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Mother-In-Law Changed when I became Mrs.
My new mother-in-law is a self-centered, manipulative person who expects to do what she wants and have everyone do what she wants them to do. She has always been this way, she will talk about you (and everyone else) behind your back, and the first person to tell me this was my (now) husband. This not meant to be mean, just info.
Regardless of the above, MIH and I have always had a great relationship. I don't let her talk about others to me, because I don't care and don't want to get involved. And, she never did. We discussed other normal things.
Through the wedding process she was a bit strange with wanting her son's name to come first on invitations and other things. I defended the proper way with ettiquette, and she calmed down. 2 weeks ago at our wedding, I could sense she was getting strange. We had an absolutely beautiful, perfect wedding and everyone had a good time. But now that it is over, she is acting very strange with me. She only talks to my husband now, and every time they are on the phone, he leaves the room, and comes back in acting a bit different. I know she is manipulating him. We took them to dinner and a baseball game over the weekend, and she made many comments about anything remotely negative at our wedding, and made comments about how everything is about me. This outing was totally for her, I didn't want to take them to the game so quickly after the wedding where she left and didn't even say goodbye to me. My husband is a joker, and blows off things wiht humor, so he chimed in jokingly. I know it was jokingly, but I was so hurt that all she had to talk about our wedding is the bumpy ground outside and one of my bridesmaids that fell down the stairs. She didn't welcome me to their family, and has not given us a even a card for the wedding (we paid for it ourselves). I guess she considers her presence enough (she always talked about how she didn't want to go becuase it was at a midpoint between our hometowns).
I am so confused that everythign seems different. From day 1 I have felt welcome in their family/house - but this weekend I felt like a total outsider. How do I handle this? I am the type who wants to resolve all with a conversation - I know what she is doing - she doesn't want to lose her son (and she won't!!! We have always been fair or leaning toward being more fair to his family!). Is a direct conversation a good idea? I spoke a little with my husband - I need to be delicate with him because of teh way she is acting, I don;t want to become his enemy on this aspect - and I am intending to ask him not to encourage her behavior, because his joking does nothing but enourage her and hurt me. How have you handled a situation like this....what should I do?
Thanks!
Re: Mother-In-Law Changed when I became Mrs.
Your MIL is being rude to you and you're worried that pointing this out to your DH (who is doing nothing to defend you) is going to make you HIS enemy.
SOmething tells me you've been ignoring a lot of red flags. He's probably always put mommy first but because you felt you had a "good" relationship w/ her, it wouldn't ever be an issue. And now here you are- coming in 2nd to mommy.
I don't know what to tell you. You don't need to yell at your DH/ be rude, but he's your DH and if you seriously can't matter of factly bring up "Hey- what's going on w/ your mom?", I'm kind of worried about your overall communciation skills and the future of this problem.
I would absolultely talk to him first before you ever try to tlak to her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Tell your H that he is welcome to go out with his mom, but if she is going to behave like that, you will not be there. He can make plans with his parents on his own.
I wouldn't worry that "your relationship isn't the same......" I would just accept that MIL is the way that she is, and that you really don't want a person like that to be close to you. Be happy she doesn't talk to you, so she can't twist your words to make your sound like a jerk!
As for your h, you can take him aside and say "are you really going to sit there and allow your mom to tell me that I am selfish and that everything is about me?!?"
However, if I were in your shoes, I would probably make a snide remark, like "oh yes, MIL, I forgot, my wedding was supposed to be about YOU!" or I would say "In some ways it was such a beautiful wedding, but sitting next to you, I am reminded that in some ways my wedding day was absolutely the worst day of my life...." (with the unspoken implication that becoming related to her was the nightmare part).
Your MIL is trying to belittle you. You can say to your DH that you are hurt that his mom is belittling you, and that you'd feel better if he stuck up for you more and not laugh it off. He is trying to neutralize the situation, but he is left with a hurt wife. Your DH can say something to her, like: "It would really make me happy if you were more positive than negative to my wife." but if anything it might lesson her negative comments - but don't expect magically a lot of praise from her.
My DH and I visited his mom probably two weeks after the wedding, to share some stories of the travels from our honeymoon. His mom could only muster up a negative thing about the wedding - and it was about how hot it was. Toward the end of the visit, when it was clear she was not going to say anything nice, for the first time I was really bold by saying, "You didn't say anything nice about the wedding." And she was shocked! My husband looked at her for a response, and she said, very forced, "Oh it was lovely!" but you could tell she hated to say it. And to me, that was just sad.
