents, we have jobs and we don't ask them for money. I told my husband that I "appreciate the offer but, I honestly believe that it is none of her business". FInancial questions and when she asks me if I'm still on birth control and if not, how are we having sex, is where I draw the line.
Because I did not want to give her my credit report, it became a problem for my husband and we ended up fighting about it. I understand that his parents are very close to us and we love them dearly. I believe there are one or two things in ones marriage that should stay in your marriage.
Am I wrong?
Re: In-laws & Finances
No way in he** would I give her my credit report. Close or not, there are some things you just keep to yourself. I would also stop going to any appointmnets that she makes for you. Make your own and don't let her know that you it's time for your yearly, etc.
Your husband totally agreeing to them going over your finances is just bizarre. He needs to step back and really think about it. If you are not dependent on them for loans, etc., and you live on your own, then your finances are none of their concern. PERIOD.
And please stop sharing with her about your birth control and sexual relationship with your husband. This woman sounds crazy. Just ignore the question or politely tell her that you are not comfortable talking about that topic.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Whoa....who died and left HER Bernie Madoff???
Bring nothing with you...do NOT share any info about your finances. It is simply none of her business.
This is just plain weird. Making doc appointments for you??? Nuh uh...you do NOT "have to" go to appease her -- for love of all holy, set boundaries; she's got you and your H by the short and curlies. her invasiveness is over as of right now.
And if your H will not stand with you on this, bad news. He is suppoed to be a team with you --- and i can see that he isn't one with you based on this:
Because I did not want to give her my credit report, it became a problem for my husband and we ended up fighting about it.
You're partially right on about this, though:
I believe there are one or two things in ones marriage that should stay in your marriage
because what is none of your IL's business is more than just a few things: sex, finances, financial standing, your overall health, kids and when to have them, religion -- I can name quite a few other things that are not their business and not their territory to even encroach upon.
Counseling for you and your H -- he needs to be a team with you. YOU are his family now, not his mom and dad. he needs to get that much through his head.
You need to sit down with your husband and outline the boundaries you two agree on with his parents. Why would you even give your MIL the chance to schedule your ob-gyn appointments, etc.?? If my MIL asked about my BC or pushed me on a certain doctor I wouldn't even entertain the question.
Tell your IL's you don't need their assistance with your personal financial planning, don't bring paperwork to the gathering, and next time MIL brings anything personal up, change the subject. If she questions you on why you're avoiding it tell her that it's personal to you and you will figure it out for yourself.
I would not attend any more family meetings. Seriously, skip next Monday and every Monday dinner until it becomes clear that you won't be providing any financial information.
Also, stop going to the doctor's appointments she is making for you! You are a big girl now, you can manage your life on your own! If you want to go to the doctor, make the plans yourself. It is NOT that hard to say "I"m a grown woman, I can manage my own schedule." Yes, your MIL might be "offended," but it what she is doing is not normal, and you going when she makes an appt. is not normal.
Tell your husband that he provides his parent with any financial information that relates to you, he can stay at mommy's house until he is adult enough to handle his own problems. Ask him if he is concerned about your finances, and if he is, tell him you would be willing to speak to a certified financial planner (they are not cheap, maybe $100-$200 / hour, but they are impartial and well worth it).
Go onto the money board for other ideas.
What's next, if you have trouble conceiving, are you going to have sex in front of mommy so she can be sure you are doing it right?!?!?
In the words of the late, great, Whitney Houston, "Oh Hell to the no!"
I agree with all pp.
Your MIL doesn't belong in your financial or sexual business. Your H needs to understand that. Counseling for you two asap if a sit down chat with him doesn't bring that understanding to him.
Make your own Dr appts! Seriously, you go to appease her? Why?
Repeat after me: "That is a private matter between me and my husband and I am not comfortable sharing that with you." End of story. Lather, rinse, repeat.
