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How Often Should You See In-Laws that Live 3-4 Hours Away?
For as long as we've been dating, my husband and I have seen his parents every other month, and stay with them for multiple days during Christmas time. His mom always finds a reason for us to visit or for them to visit us. Long story short, my in-laws live in a really small town, are very quiet and conservative, and do not share nearly any of our interests. It is the most boring time. My husband already religiously talks to his mom every Wednesday and Sunday.
I just don't understand why we have to see them every other month. I already give up my entire Christmas with my family to stay with his family. Our own Christmas experience has never been- we open each other's gifts on Christmas Eve and run out the door to stop by my dad's house for 3 hours (or less), quickly open their gifts, and back on the road for 3 hours to his parents house. We usually arrive there at about 12:00 AM.
Is it acceptable to only see them a few times a year, or am I being a jerk here?
I know that when we finally have a child, I will not want to continue going to their house every Christmas. I would like for our children to have Christmas in their house, and us share it as a family.
Re: How Often Should You See In-Laws that Live 3-4 Hours Away?
YEAH...
Ok, first there is no right or wrong in the amount of time one spends with one's family or friends or work or hobby as long as it is not intruding on the day-to-day life of the couple/family.
And to be honest, 6 weekends out of 52 is really not intruding on your day-to-day life.
Second, different does not mean wrong. You can suck up a boring weekend to spend time with the people who raised your husband. Its not as if they are being rude or hurtful to you.
Third, you DO have an issue with the holidays. You have as much right to see your side of the family as your DH does with his. So why not have a calm sitdown with your DH and offer up a truly compromise solution - without any blame or condescending accussations.
Offer up a rotation until you have kids and then ask that you keep Christmas in your home once the babies arrive. And as an alternative - offer up rotating Thanksgiving going out and having one family come to your house for Christmas.
But overall, you sound very...uhm...not willing to give your husband something that is important to him.
BTW - I live in another country (across an ocean) and I still ensure that we see both sides of the family 2 times a year (sometimes I have to go to my inlaws without DH) because I think it is ok.
Also, I talk to my mother at least 5 times a week and my DH talks to his mother maybe once every other week. NEITHER is RIGHT or WRONG or (in your snarky view) RELIGIOUS.
It doesn't really seem that bad. Is it like 3 or 4 day weekends every other month or a one night kind of thing? One night I could handle. 2 or more every other month would drive me insane.
I'd definitely get the holidays on a rotation though. That's what we did until we had a kid. Then we announced we'd be staying at our own house for holidays and anyone who wanted to come was welcome.
I largely agree w/ Ilumine. Once every other month really isn't all that bad.
But I'm curious as to why you've "given up" seeing your family for Christmas? Is it because your DH "insists" you all spend it w/ his family? If so- that's a whole other bag of problems.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm curious too. Why don't you alternate holidays between the two families? This would not fly with us. We take turns and that's it.
Every other month isn't so bad. Here's a question, do you have to go every time? Why can't your H go see his parents and you stay home and have some alone-time occasionally?
If your in-laws are 3-4 hours a way, if I were you I'd want to see them less trips (maybe 3-4 times a year instead of 6+) and try to squeeze in an extra half or full day each time. You can say it's because of gas prices going up that you both are trying to plan your trips more economically.
And do his parents ever travel to see you?
Regarding holidays - definitely sit down with your DH and agreet to rotate up until having kids, and then you can say when you have kids you'll revisit the issue to see what is best.
My parents are 5 hours away and I usually visit, meet-up or host monthly. Its usually someone's birthday, a holiday or some sort of event. That feels about right for us. But it's when I WANT to go and not because I have been pressured or guilted into it. That means I didn't see them in Jan/Feb - but met-up at a family get-away in March, and just saw them 3 times in the past 6 weeks (and I went by myself for one of those visits).
If 6x a year is too much for you, then skip 2 of the visits and make it a girls weekend instead. Or go on a retreat, or see a show or sleep-in and relax. And since you are seething with resentment about Christmas, get a backbone and make different plans one year or another. That's not their fault, its yours for doing something you don't want to do. Over and over.
My parents are 2.5 hours away and we see them about once a month when the pass between us isn't covered in snowed. I would see them more often by myself (and sometimes do), but that is what my H is comfortable with.
I agree with pp who stated you don't always have to go with your H to visit your ILs. Let him go alone and enjoy having the house to yourself a few times. Also about the Christmas issue. Talk with your H and compromise so that you're happy too.
Holidays are a different story. You need to put your foot down and make sure your family isn't left out.
My DH and I have moved about 4 hours away from all of our family. His family has been up here once, my mom has been up here 3 times. We've been back twice and not together. He's had to go back for some work stuff and I just went for a doctor's visit and just to visit the families.
We've pretty much told the families that we'd love them to come up here every so often and we're trying to make an effort to speak to them on the phone more. But it is a two-way street and I say that your in-laws need to try and make an effort to visit y'all as well.
Holidays-our first year,my grandparents were visiting from out of state, but his family wanted some time with us as well. So we arranged to open everyone's gifts (including from my grandparents) over at my in-laws house. My grandparents joined us there, along with my mom. We ate dinner there, opened gifts, visited, and just had a good time. This second Christmas was spent in our new town and my mom spent Christmas day up here and then his family came a few days later. It was nice.
This year, he and I are going to stay up here for a quiet Christmas and if anybody wants to join us they can. We might travel down for Thanksgiving, but we're going to play it by ear. It's all a compromise. Talk it over with your hubby and come to a decision that benefits everyone, including your family.
I do agree with most posters that the holidays are a different story and there should be more compromise there on how you spend it so you feel you have an adequate amount of time to spend with your family as well.
However, for the rest of the year I can definitely empathize with the other side of it. My brother lives 3.5 hours away and my parents have to be the ones to travel down to him every 3-4 months, he has only come up 2x in the last 3 years, both for 24 hours only. They have 2 kids now and this is absolutely killing my parents emotionally. Not only is it tough on them to travel as they get older but I see how much it hurts them that they don't get to see their son or their grandchildren that much. I think its great that you make the effort to go see them.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but I see it as a responsibility to see my family and my husbands family as often as we can as they raised us and have done so much for us. Again- like others have said you don't have to go every time with your husband but I think every other month (for either him or both of you to visit) is very fair and you should definitely try to do that once you have kids. Just try to see if from his parents perspective and also think, would you be okay just seeing your parents every other month?