And later when we got the wedding pictures, and we gave her a book of photos, during that visit she still couldn't say anything nice. One of the last groups of pictures was at the reception with the wedding party dancing together, and his mom tried to make it a big deal that my husband was checking out one of the bridesmaids in the picture (not true - in the picture he is not even looking at anyone, and my DH was mad and did call her out on it - she was obviously trying to start a fight).
You can call your MIL out on her actions when they happen, but she's not going to magically one day start praising you. She is probably the type of MIL that is very insecure, so she tries to put you down to feed her own ego. She can't appreciate the fact that her son loves you and her for different reasons. As long as you recognize this as her being irrational and stop taking it so personally, then you'll find it easier to deal with over time. She is the one choosing to be competitive with you, and she would get a kick out of you being torn up about it, unfortunately.
Thanks for the advice. Of course I would talk to him first.....I am not the kind of person who likes to make waves.....so I usually need some umph to get there. We don't have communication problems, this is jsut a bridge, as you say, we've never had to cross. I want to cross it once and be done with it. I know I need his support to get over it. He hates to talk about some things....and this will be one of them. Thank you also for passing judgement on a relationship you have never witnessed. Do you have an MIL? Are you besties, or have you had some issues? And if you haven't how do you feel equipped to advise?
I don't think being passive-aggressive to the MIL would help. The OP would be giving MIL material to use against her for years to come. Be direct with MIL or being around her as little as possible, but don't lower yourself to MIL's pettiness.
Most of my life I was also not one to make waves and am usually very easy-going, but that was before I had to learn how to deal with an overbearing MIL. Everyone before my MIL respected my wishes and wanted me to be happy...MIL - very different situation all-together. Dealing with your MIL will make you a very more assertive and diplomatic person, and will actually help you to deal with other difficult people in life, such as co-workers or future sister or brother in-laws. In a strange way you'll be thankful for how much stronger you'll become.
The most important thing was for my DH to acknowledge to me that his mom was not treating me well. It was hard for him to see his mom in that light, but him to remain in denial would have been horrible. Sure, he just wants everyone to "just get along", but he can't pretend like his mom is not part of the problem.
I would not tolerate this:
She only talks to my husband now, and every time they are on the phone, he leaves the room, and comes back in acting a bit different. I know she is manipulating him.
What can't he NOT say in front of you while he is on the phone with his mother? What's so cloak and dagger and so top-sekrit squirrel?
I'd put an end to this if I were you.
His mother -- and your H -- has to understand that you are his family. And if he can't get that, bad news indeed.
I agree.....I am in the middle of trying to disseminate, address, and deal with all the little things that have changed.....I need to identify all separately or I will end up over-reacting to all, that is (fortunately or unfortunately) the kind of person I am.
You can tell your DH, "I understand your mom and I may never be best buds, but if she ever speaks negatively of me, would you please tell her not to, and that nothing she says is going to change your opinion of me?"
My MIL is much older than my own parents, and she came from the mentality of the man being the head of the household. I think she thought if she could get her son to think or do a certain thing, that she could control our entire household. My DH would respond to her, "Let me check with my wife and I'll get back to you," and she would be furious. Like she was shocked that her son was going to "consult his wife" instead of just do what his mom said.
If your MIL is a master manipulator, I don't understand why you are suprised that she's manipulating you. You're less than a month from your wedding day and you are already completely focused on your MIL. Not on your own bliss and being together. No, you're discecting her phone conversations, mood and every word.
Nice work. She's good.
My advice, stop making this all about her. That's what she wants. Get some distance and stop expecting her to not bad-mouth you, like she bad-mouths everything else. She's going to get pissed that she's not getting your attention, sp be prepared and to roll your shoulders and say something bland like, "We went out of our way to treat you to the baseball game, but you made it clear you didn't like it. Its probably best if we just do things you plan. If we're availabe."
Do less, not more with that one.
This is a big red flag. Your newly wed husband is unwilling to stand up for you to his mother? Big red flag to me.
My first husband was similar. He didn't like conflict. His mother and most of the rest of his family had very strong personalities. At first, they seemed to adore me, but over time, they became less and less positive about me. Always, when they would start picking at me, it was me left on my own because my ex did not want to be the bad guy. Eventually, it was one of many things that ended in our divorce.
Your husband should be the one dealing with his mother. She is his mother and he has more standing with her than you ever will. He should not tolerate her walking all over his wife, nor should he be keeping secrets with her from you. He needs to set the ground rules for how he wants you treated now, early on, to prevent problems later. This is his responsibility, not yours and he should expect the same from you if your parents ever bullied him.
Boundaries are essential in a healthy relationship with extended family. In this case, it is his place to set those boundaries with his mother, not yours. You need to communicate with him sooner, rather than later. You should be going to him first, not strangers on a forum.
Work on this now, while it's fixable, with him and leave him to deal with his mother. Good luck!