Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
soon to be mother in law
my fiance is super close to his mother and she does his birthdays. like, makes the cake has people over, etc. i thought that now that we were engaged and living together i would be the one to do that stuff for him, but it was the same thing, i didn't have a chance to plan anything. i love his mom, but do i have a right to take over his birthdays??
Re: soon to be mother in law
I have been there. You have a right as his fiancee/wife but be prepared that MIL's feelings may get hurt and you will be the the person who hurt them. When DH and I were first married, I threw DH a party and did it by myself. My MIL was really upset and told everyone but me that I had excluded her from planning. I just wanted her to be a guest and enjoy herself.
Over the years, I have worked around this with my MIL by telling her that I am having an event for DH or DS. I tell her what I have planned. Then I ask her if there is anything she'd like to do to assist me. She usually jumps on wanting to make a relish or cheese platter to augment what I'm serving. And she loves to help set up and clean up. Then I let go...meaning if I don't like the exact placement of the napkins, I don't touch them.
It has become a win-win for both of us.
Why can't you do two separate things? Let her throw the bash and then you take him to do something just the two of you.
There really are no rights in a situation like this. The most important thing is what does your fiance want.
Past that - two different trains of thought:
1- In what other ways is he "super close"? Is he a momma's boy and is what his mom wants always a priority to him? Because if this is bigger than just the b-day thing, you may want to do a little more soul searching to decide if this is really the guy you want to marry.
2- On the flip side, if this is the ONLY issue, it's not a hill I'd die on. While I would hope to never be intrusive in my DS's life over this- the fact his his b-day will always be a huge deal in MY life too. I became a mother on that day. The day is about HIM, but it was a huge day in my life too.
From that perspective, I'd talk to her and try to work WITH her on planning a party next year (if you don't want to do something seperate).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
marrying a mama's boy, huh? Methinks the birthday planning issue will be the least of your problems.
Being a 'mama's boy' often means that while he may love you, he loves his mom MORE and will always, always, always put her first. If you can live like that, go for it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I've definitely been where you are. My husband's mother is extremely important to him, and she likes to take care of him. I've found that the best strategy is to try to work together. You're his wife, so this is your area now. However, if you can include her, I guarantee your relationship with her will improve.
You should assert that you're in charge by asking her to "help" you. Not to plan half, or something, but to help you. Then, you can let her do whatever special thing she likes to do (my MIL likes to cook a special dish for my husband that I can't seem to master, so fine, that's what she does). If you can do the rest, and everyone is invited by you, it's clear that this is your territory, but that you can both work together.
I know people are saying to rethink this, but honestly, I'd rather marry a man who loves his mother than one who hates her. She may always be important to him, but as long as he doesn't consistently put her first, you're probably okay.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I understand your frustration. I too like to plan my husband's birthdays, and prefer for us to share it together. This past year my husband's mom 'invited' both her and my FIL to our house his birthday weekend. He does not easily say no to his mom.
If you want to plan a party and INCLUDE her, then plan ahead and next time, speak up by saying, "Actually, I am already planning on a celebration for him, but do you want to help me?"
Another thing to consider: my husband and I make our birthday celebration a week-long event (or sometimes 3-4 days), with small gatherings sprinkled throughout the week on nights after work and then maybe he and I will have one day to ourselves to celebrate on the weekend. There is no one right way to do things.
With this plan, we can celebrate with different groups of friends, and one time with family. Not all of our friends mesh well together. We'll have drinks with one group, a casual hang-out with another, and then our special day alone I'll have surprises and the day is a field-trip with a theme.
If his mom really likes to do the whole shabam - you could suggest she throws the party for him on a Sunday afternoon before/after his birthday and start a new tradition, and that could free-up the Saturday near his birthday to plan an event for just you and DH or DH and friends.
See what your husband thinks too of course. You and DH being on the same page is most important.