Family Matters
MeganAngela
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In-Laws and Home Buying: Ignore or Confront?
H and I just got married in March and we have no plans on buying a home any time in the next few years. We don't have the money saved up, we don't want to settle down where we are currently living, and, frankly, we're enjoying the freedom that apartment living gives us. However, H's parents have been pressuring us on buying a home and MIL is constantly sending H house listings and calling him to talk about buying property. On top of that, the in-laws keep talking about when we do buy a house how they want to come and fix it up with us, but they don't mean with us as in how we want, but in how they think our home should be.
They were asking us every now and again before the wedding about our home buying plans and we always just said that we didn't know and were in no hurry. We weren't giving them any details. Now it is a constant influx of emails and phone calls all relating to home buying and when we're going to do it. H and I are at our wits end, but we also feel like this might be something we should just ignore. We just aren't sure if this is a worthy battle or not. We want to set up boundaries and I want to assert that while we appreciate their concern, home buying and renovations/decorating is something that H and I should do as husband and wife and that we'll come to them if we need help. I want to make sure MIL knows not to insert herself into things that are my role as the wife and H agrees completely.
Plus, they don't know the area we live in well, and they keep sending us houses that are former crack dens or are in areas with high crime. Every time we get one of MIL's excited emails, we're always horrified at what she sends us because so much of it is unsafe. On top of that, the in-laws know that we don't want to settle down in this area, so we're confused as to why they want us to buy a house that we'd just have to turn around and sell when we move. We'd rather wait to buy property until we're somewhere we think we'll be for a long amount of time.
So basically, H and I are on the same page. This stuff is annoying and we want it to stop or at least become more infrequent. We want to confront his family, but we are worried that this might be the wrong battle to choose. I thought I might come on here to get advice and see if others thought this was something worth speaking to his family about and if so what are some things we might should say.
TIA!
They were asking us every now and again before the wedding about our home buying plans and we always just said that we didn't know and were in no hurry. We weren't giving them any details. Now it is a constant influx of emails and phone calls all relating to home buying and when we're going to do it. H and I are at our wits end, but we also feel like this might be something we should just ignore. We just aren't sure if this is a worthy battle or not. We want to set up boundaries and I want to assert that while we appreciate their concern, home buying and renovations/decorating is something that H and I should do as husband and wife and that we'll come to them if we need help. I want to make sure MIL knows not to insert herself into things that are my role as the wife and H agrees completely.
Plus, they don't know the area we live in well, and they keep sending us houses that are former crack dens or are in areas with high crime. Every time we get one of MIL's excited emails, we're always horrified at what she sends us because so much of it is unsafe. On top of that, the in-laws know that we don't want to settle down in this area, so we're confused as to why they want us to buy a house that we'd just have to turn around and sell when we move. We'd rather wait to buy property until we're somewhere we think we'll be for a long amount of time.
So basically, H and I are on the same page. This stuff is annoying and we want it to stop or at least become more infrequent. We want to confront his family, but we are worried that this might be the wrong battle to choose. I thought I might come on here to get advice and see if others thought this was something worth speaking to his family about and if so what are some things we might should say.
TIA!
Re: In-Laws and Home Buying: Ignore or Confront?
There is nothing wrong with telling them to cut out the calls, encroaching the topic and to stop sending you emails.
Focus on the here and now. Don't even talk about renovating and their involvement w/ it. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
Deal w/ the present pressure. Yes - tell them "Look, we appreciate that you want us to buy, but we don't plan on buying for quite a few years (don't go into the details of why - gives them more room to argue). So please stop sending us emails and calling us about it. we're not interested in talking about this right now".
If they get into "but it's SMART to buy" etc, just nod and say "Again, we appreciate your concern, but we're not buying right now.".
They still send emails? Eh- whatever. Just delete. They want to waste their time? Let them. But if they call, you all need to hstart saying "We've already told you we aren't going to discuss this anymore." and change the topic, or if necessary say "I'm going to hang up now" and then do it.
