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So, we're not spending enought time together?
Ok, so I've been a lurker on here for a while now, but I've decided I really need to get pro-active about my marriage. Here goes:
We've been together for 5 years (married for 3). Life is busy. We both work full-time, and I've recently begun going to the gym very actively(DH can't come with me, because he has some health issues. I go with a friend form work). I cook dinner every night, I also do all the usual housework, except the laundry, that's his chore. We both have big families, so we spend a lot of time with them on the weekends, and I'll admit, it really doesn't feel like we spend that much quality time together. I just don't get how I'm supposed to fix it. I've instituted weekly date nights--every friday night we hit a local place and relax and chat about our weeks, etc.
I know life is busy, and I'm pretty sure it only gets worse. I never thought we'd ever get to the point that DH thought we don't spend enough time together, but here we are. I've really been thinking about kids lately, too. We currently don't have any, but part of the reason I'm hitting the gym so hard is that I want to lose some weight and get healthy so I can have babies. DH can't even think kids right now, because he says we don't even have time for us, let alone babies. I disagree with him slightly. I don't think people decide to have babies becaue they have an excess of time to use up.
Help, Please!
Re: So, we're not spending enought time together?
Your life sounds very normal. And you're doing better than most if you can fit in a weekly date night. That said, if he feels you're not getting enough time together, you need to make it a priority. You don't have HAVE to spend a lot of time with your families every weekend, regardless of how big they are. Pick one weekend a month and spend it together. Or skip out on the gym one night and go for a walk with DH. There are a million things you can do. Or if you feel like you spend plenty of time together, maybe your DH just needs a new hobby to keep him busy. But that is a decision you need to make together.
And no, people don't decide to have children because they have time to kill. But your DH has a point that if he is already feeling like your relationship isn't a priority, that's going to be magnified a LOT once you have a kid. We used to go out for dinner together a couple of times a month. Now it's happened a couple of times in 9 months. We used to spend evenings together, Now after my DS, goes to bed, I'm exhausted so I take a nap before work. Having a kid does strain your relationship so I wouldn't suggest it until you are both feeling comfortable with where your relationship is now.
I largely agree w Kimbus but a couple additional thoughts.
Your DH feels you all don't have enough together time? Well then, perhaps he can help out w/ more of the day to day household stuff... Have you suggested that to him? That would lighten YOUR load.
Second, why can't "any" time your together be quality time? While I agree that maybe you all can pull back from all the family stuff, at the same time, why can't you both being at these events count as time together?
Especially now that we have a kid, this is what I do. Lazing around at night just watching TV - I enjoy it when it's just DH and I. This past weekend we went camping w/ friends. While DS and friends were there, it was still a really nice time for the two of us too.
I don't feel "good quality time" has to be ONLY "alone" time or "doing something special alone". I try to make the best of ANY moments we have.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks so much ladies! Such encouraging responses. I've posted the same thing on another board and was basically told I needed to drop everything and make DH my only priority--while that all sounds good, life has many, many important priorities. My marriage is my #1 though.
I have talked to DH about helping with a few of the household chores to free up some of my time, but he was pretty emphatic that he didn't have the time or energy to do it. While he does have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), and I fully understood that when we got married, it does present an issue at points in our relationship.
That's why I was so much at my wit's end about what I could possibly cut out of my life--certainly not my job, or cooking, or cleaning. My gym routine has become pretty important to me as well. I've never been this motivated to lose weight and get healthy, and I'm really seeing results. I don't want to lose momentum with that, either. I've offered walks with DH before, but he has really bad knees, and has pretty much shot me down every time. Sometimes it feels like I'm married to a 33-year old geriatric
We could cut down on family time, but we do both enjoy just hanging out with all of our family. I think that is where the cut needs to be made, though.
Thanks again for your responses. They are taken to heart.
I'm not very familiar w/ CFS, so keep that in mind.
I still think it's unfair that this is all falling on you. He says he doesn't have the TIME or energy. Can't speak to the energy side of it, but the time side? He's telling you to make time, why can't he?
Also, the kid thing. I'd suggest you think long and hard about the reality of kids in your situation. Remove the CFS for a moment- I'm wary of ANY man who won't help around the house. If they can't help keep the house in order, they aren't going to magically change once kids come. That will end up all falling to you too.
Then add in the CFS. I don't want to discount the problems he deals with, but if he's using that now as a reason why he can't help out more, then even more so - if you all have kids, it will ALL fall to YOU to handle.
Is this what you want? Loving him isn't enough to make it all work out. And I think he needs to think about this too. What will kids mean to your lives and your marriage?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I do agree that he needs to help more. I'm trying to kind of ease him into it. He does do all of the laundry--and that was quite a struggle until he got used to it. His mother used to do EVERYTHING for him, so while I'm not making excuses for him, she certainly didn't help the situation. I even came home one day to her visiting and helping him fold my laundry. Ummmm. NO. That was not okay with me.
We have been remodeling the house, in addition to both working full-time, and he does most of the heavy-lifting on that end. His CFS was glaringly evident through-out the entire project, but thankfully we are slowly wrapping up (finally!)
I am very realistic when it come to adding a baby to the equation. We both knew we would wait until the remodle was completed, and I want to save up enough of a nest egg so that I can take a few months off work without worrying about money.
I know he'll have more energy when the remodel is completed, as it is taking a huge toll on him mentally and physically. And I think that when he's not working on the house on the weekends, we'll feel like we have more time together, as well.