What you have described is seriously insane. Do not go to any more doctor's appointments. Do not give her your credit report. Sit down with your husband and talk to him about your situation, and if he can't support you on wanting to keep private stuff private, then you have a big H problem.
I am curious. Have you asked your MIL about her sex life? If so, how does she respond? Who asks anyone else about birth control and sex? I need a stronge word than overbearing to describe your MIL but can't think of one. For the love of all that is holy, tell her to stop making doctor's appointments for you!
If you and your DH got into a fight over providing your in-laws your credit reports, then you have a DH problem. It sounds like your DH is okay with his parents being over involved.
Your DH needs to get on board with setting boundaries with his family. It's part of respecting the privacy of your marriage.
I'm wondering about this as well. You really need to ask DH.
But all the medical appointment stuff...so very odd...you need to let your MIL know that you are capable of managing your health care.
Holy ***!!! Wow. And your DH was mad at you because his mom is an intrusive ass? Wow. I'm honestly baffled by this and I would personally throw a fit if my husband ever tried to pull something like this.
You definitely have a DH problem.
This whole thing is completely insane.
1. Do not discuss finances with your in-laws.
2. Do not discuss your sex life with your in-laws.
3. Do not let your in laws make appointments for you.
4. Get into therapy with your husband and figure out of these "concerns" are really his. He could be talking to your MIL and having her bring subjects up with you because he doesn't want to do it himself.
Being close to your parents is one thing. Thinking it's okay for your parents to take over your life (and your spouse's) is ridiculous.
I only got past the first sentence before I was taken back! I would NEVER discuss my "financial plan" with my in laws or anyone for that matter.
::Continues to read::
I would also not print out your credit report, even if you were having money troubles it seems better to deal with those issues within your marriage and if you needed outside help it would be more beneficial to the family dynamic to receive that help from an unbiased party.
If your husband doesn't understand just explain to him that it can REALLY effect a marriage to have related outside advice regarding your money situation. And explain that you feel as though you may be judged by his mother and would prefer to keep the current relationship intact. And if all that doesn't work maybe you could sit down with her and say that you appreciate the concern and thoughtfulness but you would prefer to not discuss personal matters and you will be taking over the appointment making from here on out. After all you are an adult.
My jaw dropped when I read this. Establishing boundaries is a battle, but if you don't fix this now, it will only get worse. Especially if you have kids one day, they will think they are part of the parenting process too. Don't let them live your life for you!
Your DH probably has overshared in the past, and you can forgive him, and tell him in the future that financial matters are between you and him only from now on. His parents might pout and even refuse to talk to him for a month out of anger -- let them. You'll be surprised how much adults can act like children if they feel like they are losing power and not getting what they want.
Once my MIL years ago asked me who my doctor was, and I said I'd rather not say, and she was furious. And here you are letting your MIL make your doctor appointments for you!
My advice, read up on the internet about being more assertive. Your in-laws are getting everything they want (control over you and their son), and you are sitting pretty trying not to make waves.
This is going to be a bumpy road, but if done tactfully and with your DH always on the same page as you and on your team, then your marriage will only be stronger and these issues will be easier to handle in the future because his parents will eventually realize that they cannot easy manipulate either one of you.
Good luck!
I am very close with my parents, like I live 10 minutes away from them, and hang out at their house some nights when DH is working late, etc, etc, etc ... and yeah, never in a million years would I let them see my credit report or let my mom make doctor's appointments for me-let alone DH! That's none of their business, and they know it.
The fact that your husband thinks that this is acceptable behavior from his parents, and that you're being unreasonable for disagreeing makes this a problem with him, not your ILs.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I have to disagree with everybody else
Not only you should give your mother in law your credit report, you also should give her your bank statements too, I mean what harm could it do?
Keep going to the doctor every time your mother in law makes appointments for you, and once you find out that the doctor tells you something is wrong with you, you will be thanking your mother in law
Please ignore everybody else and they gave horrible advice, my advice is better so take my advice