THEN, when you are ready to buy - DO NOT TELL THEM until you've actually bought a house! Because otherwise they are going to jump in w/ both feet and try to "help" you w/ your search.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
For example, we were eating lunch at Macaroni Grill around Easter and she was going on and on about how much she loved the Tuscan decor. She turns to me and says, "Don't you just love it? When you and H get your house, we should renovate your kitchen to look like this, don't you think?" And I was just like, "Yes, it's nice, but perhaps you could renovate your own kitchen this way since you like this far more than me." And she looked at me like I had two heads.
And the in-laws have also been notorious for buying us home goods for our current apartment without asking us what we like, what we need or what will fit. Imagine our surprise when we got a phone call saying that MIL had bought us a whole new huge dining room table set that seats eight or ten after we had already told her we didn't want it. We have a small apartment and there was NO WAY that furniture would fit. When we told her that we still didn't want it, it didn't fit and that we wish she would have respected our wishes she got upset with us. That dining set is still sitting in her garage, BTW. We never took it and won't take it.
She's also been known to get upset when she comes into the apartment we share and finds that the artwork that she gave to H when he was just starting out on his own several years ago has been taken down and replaced by something that is mine or H's. Basically, she dragged out a bunch of pictures she had in storage to give to H when he was a bachelor so that his walls wouldn't be bare, but H didn't really like them. He put them up just to have something up and now that we're married, we're putting out stuff up in place of the hand-me-downs he had, and she is bothered by it because she sees it as us putting her down or wanting to erase her or something. IDK.
Stuff like that is the only reason I mentioned it in my OP. We definitely don't plan on confronting them about renovations until we have a home, or about decorations unless it gets any more out of hand.
Just thought I would clarify!
On top of that, the in-laws know that we don't want to settle down in this area, so we're confused as to why they want us to buy a house that we'd just have to turn around and sell when we move.
I missed this the first time. This actually makes sense now. They probably hope that if you buy, it will keep you in the area. That's why they are so insistent. They don't think of the "Well, when they move, they'll have to sell". They are thinking "if they buy, then they might decide not to move".
Past that, it sounds like you all are good at setting boundaries already. LOL that the DR set is still in her garage.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We've been considering moving out of state one day. Maybe his parents have ESP and are trying to keep us in state! Haha!
And I'm pretty amused about the DR set, too. Every time we go visit and see it sitting in the garage we can't help but laugh. Why they thought buying us something we said specifically that we did not want was a good idea we'll never know!
People in my life keep asking when H and I will be buying a house as well. They seem aghast when I say we've lived in the same 1BD 1BA apt for almost 3 years and don't plan on moving for at least another year. I just say (with a smile), if you plan on paying for our house we'd be happy to buy one. That usually ends the conversation.
So I say ignore the emails and tell them you're not buying now end of discussion.
I wonder why there are people who are so interested in when another person is going to buy a house, have a baby, change careers, do this, do that, etc. Don't they have their own lives to worry about? So annoying!
After actually experiencing what happens when the in laws become involved in house buying I don't blame you.
When it comes down to them saying anything about houses do you give them any sort of straight answer? I would honestly tell them thanks for the information and you appreciate it but you are not looking and don't want to look at the moment. Very straight forward but polite.
My question is do they live in the same area? Maybe they are hoping you would buy a home there so you would be tied there.
EDIT: Never mind about the tied down part! You already answered that in the comments.
They usually have the best intentions or are just curious which is why my comment and smile end that vein of conversation.
Oh, no! Was it bad?
We don't really say anything to them about it. We've told them that we aren't looking to buy a home anytime soon and we're definitely not looking to buy in the area. It's usually a casual thing we throw out when they start on us, but it looks like a casual answer and a smile just isn't cutting it. Hence, we feel that we might actually need to have a serious talk with them to get them off our backs. They are putting so much pressure on us with regards to housing, jobs, babies, etc. that we actively avoid them as much as we can because time with them isn't fun anymore.
