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Advice Needed
Hello,
This is my first time posting here but I have been a lurker for a while now. My husband and I have been married for 6 years but together for 12. Within the last year or so he has said that he is not happy in the marriage. He says that he feels like we don't have a friendship and without that he doesn't know how to be happy in his day to day life with me. I have asked multiple times if there is anything specific that I could do to help "fix" things and have even suggested counseling. He doesn't think counseling would help and he doesn't want to be forced into being my friend, he believes it should be natural. As a result he has developed other friendships, both men and women, to fill the void that he feels at home.
I don't know where to go from here. I feel like friendship is something that is always evolving and is something that needs to be nurtured. He believes that you either have it or you don't. We were in a long distance relationship before getting married so that may have something to do with it. The other day he said that this is something that could get better but that he doesn't know for how long we are supposed to continue living this way. I feel like he has already checked out.
Has anyone been through something similar? Any advice on how to remedy this?
Thanks!
Re: Advice Needed
Uh wow.
Men need true friendships with other guys, just like women need girlfriends. Nothing at all wrong with that. Not at all.
But when you refer to female friendships --- this is where I get a bit side-eye'dey -- are these true platonic friendships with women? or is he acting inappropriately with them? BIG difference and that's the whole thing this hangs on.
(and it is okay to have bona fide friends of the opposite sex; I have several -- as did my then-H -- and all of this was on the level and up and up. We knew these friends and we often had them to our home for social events, we went out with these friends and their SOs, etc)
YOu need to have a long talk with him --- ask him if he wants to go to counseling with you. If he says no, that's a bad thing. It is very likely that he's already checked out of the relationship.
And what about these friends? is he off and running with them and leaviing you at home? Do you even know who these friends are? Have you met them? What are they like?
If you haven't met them, don't ask me what I think of that.
Is he depressed? Counseling is the best way to work on your communication. I believe you both would benefit from individual counseling.
Are YOU happy in this marriage? I can't imagine what it would be like to have my spouse tell me that he no longer felt like we were friends. Why do you feel like you have to do something to "fix" him and this relationship?
What kind of friendships has he been forming to fill this void? Are they inappropriate?
I call bullshyt.
Something just ain't right. More info?
I suspect the women friends are friends with "benefits." Forget couples counseling...get individual counseling. I'm sorry but he really does sound like he's checked out and probably hopes you will walk out. He's practically inviting you to leave. He took vows and now is telling you he doesn't want to be forced into being your friend? Who does that? He is your husband!!! GMAB!
I would definitely get some legal advice, too. Depending on where you live, if you leave, you can be seen as abandoning your home and assets. I'm not trying to be hurtful, I'm just trying to be practical. I repeat: Get legal advice before making any decisions about your marriage. Look out for yourself.
Then let him rekindle friendships with guys he knew from college or past workplaces; he needs to go join some organizations that will give him plenty of opportunities to meet friends.
Remember: if you have not met these "friends" and he will not introduce you to them, beware. Something is wrong with this picture and how.
I have met all of his friends, including the female ones. I have also hung out with them on multiple occassions. I am honestly really confused by the whole thing. I feel like it's his way of justifying the friendships that he does have and the amount of time he spends with them without me because the only time he really brings this up is when I complain about the amount of time he spends out.
His issue isn't making friends. He is extremely social. From what I have gathered, the issue is feeling like he gets more out of the friendships that he has with others than me. That he would much rather spend time away from the house. I told him that it sounds like he is struggling more with the day to day routine of being married. I don't know. I guess only time will tell.
Thanks for all the advice you all have offered. It is greatly appreciated!