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MIL Issues
MIL can be a pretty acidic person. DH and his siblings often gripe about how selfish, childish and mean she can be. If you cross her, she will talk so much crap behind your back and cuts you out without a second thought. I could give a Bible's length book of stories on nasty things she has said and done to her own family and kids. The stuff that I have witnessed makes me furious that she would treat them all like that, and it is SO hard to bite my tongue.
To get to my point, DH and I went out to her camper this weekend to visit family and relax. MIL was fine with us all weekend, until I went to visit another family member who she is currently fueding with. MIL never said directly to me she was upset, but when I came back to the campsite, I noticed a prominently displayed picture of me and DH was suddenly missing. I just don't know how to deal with this kind of crap. Any advice ladies?? This especially worries me because DH and I plan on having kids soon. How do I explain this kind of nasty behavior to my kids as being "typical grandma" when the rest of the family really isn't like that?
Re: MIL Issues
Stop letting such petty things bother you.
Really - you are getting all worked up about a PHOTO being moved? I wonder if the "bible length book" is filled with moved photos and other trivial nonsense....
Yes, she was angry and is being passive-aggressive about it, but you are choosing to let a MOVED PHOTO get under your skin!
Your MIL does't have to like that you visit relatives that she is estranged from. She doesn't.
If my crazy relatives moved my child's photo out of a "place of honor" and my child asked about it, I would tell them maybe the photo frame needed cleaning or she wanted to put a new photo in.
And as for the missing photo, give her another one and go "I noticed the picture of Derwood and I is missing; here is a replacement." If that one vanishes into the mist, then you have a problem. Give her the benefit of the doubt in the meanwhile.
I'm serious: steer clear of her if she is as toxic as you say she is -- and make it known to her that you and your H will be ending all contact with her until she starts treating you civilly and like beloved family members.
Make sure your H backs you up on this -- if he does not, you have an H problem, not a MIL problem. If he will not back you up and stand with you, rethink him.
I'm not really worked up about the disappearing photo, and am well aware of how petty it is that she took it down. The photo is just the most recent thing she has done that got me thinking about what an ignorant person she is and what she will be like as a grandmother. She does stupid stuff like this all the time and I really don't know how to deal with it.
For example, when DH and I got our house we had a housewarming party. MIL wasn't there for more than 1 minute and started picking a fight with my deceased FILs mom for no reason, sending grandma home in tears immediately. DH confronted MIL about it and she told him to give anything we had of hers back because apparently he doesn't love her as much as his grandma.
Another example is MIL is dating a guy, plans to move him into her house this summer, but didn't tell her kids living at home. Instead they found out from the boyfriend's kids who will be moving in. When BILS and SIL confronted MIL, she told them her BFs kids will get their own rooms and that her own kids must give up their rooms and bunk with each other.
Another example is back when DH and I were dating at 20 years old, she would harass my husband about drinking under age all the time and tell him to stop, but would allow his 16yr old sister drink at family parties, hold drunken parties at home while MIL was constantly away on weekends at the campground. When DH would try to stop his young sister's bad behavior, MIL would yell at DH and say "you're not her father."
We do keep our distance to an extent, but I hate the thought of coming between family members, even though she is mean. I really wish there were some middle ground to deal with her antics.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can guarantee you that your DH's family knows that your MIL is difficult ...but they are probably used to her. They also probably try to think about her positive attributes versus the negative. My advice, try to ignore and tune out the petty crap. Very likely, once she sees that she can't get you upset, she will back off. Just be polite when you see her. Try to focus on having positive relationships with the rest of DH's family.
My friend has kids going through the realization that their grandparents aren't that cool/ nice. She used to try and hide it and make excuses for them. Now if the kids have a question for grandma, she hands them the phone so grandma has to fend for herself. Why should she do all the work to protect grandma?
I had a similarly lame/ nasty grandma. I figured it out. It takes a while for a kid to really realize what grandma is all about, but I got there. I cried. And then I stopped wanting to go see her. The end. My grandma would do weird petty stuff like that sometimes, all mom could do was give me a hug.
You and H need to figure out how you're going to deal with her when you are around her - and stick together.
You're learning the hard way what passive-aggressive behavior is like - it does hurt because one minute she might be sweet to you, and then do something that is so bizarre mean. You're left wondering for a minute if you're the crazy one, but no you're not. She is trying to mess with your head. As long as you figure out that she is trying to play with your emotions, be cool and collected and don't give any attention to this negative behavior because you'd be doing exactly what she wants.
As for when she outwardly is rude to you, DH, or any of your family members, address it in the moment. Either say she is being rude and that her behavior is uncalled for, or both you and DH excuse yourself from the situation.
Do not let her rule your thoughts. You and DH have control over your own actions and responses to her. She might change her behavior over time when she realizes her antics don't work. *might* As long as you and DH remain on the same page on how to react to her behavior, that is what is most important. You can't magically overnight make everyone live in harmony together - in this situation, you can try to make the best of it, and the best might just having everyone try to be civil together. You are not responsible for how she handles her own feelings. She could be jealous of your role in her DH life - very common and maybe time will help her get a reality check.