His mom is even starting to notice that H is sort of avoiding them because she asked him just last night if he was even interested in their life anymore and if H ever thinks about them. She was trying to guilt H, but he didn't respond to it and just told her that he felt she keeps us well informed so he didn't feel like he had to call and ask about her drama because she always just called him and told him.
Ugh. Sorry for going off topic. Like I said, there is just a lot of pressure.
It wasn't like this big fall out or anything. In fact I love my mom in law very much. She is like a second mom and I would even consider her a great friend. I even wish we lived closer to them lol. But sometimes the people close to you drive you up an effing wall.
Okay so let me give you a quick back story. The house we live in my husband and I own. They came up with this idea to buy up foreclosures, fix them up, and sell them. So there is the one we live in and then there is 3 others. The one we are living in is driving me nuts because it isn't completely finished and there is a ton of things I would love to do to it. Reason why it isn't finished is because my husband and mother in law thought it would be "the best idea ever" to buy up 3 other houses within 1 year. Then of course they took on too much. Which I told them that would happen. That is a different story.
Anyways my mom in law used her money to pay for half of the house we are living in. We are paying her off. And because she paid for half she gets a lot of the say of what goes on with it. Which I get that. But it still gets to me. It's something I just force myself over.
So next house we buy it will be one in a place where we plan on living for a long time and we will use our own money..no help what so ever. I want my husband and I to have complete control in what goes on with it lol
Maybe you need to move cross country......when you are ready for a home buying experience.
MIL seems to be living vicariously through you and I think she is bored in her own life so she wants to projects to do in your's.
Also, DH's cousin's in-laws strongly pushed her and her husband into buying a townhome. They did and they can't resell it and are living in his parents' basement. This is a case where they gave in to pressure and should not have. You should not either.
Haha! It is funny you say that because Washington state is one we have considered if H could find a teaching job there and we had the money! We've even thought of going out of the country, but that is more of a pipe dream than anything! We love our home state, but the pressure does get to us at times and makes us want to move far, far away. The place we're considering seriously right now is Maryland, but even that wouldn't be for awhile.
Trust me, we won't give in to their pressure. I'm far too strong-headed to allow that to happen, at least on my end. And H is very clear that we are a team and we make our own decisions. It would still be nice if we could get his parents to back off as it is slowly driving their son away and that is sad.
I definitely agree with your second point! She is really bored with her own life and home, which is sad because they have a beautiful two story home that she has renovated and decorated over the years that H and I could only dream of having. We hate seeing her so unsatisfied with it because she just doesn't appreciate the beautiful things she has. Granted, that isn't any of our concern and we never say anything. It's just a shame.
Different situation, same sort of problem:
My DH and I were just dating... my SIL was married after meeting her DH within 1 year and she was only 20. We were 4 years older... IL's belief was if you know it's the one you get married and live happily ever after. They married at 19 and 21 and believe that young marriage is a great thing. Then my Dad left my mom and the entire idea of marriage with me and BF were tabled and we were both shaken up so much. My IL's used to hound us and confront us at almost every possible time about when we thought we might be getting married. It annoyed my DH so much that he finally said one time... I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now and if you don't care to hear about those things, then we don't need to talk. And basically, stopped all communication with them for a week completely... then his Dad called to take him out to lunch, they talked and then never bothered us again (about that particular topic).
Unfortunately, they have done it with many others through the years, but as you said, as long as you are on the same page, it doesn't matter. But, I'd really let your DH take the lead here... I'd make sure that he tells his mom that when they harp on something after you have expressed that you aren't interested in their advice/help or whatever... they need to drop it or else it makes him so uncomfortable that he doesn't want to talk to her. I feel like if he says he is distancing himself on purpose because the constant stuff she brings up is too overwhelming...maybe she'll stop if she sees that her behavior changing has the positive effect of him making more of an effort in the relationship.
Really... it is exhausting. They probably have a way they either lived their life or would have like to have and have regrets and want you guys to make better decisions than them or make the same decisions that they thought were terrific. They have the best intentions... but they have to realize that you are adults who will do whatever you deem appropriate. Or as my IL's often tell us, "You do whatever the F**k you want anyways!" I'm starting to take it as a compliment. If we don't make mistakes ourselves, we don't learn anything.
"For example, we were eating lunch at Macaroni Grill around Easter and she was going on and on about how much she loved the Tuscan decor. She turns to me and says, "Don't you just love it? When you and H get your house, we should renovate your kitchen to look like this, don't you think?" And I was just like, "Yes, it's nice, but perhaps you could renovate your own kitchen this way since you like this far more than me." And she looked at me like I had two heads."
I found this approach to work on my MIL. She kept saying how much she wanted grandkids to spoil, kept asking when we were having kids. I said, "you know, there are plenty of needy children out there and you are young enough - why don't you consider adopting or fostering if you want kids so badly?" That shut her up. For some reason they don't like it when it's on the other foot.
Be thankful you and DH are on the same page, otherwise you'd have a much larger issue on your hands.
The fact that you've probably implied you and DH will move futher away one day, and have said you don't want to move to DH's hometown where in-laws live, then your in-laws are probably trying to take what they can get (or try to get) by locking you down in their same state of 2.5 hours away. They are trying to get you to buy a house for their own selfish reasons.
I like how someone else suggested DH saying to his parents: "We have so many happy things to discuss with you, and buying a home is not one of them right now." It shows that you want to have a conversation, and that home-buying will only irritate you.
And don't include your in-laws in the discussion of where you and DH might move one day. They will most-likely never be supportive of you both moving 1000-2000 miles away. When you and DH find a place, and lock it down, set a move-date, then tell them but not before, or else you'll just increase the drama and they'll feel like they have a say in your decision.
My DH and I strongly considered moving 2000 miles away, and when we decided to stay in our state for our own reasons, my MIL thinks she somehow "won" and that we bought our house to stay near her. I let her continue to think that. As long as she's not living under the same roof, she can sit pretty somewhere else.
Once my dad was trying to get me to do something (I was an adult), and his last resort was to reason that he was only trying to give me advice (but it was clear he wasn't going to stop pestering me), and my response was: "It's not advice if you make me do it." I didn't snap at him - but was trying to make a point. Advice is one thing, pressuring someone to do something is entirely different.
I agree with what another poster said, that it sounds like you are doing well with setting up boundaries.
If I were experiencing this, I might escalate my responses a bit more at this point. Maybe the next "real estate" email, my response would be, "Thanks for thinking of us, but we aren't interested in reading any house/property listings." Like other people have already mentioned, it's easier to simply ignore and delete an email, but does it keep feeding her belief that she'll be involved in a home renovation project with you? Same with the phone calls or conversations, "Mom, we aren't interested in house/property listings."
For me, it would depend on how fixated they are on it.
I'm afraid to say that things are getting more dire on the situation. MIL called today, and among other assorted gossip she wanted to talk about, she told H that she is going to call her life insurance provider to see about taking money out of that to give to us for a down payment.
This is just completely out of hand. We don't want to accept money from them as it would definitely come with strings, and we really just don't want a house right now. We can't decide whether we should call her back later and confront her or just wait until she brings something else up. What are your thoughts?
HELP!
I'm just so frustrated right now. H got kind of blindsided which is why he didn't say anything right then. He's kind of shy and gets flabbergasted easily, so I'm not surprised nor mad at him. Especially given the way he was raised to just do what you're told and not talk back. He's made huge leaps in undoing that teaching, but he still has a ways to go. We're getting there, though!
So, yeah. I'll put the new info in a new thread for help! Thanks!
I would probably try something to the effect of, "We appreciate your generosity, but we've discussed the options with a Real Estate Broker and have decided not to purchase a home at this time."
Although it varies by region, obtaining a home loan isn't the easiest thing nowadays. I've personally had clients with exellent credit and resources declined...regardless of down payment amount.
I really feel your IL's are pressuring you and your H to purchase a house and set down roots now because they don't want you to leave the area. That...and they want a place to practice all the stuff they see on HGTV...
(P.S...I'm a Real Estate Broker, so you kinda have discussed it (lol) and it's not really a bold faced lie
)